Numbskull 29
by Mackiecam
Summary: Following Envious 28 and Dickie's Demise 28.1 (both posted on this site), Dickie Orr, Stephanie's ex, asks Ranger for protection from some thugs that he owes money to. When Dickie is in seclusion, however, the thugs target Steph instead. A Babe. Will be posted a minimum of three times a week
1. Chapter 1

_The following story is a work of fiction_ _that features characters developed by Janet Evanovich. No money has been earned through writing this story. Any similarities to real events or persons are entirely coincidental. _

_The book builds upon the previous books in my series and, although they are stand-alones, they build upon each other. The first one is a bit cupcake-y, but the rest are pure babes and develop the relationships between the characters. For maximum enjoyment, I suggest that you read them in the following order:_

_22 Caliber_

_Trigger Happy 23 _

_Morelli's Argument 23.5_

_Ranger 23.75_

_Threatening 24_

_Fixation 25_

_Security 26_

_Sneaky 27_

_Date Night at the Movies 27.1_

_Meeting Maria 27.2_

_The Intervention 27.3_

_Envious 28_

_Dickie's Demise 28.1_

_Mob Matters 28.2_

_Altercation at Giovichinni's 28.3_

_In recognition of the fact that I'm a binge reader and don't personally like to wait for updates, I will try to post at a minimum on a Monday-Wednesday-Friday schedule, barring unseen life events. However, in the past I have periodically posted extra chapters to celebrate achieving some personal milestone – or just because I like the way the sun is shining that day – so you might want to watch for those. Since I do that relatively frequently, if you are enjoying the story you might want to follow it rather than continually check back._

_Reviews, as always, are greatly appreciated. I have a few people who regularly review for me, and I'd like to thank you for that. Your reviews have given me confidence to write another story. I appreciate all reviews and try to respond to each and every one. Please note that I cannot respond to reviews that have been posted by guests. _

_Thank you for reading my story. I hope you enjoy it!_

_~ Sarah ~_

**Chapter One**

I packed up the last of my toiletries as Ranger entered the apartment to move another box down to his Cayenne. He would have brought his Tacoma to move my things from my apartment to his car but it was raining out, and I didn't have that many things. Since I was planning on keeping the apartment for six months, all my kitchenware and furniture were staying. Ranger, with his Egyptian cotton high-thread count sheets and thick and thirsty Turkish towels, didn't need my thrift store bathroom and bed linens. After all, with my queen bed it wasn't like my sheets would fit his king anyway.

Ricardo Carlos Manoso, street name Ranger, was the owner of Rangeman, an ultra-elite security company that provided all kinds of protection services, from bodyguarding to privately contracted security guard staffing to security system installation and monitoring and everything in-between. He had been known to retrieve felons both locally and across state and international borders to return them to the system. He was my long-time friend, part-time boss, fulltime boyfriend and, more recently, cohabitation partner. Cuban-American in descent, he had dark brown hair and eyes that dilated to black when aroused. About six inches taller than my 5'7" frame, his solid muscles were indicative of his rigorous self-discipline and strength.

I had no self-discipline and strength and, unlike Ranger's hard body, mine was quite a bit squishier. I had shoulder-length brown curly hair and blue eyes. I didn't know what they looked like when I'm aroused. My best feature was my cute little nose that I inherited from my grandmother. Like Ranger, I was a part-time bounty hunter. Unlike Ranger, I wasn't very good at it.

When I worked part-time for Ranger as a researcher, I investigated private citizens, companies and their staff. This information was used for security reasons, or to help direct sales pitches. I had been doing the job consistently for the past six months and periodically beforehand, whenever Ranger's need for a researcher coincided with my bank account needing a cash infusion.

When I worked part-time for Vincent Plum Bail Bonds as a fugitive apprehension agent, aka bounty hunter, I returned fugitives to the justice system. When someone was arrested and charged, they waited in jail until they went to trial. However, jail was a big impediment to one's freedom and most people didn't want to spend their time there waiting. In most cases, a judge awarded bail. This meant that the felon could pay a certain amount in a bond to the courts. When the felon arrived in court, the bond was returned to the felon.

Not all felons had the money to pay for bail, however, and when family members had all been tapped and there were no further friends to beg to provide the money, the felon had the choice of using a bail bonds company. This company, for fifteen percent of the bond and some collateral, would lend the felon the money to pay the bail. When the felon went to jail, he got his collateral back. The bail bonds agent, however, kept the fifteen percent.

The bonding agent got a little grumpy, however, if the felon chose not to show up for court. Without that money returned from the court system, the bonding agent couldn't lend it to another felon to earn another fifteen percent. That was where I came in. My role was to find the fugitive and return him or her to the court system. For this, I got ten percent of the price of the bond. Good deal for me, until you realized there was no base pay. If I didn't bring in skips, I didn't get any money. This wouldn't be a problem if I was better at bringing in skips.

Hence why I was working part-time for Ranger. Research put my feet to sleep, but it provided the consistency in pay that I needed. It was technically a full-time job – and so was bounty hunting. For some time, I had only done bounty hunting and had earned just enough money to keep myself afloat. Although research was technically a full-time job, Ranger gave me flex hours so that I could work it around my fugitive retrieval. Between the two jobs I was, perhaps for the first time, actually saving money at the end of the month. For the first time ever, my savings account had made it out of the single digits. Life was good.

So, professionally I was doing well. Personally, things were falling into place for me too. I had broken up with my long-time on-again and off-again boyfriend, Joe Morelli, five months ago, and had started dating Ranger a hot second afterwards. Ranger and I had been good friends for some time and had periodically delved into a more physical interaction. Since some of the time that had occurred I had been dating Morelli, I didn't like to talk about it. But from that experience I knew that Ranger and I more than worked physically. He was every woman's dream in the bedroom. Morelli had been fun and satisfying in bed. He had earned his nickname of the Italian Stallion and was the kind of person that mothers warned their daughters about when they were growing up. Ranger was more.

So I knew that we worked physically, but we had an even stronger relationship emotionally. I had been relying on Ranger for years. He was the person I turned to when I was sad, when I was mad, and when I was happy. In short, he was my rock, and I could always count on him being there for me.

Up until I broke up with Morelli, however, I had thought that Ranger was leery of commitment. He had always avoided getting together with anyone and, although I knew that he loved me, I also knew that he didn't want to repeat the marriage experience. He had been married for about ten minutes in another life for the sake of his daughter, and although he didn't regret it he was very careful to make sure that it didn't happen again.

I could understand that. I had been married for about ten minutes as well, not to Ranger but to a philandering jackass named Dickie Orr. I also was leery of commitment and didn't want to get married again. It was, in fact, one of the reasons Joe's and my relationship had been so inconsistent. He had periodically wanted to get married. I didn't. But he wanted to marry me so that he could force me to quit my job. He perceived it to be dangerous. Just because I'd been stalked, bruised, knifed, shot, kidnapped, stunned and firebombed in the line of duty didn't mean that my job was dangerous. As a detective on the Trenton Police force, Joe's job was just as dangerous. Of course, he hadn't been stalked, knifed, stunned, kidnapped or firebombed in the line of duty, so perhaps he did have a point. But the stalking, bruising, stabbing, stunning, shooting, kidnapping and firebombing had only happened a few dozen times, so I thought Joe was being a little unfair about it all.

Ranger didn't try to get me to quit my job, although he was very happy to help me capture the more violent skips. And for those skips who had a history of doing things like killing bounty hunters, I was very happy to have Ranger's help. He was badass, and everyone knew it. He could bring the most recalcitrant fugitive to heel in a way that I'd never be able to accomplish. However, for the less violent felons I took the file clerk from the Bail Bonds office as my backup, former 'ho Lula, who didn't have any noticeable skills other than shocking felons with her out-there fashion sense, her ability to shoehorn her plus-sized body into a petite-sized wardrobe, and sitting on felons to make sure they didn't escape. While she wasn't much help in capturing skips, she made long stakeouts infinitely more fun.

Ranger and I had been dancing around the possibility of having me move in with him for a month now. We'd been spending each night together for about three months, and had been dividing our time between his apartment and mine. His was infinitely nicer. Not only were his appliances built in this millennium, his décor color-coordinated, his cutlery and dishware all matched and free of chips, and his apartment ultra-secure – important due to the number of break-ins I'd had in the past – but it came with Ella, Ranger's housekeeper, genius extraordinaire in the kitchen. Since I didn't cook, this was a definite attraction for me. His penthouse apartment was located in the Rangeman building, a seven-story office building that was the hub to his business. It housed a number of efficiency apartments for staff, a gym, a shooting range, holding cells, office spaces and, their bread and butter, a control room that monitored all Rangeman trackers and client security systems. I had personal trackers myself. I had one in my car, and another in my watch. So did Ranger but, unlike Ranger, I'd had the need to use mine several times in the past.

So about a month ago Ranger had started to ask me to move in permanently with him. I had been balking, not because I didn't want to but because I didn't believe that anyone would want to live with me more than three months. That's how long my marriage had lasted before I found out that my then-husband had been having affairs on me. That's how long my ex-boyfriend, Morelli, and I had lasted comfortably in his house when we tried living together. We had lasted another month uncomfortably, but that was only because my sister was living in my apartment and I couldn't return home. So although I wanted to live with Ranger, I was worried that it would all blow up in my face. Ranger told me that we'd been basically living together for the past three months and instead of him wanting to push me away he wanted to make the relationship more formal by having me move in. I was still worried. So Ranger had suggested that I keep the apartment for another six months while I lived with him, and then decide as to whether I would let the apartment go. After thinking about that suggestion for the last month, I decided that my hamster, Rex, would be a lot less confused if he was in one location day in and day out. I thought it had to be hard on him to continually be moving homes, especially now that it was the end of October and cold out, and transferring him comfortably from apartment to apartment was getting more difficult. So for Rex's sake, I was moving in with Ranger.

"Is that it?" said Ranger as I taped up the last box, stood, and brushed the dust from my jeans.

"Yup. I'll come tomorrow and clean the place."

"Okay", said Ranger. The next day was Monday and, although the bonds office was open, I was caught up on capturing skips. I was almost caught up on doing research as well, although Ranger had told me the night before that he had just signed another new corporate client, and there would be a lot of research required as they set up their account. Rangeman had a number of search engines that were incredibly invasive, and could find out everything from your score on your driving test to the date you were potty-trained. Although it was time consuming, researching employees could identify potential problems for the client. Setting up a new corporate account required a lot of upfront work, especially for a large company, but for most clients I had been able to identify at least one potential problem in their employees. I was one cog in the wheel that made Rangeman known as the premier place to go for security needs, and I was proud of the work I did.

My mother always hoped that I would switch to working fulltime for Rangeman and quit my job as a bounty hunter. It was that stalking/knifing/stabbing/firebombing/kidnapping/shooting/stunning thing, but although I was proud of the work that I did for Rangeman, the job didn't have the variety and excitement I craved. Being able to combine the two was the perfect mix for me.

The bad part about working the two jobs was that I worked a lot. If Lula and I were more efficient at capturing skips, it wouldn't be an issue. However, we were not. The good part about living in Ranger's apartment was that Ella did all the meal preparation, the grocery shopping, the laundry, and the cleaning. There was little that I had to do to take care of myself, so even though I worked a lot of hours, with Ella's assistance I still had time to relax.

I locked the door and took the last box out to Ranger's Cayenne, loaded it in the back and got into the passenger seat. I took one last look at the building and sighed. It was a bittersweet moment for me. It had been where I had lived for the last ten years. I had moved there immediately following my divorce. As a building with residents that encompassed the newly wed and nearly dead – more of the nearly dead than the newly wed – they were a good group of neighbors who had formed a community. They had supported me through my many break-ins, murders, fires and vandalisms – mostly not done by me – and had kept an eye on my place and on me personally. Mrs. Bestler, the resident who liked to play elevator operator in her spare time, was a hoot, and Mr. Wolenski, our resident greeter, was a sweetheart. As much as I was gaining a community by moving to Rangeman, I would miss the community I was leaving behind.

I sighed again as Ranger started the car. He captured my hand in his and squeezed gently. "You can always come back to visit", he said.

"I know."

He placed my hand on his thigh, and backed the car out of the spot and directed it towards his apartment. I could feel his muscles flex as he drove. Ten minutes later we were parking in the garage below the Rangeman building. The garage was large and had parking for both the fleet cars as well as employee cars. Ranger himself had four dedicated spots – one for his Toyota Tacoma truck, one for his Porsche Cayenne, one for his Porsche 911 Turbo and an empty spot. He had talked about eventually getting a muscle car, but in the meantime I had commandeered the fourth spot for myself. I didn't know how Ranger felt about this arrangement. I had never asked and I didn't want to know. Personally, I felt pretty good about it. It was the closest spot to the elevators.

When we parked, out of habit, I inspected my car. Ranger's personal and fleet cars were all black, all pristine, and all new. Mine was black, and that's where the similarity ended. My car was ten years old and only looked newer because Ranger had ordered bodywork done on it. Every time my car was stolen or incapacitated in some way so that it needed to go into the mechanic's for repair, one of the retrieving Rangeman staff would wash my car for me. This meant that my car was washed on a regular basis. Because I had so many car emergencies, Ranger had designated an extra fleet car for my use. It made me feel a little icky to have to rely on him and his cars so much, but he kept insisting that he didn't mind and, in fact, had told me that I could sell my car and use his fleet car exclusively. Such an action chipped away at my need for independence, however, and as much as I appreciated it, I hadn't taken him up on his offer.

One of the good things about Ranger's parking garage was that only staff could access it, thereby helping to ensure that my car remained threat-free while I was in the Rangeman building. In my apartment, the parking was outdoors and it was quite common to return to my vehicle in the morning to find creepy notes inside my car, rude words spray painted on the body, tires flat or the gas tank shot out. Since these sorts of problems occurred when I was at the bonds office, the police station or even when I was at my parents', and because these car misfortunes affected any car that I – not just the ones I owned – I was hesitant to drive Ranger's car for that reason as well. It was irritating when it happened to my car. It was guilt-inducing when it happened to Ranger's.

Of course, when I had car emergencies, I had the option of driving Uncle Sandor's car instead. It was a powder blue behemoth over fifty years old that my grandmother had inherited when Uncle Sandor cashed in his chips. Since she no longer had her driver's license, the car resided in my parents' garage for car emergencies. I had borrowed it on occasion. It got three miles to the gallon and cornered like a tank, but so far seemed indestructible. While that last quality made Big Blue an appealing option when I was having various car troubles, it was hard to remain stealthy when driving it. It was so large that, when you pulled up at a red light people lined up beside it thinking it was the public bus. Seniors talked to you about the car they had just like it when they were a teenager, and little children asked whether it was an alien ship. In the land of blandness, Big Blue stood out.

That wasn't a good quality as a bounty hunter, but it also wasn't a good quality for someone going out with Ranger. About four or five months ago, Ranger told me of some secret work he did for a private security company, PMC. It stood for Private Military Contractors and did covert work on behalf of the CIA, the DEA and the military. Ranger was known as the best in the world for leading teams to perform rescues of various kidnap victims, and in addition to leading the odd extraction, he trained staff on how to perform rescues. While his employment with the group was generally fairly innocuous and mostly that of a trainer, his association with the group brought danger to himself and all his loved ones. For Ranger, this meant that he kept his family at an arm's length and he was very careful to appear not to have close relationships with people. His friend Tank and I are the two exceptions to the rule. For me, this meant that Ranger trained me daily in self-defense and marksmanship. While I was the least athletic person around, I didn't mind working out as much as I used to. After Ranger had told me that he would request a dessert for every fifteen minutes of cardio I did, I had jumped on board. Ranger didn't eat dessert and it normally wasn't provided, so bribing me with dessert for working out was a huge concession and I wasn't going to waste it.

My car was clear of threats. Nothing had been scratched into the paint. No notes had been inserted under the windshield wiper and it hadn't been shot out. All in all, a good day.

Ranger and I grabbed some boxes and took them to the elevators. "Are Valerie and Albert and the kids coming to your parents' for dinner tonight?" asked Ranger.

"Val said the baby is keeping her up all night and that she needs some sleep." My sister had delivered a baby boy just a week before, and Val, Albert and their four girls were getting used to the addition of baby Edmund to their family. "My mom made lasagna and took it over to Val's house this afternoon so that their family could all rest at home and not have to come for dinner."

"I'm sure Val and Albert appreciated that."

"I'm sure they did. I would have made her something as well, but my version of cooking is to put a frozen Stouffer's macaroni and cheese in the oven and hope for the best. If I want to be fancy about it, I'll sprinkle extra cheddar over top."

"Thanksgiving is coming soon. What do you want to do about it?"

"What do you normally do?"

"My parents close the restaurant and have a big family gathering, with aunts and uncles and cousins. It would be great if you wouldn't mind going. I'd like to introduce you to everyone."

"Please tell me that it isn't a potluck. With your parents owning a restaurant, somehow I don't think they will be impressed by Stouffer's macaroni and cheese, added cheddar or not."


	2. Chapter 2

My parents live on the right-hand side of a duplex in the Burg, an area of Trenton, New Jersey, that was characterized by cheap houses, large trees and hard-working Americans. There was a rhythm to the Burg. Saturdays were spent cleaning the house, tending the gardens and washing the cars. Sundays were spent at church and with family, and the weekdays were spent working hard and dreaming about the weekends.

My mother was a stay-at-home mother who had supported her husband by doing the housework, the shopping and the laundry. She had raised Val and me and tried to ensure that we didn't bother our father overly much. No matter how much my mother made my father think otherwise, there was no doubt that my mother was the person ruling the house.

My father did his part by working at the post office and bringing home a paycheck. There was a rhythm to his life as well. He went to work, after work puttered on whatever household repair that my mother asked him to make, ate dinner, then watched sports until it was time to go to bed. After I had moved out of the house, he retired from the post office. He did his part in pretending to believe that he was the king of the castle, although he too knew that my mother was the true household leader.

My grandmother was a more recent addition to the household. When Grandpa Mazur had driven his car to the eternal car show in the sky, Grandma moved in. She wanted to run the household, and there were frequent skirmishes with my mother as they settled out the household leadership. She spiced up my parents' bland life, much to my mother's chagrin. Grandma had an irreverent way of looking at things, got into trouble as much as I did, and was dedicated to her gun Elsie despite the fact that she couldn't shoot. She was stoop-shouldered and shrinking over the years, had short white curly hair that showed an expanse of pink scalp underneath, and a lot of retired muscle that hung down from her arms. Despite her physical appearance, she preferred to dress in skin-tight clothes and believe herself to be a cougar. She had a zest for life unusual in most people, and an interest in everything. While Grandma was elderly, she would never be old.

My father and my grandmother politely put up with each other, but when my father retired he quickly realized that he would have to do something that got him out of the house and away from my grandmother. Alternatively, he could off her in her sleep. Since it was touch-and-go for a while as to what he'd do, my mother quietly got rid of his gun and hid the mouse poison. My father eventually decided that killing my grandmother would upset my mother, and started to drive a taxi. He had a few regular fares, but mostly he spent time in his social club. He was happy that he was out of the house, my mother was happy that my father wasn't in danger of going to jail, and my grandmother was happy continuing to push the boundaries.

When we arrived at the house and walked in, my father was in his usual position of watching sports on the television. I gave my father a kiss on the top of his head, and he patted my back awkwardly. He smiled at me. "How are you?" he said.

"Good, thanks. You?"

"Good."

"How's the taxi business?"'

"Good. How's your job?"

"Good."

That was the extent of the conversation with my dad. I knew that he cared about the family and us kids just as much as I cared about him, but our conversation was typically shallow. My father didn't share much of himself, nor did he appear overly interested in our lives. Anything important he could count of my mother telling him. As I saw his eyes stray to the football game on the television, I said, "I'll go say hi to Mom."

"Good", said my father.

Ranger and I walked into the kitchen. Grandma and Mom were cooking, and I walked over to each of them and gave them a hug. Ranger did as well, and I could see him step out of my grandmother's arms as her hands strayed south and she copped a feel. He looked at me, shook his head and sighed, but I could tell that he was thinking about smiling. Like me, he found my grandmother to be refreshing.

"What's new?" I said.

"There's a new establishment opening next to Giovichinni's", said Grandma. "It's called Tips and Clips."

"Is it a porn shop?" I said.

"It's with a 'p', not a 't'", said Grandma. "It will be a hair and nail salon. It's not a reference to one's love bud."

"I think they will have a lot of people confused by their name."

"I was thinking I'd apply", said Grandma.

"Why's that?" said Ranger.

"I'd like to have a job working at a store called 'Tips and Clips'. Although, you'd have to say it very slowly on the phone to make sure you got it right."

"That's true", I said. "The owner might not like it if you got it wrong."

"I wonder how many people would go to it thinking that it's a porn shop", said Ranger. "Even if you get the pronunciation right, it still sounds like a porn shop name."

"If I worked there, I could call myself Mistress Edna", said Grandma. "That would add some class to the establishment."

"Yes, it would", I said with a smile, "although it wouldn't help the anti-porn shop reputation."

Grandma looked disappointed. "There is that. I would like to work in a porn shop." My mother crossed herself as her eyes strayed to the cabinet that held her whiskey. "I figure that I have experience, and I find people talk to me easily."

"They might not want to talk to you about sex", I said.

"Why not? I like sex, and I might find some honeys if I worked in a sex shop. You know, people who are interested in trying different things. Think of the free samples I could get." I smiled as my mother gave in to the call of the whiskey and poured herself a snort. She knocked it back like a pro, and poured herself another shot. "Seriously", said my grandmother, "what I may not have in body I have in experience. That would make me attractive to men, wouldn't it? What do you think, Ranger? Isn't experience important?"

Ranger looked at me and smiled. "I think that an emotional connection is the most important thing", he said. "Take Joyce Barnhardt, for example." I hissed. Joyce was my childhood nemesis. She had been pudgy and spotty, with an overbite that made her look like Nelson on_ The Simpsons_, and was the kind of person her peers secretly hated. She bullied her schoolmates and made kids cry. She spat in your dessert at lunch and stole your new crayons in school. But by the time she was eighteen that pudginess had gone all to her chest, her skin had cleared up, her braces had straightened her teeth, and she had discovered the opposite sex. While she still tried to torment you, instead of stealing your crayons she'd steal your boyfriend. She was the person I had found my ex-husband boinking three months after we'd gotten married. She earned her money by marrying well and divorcing better. She had been married four times and had done well on the transactions. The men were all willing to give up a significant portion of their fortune for the chance to be free of her. She would do anybody and anything with two or four legs. Saying she was active sexually was an understatement. "Joyce is experienced sexually, but I would never want to have sex with her. Not only would I not be interested in the potential to contract hoof and mouth disease, I wouldn't want to ride a bike that had been ridden by half of Trenton already."

Grandma thought about that for a moment. "I'm surprised that she hasn't asked you to ride her bike yet", said Grandma.

"She has. I declined", said Ranger. "I was saving myself for someone special."

"Who?" said Grandma.

I laughed. "I moved in with Ranger today", I said. I grabbed the scratchpad and a pen from the side of the table and wrote the address. "This is the place where I am staying. The apartment number isn't important. Because I work in the same building, anything you address to my name will come to me."

"Why can't you live in a house?" said my mother. "Houses are good. You have the potential of growing a garden by living in a house." I knew it wasn't the potential of having a garden that would attract my mother to the idea of us owning a house. It was the idea that houses were much more family-friendly than apartments. Strollers were hard to maneuver in apartments, and there was nowhere to store the outdoor toys. It was harder for a child to have a bicycle in an apartment than it was in a house.

"Ranger owns the whole building", I said. "It just makes sense that Ranger lives in the building as well."

"You own the whole building?" said my mother. She smiled, and I could see that Ranger had gone up in her estimation.

"It's just easier to live there", said Ranger. "Everything is at hand. I can go down to the gym and work out before breakfast, shower in my own apartment, and eat breakfast with Stephanie before going down to my office for the day. I spend less than five minutes commuting from my home to the office and back again, less if I take the stairs."

"However, if _I_ take the stairs it takes more than five minutes", I said with a laugh. "Stairs and I don't do well, and I'm glad that Ranger has an elevator in the building." Grandma laughed.

"You're doing better, babe." He looked like he was thinking about smiling. "You took the stairs up with me from the fifth floor to the seventh last week, and you only had to stop three times to catch your breath."

I stuck my tongue out at him.

"You look like you've lost weight", said my mother.

"I don't know if I have lost weight as much as toned up some", I said. "Ranger and I work out almost every day for an hour, and I'm eating better. I generally am eating at Rangeman rather than eating out with Lula. It's cheaper. And while Lula prefers Cluck-in-a-Bucket for lunch, at Ranger's I'm eating soups and sandwiches and salads. Dinner with Morelli was often pizza. With Ranger it is meat and lots of vegetables. Breakfast in my place was a worthless, tastes-good cereal and, since I often forgot to buy more milk, I mostly ate it dry. At Ranger's it's often some sort of egg dish. If I feel like a snack in the evening, I'm eating raw carrots with dip or celery with peanut butter or a piece of fruit rather than a bag of chips. I'm getting far more nutrients and am eating far more healthily than I formerly was. I can't even remember the last time I ate an olive and peanut butter sandwich."

"No olive and peanut butter sandwiches?" said Grandma. She sounded scandalized.

"Funny enough, they aren't a big hit in the break room", said Ranger, totally straight-faced.

"Ugh. I don't know how you can eat those", said my mother. "Peanut butter and lettuce or peanut butter and relish, sure, even cheese and jam. But peanut butter and olives? No way."


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up the next morning with an arm over my waist, a rod poking my back and a full bladder. "Good morning", said Ranger as he turned off his watch alarm. He sounded wide awake and much too alert for first thing in the morning.

I, however, was not. I grunted a good morning to him, wiggled my way out from under his arm, used the facilities and washed my hands, and sleepwalked my way back to bed. As I lay down, Ranger pulled the covers up and over my shoulders and kissed my forehead. I think I was asleep before he got out of the bed.

Two hours later, Ranger woke me for breakfast. "How do you do that?" I said.

"Do what, babe?" he said. He looked at me and I could tell that he was thinking about smiling. I checked my face for drool and pushed my hair out of my face.

"We both get the same amount of sleep before you get up for the day, but while you wake up ready to go and are able to do amazing things like pull yourself upright, I need two hours more sleep and, when I do wake up, I am still more tired than you."

"I've never needed a lot of sleep. My mother said that I was always a bad sleeper, even when I was young. My guess is that you've always been a good sleeper."

"That's true. I have. My mother always made me go to bed earlier than all my friends just because I needed the sleep. I resented it when I was younger, but by the time I was in my twenties I appreciated early bedtimes. Even though I now get nine hours of sleep a night, I still feel perpetually tired."

"Did you want to sleep later? I can do work for the office here in the apartment if you want to sleep later in the morning."

"No, because I still have to make it in to the bonds office in a timely fashion, and I have research to do as well. I don't have time to sleep more than nine hours a night."

"If you are sure…"

"In the meantime, I'll just rely on coffee."

"Apples work well in waking you up too", said Ranger. "Ella has stocked the fridge with them for your evening snacks, but you could have them in the morning if you wanted."

"They're for me? I thought they were for Rex, and I couldn't understand why Ella had bought him so many."

Ranger laughed.

I climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came out, Ranger was holding his housecoat. I smiled. "I don't have to wear your housecoat any longer", I said. "Now that I've moved in, I can wear mine."

Ranger draped his housecoat over my shoulders, held it so that I could more easily put my arms through the sleeves, and tied the sash for me. He pulled me into his body and gave me a deep kiss. "Wear mine", he said as he moved back. "I like the idea that my clothes are touching your naked skin."

I stepped back into his arms and gave him another kiss. "I like it too", I said.

Ella came into the apartment, put breakfast down on the kitchen counter, and called out her wish for us to have a good day as she left the apartment again. We walked through to the kitchen carrying our empty coffee cups, and as Ranger refilled our cups I took the plate covers off and distributed the two plates. Ranger brought over cutlery and set the table, and I looked down at the food. Ella had sent up her buckwheat pancakes and coconut cream sauce, and she had given a bowl of fruit salad to go with it. I'd had Ella's coconut cream sauce before, and I could hardly wait to eat it again. Out of all the things that Ella made, it was one of my favorites, and that was saying something. Ella was an excellent cook.

We started to eat, and Ranger looked at me. "What are your plans for the day?" he said.

"There aren't any skips for me to chase", I said. "Luckily for Vinnie and not luckily for Lula and me, everyone has been showing up at court for their trials. I am thankful that I have the job with you to fall back on. I would really be struggling if I didn't have the money from Rangeman coming in."

"Will Lula be alright?"

"I think she will. After all, she's supposed to be Vinnie's file clerk. That's what she's paid for. The money I give her for helping me is supposed to pay for extras rather than go towards her rent. It might be a lean month for her, but I think it will still be doable."

"That's good. She may be a rotten file clerk and not much better backup for you when you are skip chasing, but she's a good friend of yours and I wouldn't like to see her suffer."

"What would you do if she was struggling?"

Ranger paused. "I don't know. I know I wouldn't want her here in the office. I have a good relationship with my guys. The office is a peaceful place, a place where people can breathe. Letting Lula into the office would be like a shotgun shot into a flock of seagulls. It would result in feathers being ruffled beyond repair."

"That was always my reaction as well. She asks me almost daily for a tour, and I have had to consistently say no."

"How do you enforce that? It's been my experience that Lula is a force to be reckoned with."

"That's true. It's been hard. She is so curious. I've told her that it would be really disappointing to her and that she couldn't talk when she was in the building, but I don't think she believed me. I've also told her that secret things happen in the building and that, if I told her, I'd have to kill her. I don't think she believed that one either."

"We may have to bite the bullet and ask her up to the apartment but not let her into the offices."

I looked at him in shock. "But it's always been your policy not to let people in your apartment."

"I might have to open up about it a bit now", said Ranger. "Your mother and grandmother deserve to see the place. They understandably have questions, and I think they'd appreciate knowing that you aren't settling in a hovel. As for Lula, I think it will be impossible to keep her out."

"But your own family hasn't seen the place yet."

"Maybe it's time to change things."

"Julie hasn't seen the place." Julie was Ranger's teenaged daughter. She lived in Florida with her mother and stepfather. Although Ranger supported her, they didn't have a close relationship. When he saw her, he went down to Florida. Besides when she had been kidnapped, she had never been to Trenton.

"Maybe it's time to change that as well."

"What about keeping everyone at an arm's length away to protect them?" With the covert work he did, he had always been so careful about keeping his distance away from everyone.

"I still will, but this is your home as well and we have to make it work for you, too. I still will only let staff into the first six floors to the building. However, I think it's time to let people into our apartment."

"This is your apartment and I respect your rules."

"No. Now it is _our_ apartment and we can make new rules that suit us. If you want to invite your mom and grandmother, or if you want to invite Lula and Connie, I'm okay with that." Connie was the office manager for the bonds' office. She was a couple of years old than me, a couple of pounds heavier, a couple of cup sizes bigger, and an infinitely better shot than me, and since I started working for the bonds' office, she had become a good friend of mine. "Those people care about you and deserve to know that I am taking care of you properly." He waited until I had finished my meal and, when I got up to move the dishes onto the tray to leave for Ella when she cleaned the apartment later that day, Ranger pulled me onto his lap and gave me a deep kiss. When he broke away several minutes later, I was dazed from more than the change in stance regarding his apartment.

I looked at him. "How soon do you have to be at your desk?"

Ranger gave a half-smile. "I have some time. Why? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I have no clothes on under your housecoat."

Ranger slid his hand under the terry fabric. "That's true. You don't", he said. He started to knead my skin, and I thrust myself into his hands.

I adjusted so that I straddled his hips. Ranger picked me up and carried me into the bedroom. "Good thing I hadn't already put my gun on", he said.

"That's true", I said. "You only have one gun I'm interested in, and I'm not talking about your Glock."


	4. Chapter 4

After properly celebrating the first day of our official cohabitation by making Ranger late for work, I showered and dressed and headed to my apartment to give it a proper cleaning. I vacuumed, dusted, sanitized the bathroom and cleaned the kitchen, emptied the fridge of food and washed it down. After spending a few hours ensuring that the apartment was spic and span, I returned to Rangeman. What I wanted to do was to invite my mom and grandmother for lunch the next day, and to invite Connie and Lula for the day afterwards. However, I also wanted to give Ranger a chance to rescind his offer. Although I had never heard him say something that he didn't mean or stand by, I thought it was important to give him the opportunity to change his mind. I knew what a big step it was for him to allow people into his apartment, and it was the kind of thing that you couldn't undo once it had been done.

I got back to Rangeman just before noon, and as I walked down to my office Tank saw me pass the door of his. Tank was Ranger's right-hand man and had been protecting Ranger's back since Ranger had started Rangeman. He was a gigantic man with a solid physique, he was built like a tank and was intimidating as hell. Apparently Ranger and Tank had met each other when they were both in the military. Tank had been abducted and tortured, and Ranger and his team had been sent in to rescue him. The higher ups said that it couldn't be done, but Ranger and his team did it anyway. That had been Ranger's last mission. Tank had retired soon afterwards and had joined Ranger in his security business. Like Lula and me, they were good friends – without the ineptitude and bumbling attempts to do their job. Tank called out as I passed. "Hey, Steph", said Tank. I stopped and poked my head into his office.

"Hey, Tank. Did you have a good weekend?"

Tank smiled. "I did. One of my cats had kittens on Saturday. I delivered them myself."

"I bet they are beautiful."

"They are the prettiest kitties that I have ever seen."

"You'll have to take pictures for me."

"I will. Have you seen Ranger? He's looking for you."

"I haven't seen him. I just got back. Is he in his office?"

"No. He's down in the conference room with a new client. I think he wants the client to meet you, but he wanted to talk to you before you meet him. I'll go down and tell Ranger that you'll be in your office, okay?"

"Sure", I said. "Let me get a coffee and I'll meet him there."

Tank got up and walked towards the elevator as I entered the break room. I poured myself a coffee and, as I yawned and remembered what Ranger had said about apples, I picked an apple out of the fruit basket, added an egg salad sandwich, and walked back to my office.

I turned on my computer, put my gun thigh holster on, and started to eat my lunch. I was halfway through my sandwich when Ranger came into my office, shut the door, and gave me a light kiss of hello. "Did you talk to Connie and Lula, or your mom and grandmother?" he said.

I smiled. "I decided to do that tomorrow and to give you a chance to change your mind."

Ranger thought about smiling. "I won't change my mind, babe."

"I'm sorry about interrupting your client meeting", I said. "I just got in, and Tank said that you wanted to see me?"

"I do. I need to talk to you."

"Oh, oh. What did I do wrong?" I was teasing. I knew that Ranger wasn't mad at me. He never got mad at me. It had taken me a long time to trust that he wouldn't blow up over every little thing, but I now fully trusted him. He was so different than any other serious boyfriend that I had ever gone out with.

Ranger smiled. "Nothing, babe. I'm going to start with a bit of a story." He sat down on the guest chair in front of my desk, and I picked up the second half of my sandwich and took a bite.

"About a month ago, you told me that Dickie hit you when you were married to him."

"Yes. Although he had threatened to hit me many times, he actually hit me once. That was when I left him and got a divorce."

"I got mad when you told me that. You didn't deserve to be threatened, let alone actually hit. So I ran him through the computer. Remember when his partners obtained that forty million through illegal means? You had gone into his office to plant a bug for me and, when you were there, you discovered that he was using a clock that had been given to you by your aunt. When you left his office, you took the clock with you. What you didn't know was that the clock contained the key to the account that contained the forty million. When the clock was then destroyed, Dickie no longer had access to that money."

"I remember."

"However, that money is still legally Dickie's. The government couldn't find any proof of wrongdoing so, although they know that money is dirty, they've had to let Dickie continue to own it."

"It burns me that Dickie, my ex-husband asshole, was able to earn forty million. Good things aren't supposed to happen to bad people."

"I know. So when I did a little digging, I found out that he hasn't been claiming the interest earned on that forty million on his taxes. I talked to Morelli and explained the situation, and he hooked me up with some investigators at the FBI."

"Did you tell Morelli that I'd been hit as well?"

"Yes, but I asked him to keep it quiet."

I blew out a breath and swallowed back tears. "What did he say?"

"He said it explained a lot." Ranger looked at me, at the tears threatening in my eyes, at the look of mortification on my face. "It wasn't your fault, babe."

"I'm sure Morelli blamed me."

"No, he didn't. But he did have a wall to repair after he smashed it with his fist."

I put the last of my sandwich into my mouth and chewed, but although egg salad sandwiches were one of my favorites and although I had been hungry, the food was now sitting like a lead ball in my stomach.

"The FBI wants to arrest Dickie for tax evasion. He is looking at six years in prison, a financial penalty, and the paying back of the monies owed to the IRS."

"So you're meeting with the IRS?"

"No."

"The FBI?"

"No."

"Who is your client?"

"Dickie. Apparently Dickie has become a gambler in recent years, and he is doing so beyond his means. He owes money to his bookie and he's panicking. He knows that someone is looking for him and he has assumed that it is the bookie looking for his money."

I started to smile. "But it is the IRS?"

"Yes or, at least, the FBI on behalf of the IRS. I know that, Morelli knows that, and now you know that. But Dickie doesn't, and I want to let him sweat this one out."

"So what does he want with you?"

"He wants Rangeman to protect him from the bookie. He is willing to pay us to assign him a bodyguard and to put him into seclusion. I have asked for the money upfront, and he has written me a check for fifty thousand dollars as a retainer for bodyguarding services. In addition, he will pay us two thousand dollars a day for every day that we'll be guarding him. We are also being paid to find the bookie's thugs and stop them from harassing Dickie. He has already given us a check for an additional hundred thousand, money that we will hold for him in an account and will return to him if he cooperates with us when we are guarding him. I call it an aggravation fee. What I'd like to do is to put him in your apartment so that the FBI can't find him and so that we can milk this protection detail for as long as we can. When the money dries up, we'll release him to the FBI for arrest. Is that okay with you?"

"Doesn't matter to me. I'm not living there."

"I'll pay your rent for your apartment while we are using it as a safe house. I was thinking of assigning Hector to babysit him."

I smiled. Hector looked incredibly scary and it had taken me a long time before I had found out that he was a kind person. He had tattoos all over his body, a shaved head and piercings, which was neither here nor there, but what made me cautious were the teardrop tats below his eye that denoted the number of people he had killed. When his fierce looks were put together with his taciturn personality, Hector scared the crap out of me. He wasn't particularly social, and it had taken me a while to warm up to him. Now that we were used to each other, I have discovered that he was a good person, highly protective, and a beneficial person to have on your side.

Aware of Dickie's preppy style and his lack of courage, I knew that Hector would make him uncomfortable, and I was all for making him uncomfortable. Earning money off a situation that Dickie brought on himself was even better. The irony of Dickie turning to Ranger for help, the man who had brought the shit show to his door, was the best of all. I smiled.

"Whether we go through with this is up to you. If you want, I can hold him and call the FBI agents and have him picked up right away. If you want to wait, Rangeman can take on Dickie as a client and earn money from him. Alternatively, we can refuse to help him and let him run scared. What would you prefer to do?"

I didn't have to think too hard about it. "Earn money from him", I said. "He was vicious during the divorce and fought me on everything. By the end of the divorce, I gave up. I fought a long time, but I didn't have any more money to continue to fight. He got the house and most of the furniture. My lawyer got all the money I was awarded. I got my car and my car payments and a bit of alimony. He may be an asshole, but he is a very good lawyer. If we can get some money out of him now, then I think we should do so. The chance to make him uncomfortable by having Hector babysit him? Even better."

"That was my reaction as well", said Ranger. "I thought I'd have Hector look after him during the day, and Jose look after him at night."

I smiled again. Jose looked just as scary as Hector, but although he had that vicious air, he was also openly gay and would make Dickie's homophobia take over. Between Hector and Jose, Dickie would be messing his pants.

That was just the way I liked it.

"Do you think you could tell Hector and Jose to scare the crap out of him? They are already intimidating looking, but having them milk his fear will be perfect."

Ranger smiled. "I'll let you tell Hector and Jose yourself", he said. He picked up his phone and texted the two men, and told them that he wanted them to come down to my office as soon as possible. Both men responded that they would be there in fifteen minutes. Apparently Jose was on patrol and Hector was in the control room. Hector needed to wait until Jose's partner could come in and sub for him at his station.

"I need to pop into my office to write up a contract", said Ranger. "I'll get a coffee as well. It's been a long morning."

"Grab some lunch for yourself at the same time", I said. "It may be a long afternoon. I have found that, with Dickie, time always seems to drag."

Ranger smiled, got up and gave me a kiss, and left my office. Fifteen minutes later he walked back into my office with a folder of papers, a sandwich, a salad and a coffee. He sat down on the guest chair again and quickly ate his lunch. He was just putting in the last mouthful of sandwich when Hector and Jose entered my office. Ranger asked them to shut the door, and he turned to me. "Do you want to explain to Hector and Jose the assignment that I am giving them?"

Hector and Jose looked at me, and I flushed. I looked back at Ranger, and he looked at me steadily in support. I looked back at Hector and Jose. "About ten years ago", I said, "I was married to a man named Dickie Orr. We were only married for three months before I found out that he was cheating on me. When I confronted him and yelled at him, he hit me. I walked out and we are still known as having the most contentious divorce in Trenton's history. Until I told Ranger of this, no one knew that he had hit me. I hadn't brought it up in the divorce and, in all honesty, I was too ashamed of getting hit to feel comfortable admitting it to anyone." Even admitting it right then was hard. Hector and Jose didn't say anything, and Ranger just looked at me in support. I knew that he would support me in saying as much or as little as I felt comfortable admitting. I sighed, clenched my teeth for a moment and massaged my stomach.

"Breathe, babe", said Ranger. He reached across my desk and clasped my hand and squeezed it gently in support.

I told them about Ranger finding out Dickie's tax evasion and reporting it to the FBI and the fact that the FBI was searching for him. I told them about Dickie's gambling and the fact the bookie was looking for him. And I explained that Dickie had approached Rangeman to protect him from the bookie.

"Better get the money upfront", said Hector.

Ranger smiled. "I already have. I left it up to Stephanie as to whether we would take Dickie on as a client. She has just said that we should bilk Dickie for whatever he is willing to pay. So, as of this afternoon, Rangeman is in the position of protecting Dickie from the people we sicced on him in the first place. We're charging him double our usual fee."

Jose laughed and even Hector smiled. "Serves him right", said Hector.

"I agree", said Ranger. "He has paid a retainer, and will be paying daily for our services. I have chosen the two of you as Dickie's babysitters. Both of you were selected because you are the scariest and most intimidating-looking teammates that we have on staff. I would suggest that Hector looks after Dickie during the day, from seven in the morning to seven at night, and Jose look after him from seven at night to seven in the morning. Jose, Dickie is homophobic, so be as openly gay as you can be. Both of you, please don't make it easy on him. We want him shitting his pants but feeling that he has to rely on us for protection. He is paying us good money, so the longer we can eke this out, the better off we will be."

"Where are we doing this protection detail?" asked Jose.

"Stephanie's apartment. It is a one-bedroom, which is another reason that I selected Jose to do the night shift. I'm sure you can have some fun with sleeping arrangements. The fire escape is monitored and we are putting a camera on the door as we speak. There is no security system on the building but the residents are a good group of people, mostly nosy seniors who have seen their fair share of crimes in Stephanie's apartment. They keep a close eye on her place for her and might give you a little grief unless Stephanie introduces you to them. I'd suggest that the two of you take Dickie to Steph's apartment, and Steph and I follow you and help you meet the people in her building. Babe, if you could just introduce Mrs. Bestler and Mr. Wolenski to Hector and Jose and Dickie, the other residents will accept them." With Mrs. Bestler's self-appointed role as the elevator operator, she was the building go-to person for gossip and she was the one person who knew the comings and goings of each of the residents and their apartments. Mr. Wolenski was our resident who could be found sitting with his walker in the lobby around the hours of the soaps and the news, watching the world go by and meeting everyone as they came into the building and left again. It was quite common for at least one of those two people to warn me of problems before I ever got to my apartment.

I looked at Hector and Jose, and their eyes lightened and they smiled. I grinned back at them. "This will be fun", said Hector.

"Oh, yeah, baby", said Jose. "This is the best assignment ever."


	5. Chapter 5

I followed Ranger down to the conference room. Hector and Jose followed me, and Tank stood to the right of the door in the conference room at parade rest. He was being his usual quiet self, and I could tell that Dickie was off-balanced. Dickie was a chatterbox at the best of times, and there was nothing he liked better than hearing himself talk and having people hanging onto his every word. Knowing Tank, however, meant that I knew he would be doing anything and everything to make Dickie uncomfortable. Tank knew of the animosity between Dickie and me, and as a good friend of mine, he would do whatever possible to stick it to Dickie for my sake. To do so, Tank wasn't giving any indication that he had been listening to Dickie.

I looked at Dickie. His hair was slowly receding, and every time I saw him he had a little less. While he hadn't developed the middle-aged spread yet, he looked decidedly soft compared to every other male in the room. His weak chin wobbled as he looked up. When he saw me he sprang to his feet and scooted back as far away from me as he could get. "Get her away from me", he said. "The last time I saw her she tried to kill me."

"You should be thanking her", said Ranger. "Stephanie, out of the kindness of her heart, is offering her apartment as a safe house for you to stay in. We have decided that it is the best spot for you to hide out. With your contentious history, no one would ever suspect that you'd seek refuge in her apartment."

"I'm not living with her. Being chased by thugs is better than living with her."

"No, you're not living with her", said Ranger. "Stephanie has recently moved into the Rangeman building. Rangeman is taking over her lease to use her apartment as a safe house. You are the first guest there and are, in fact, one of the first people to know that she has moved."

"Why can't you put me in another safe house?"

"Steph's apartment is monitored by our control room. Her fire escape is alarmed and her front door is currently being outfitted with a camera. No one will be able to go into or out of her apartment without us knowing. Besides, it is the perfect hiding spot for you, just because no one will guess it as being your refuge. There is literally no one in the State of New Jersey that would suspect that you were hiding in Stephanie's apartment."

I went over to the table and sat down. Dickie moved to the other side of the table and cowered against the wall. "Relax, Dickie, I won't do anything with my boss looking on. I particularly like my job at Rangeman. For the first time since we broke up, I have been able to get ahead of my bills. It's not like you've ever paid the support that was awarded to me during our divorce." I could feel Ranger imperceptibly freeze. I hadn't told him that part before. "Yes, I encouraged you when you were going to school. I supported your dream of opening your own law firm. You repaid me by having an affair. I'm over that. I'm happy now, and I feel sorry for you. You will never be happy because you aren't willing to put yourself out there and take a chance. You aren't willing to commit and you've spent your whole life looking for something to make you feel better, whether it was whoring or gambling or whatever. So, yeah. I feel sorry for you and I'm willing to help you by letting you stay in my apartment. The sheets and towels are clean. Don't make a mess of the place. I just detailed the apartment this morning. Don't listen to music or the television loudly, be nice to the neighbors, and take out the trash when you are finished with the apartment. I know that all of those rules are foreign to you, but those are the rules."

Ranger turned to Hector and Jose, and introduced them. "Hector will be guarding you during the day, and Jose will guard you at night. Stay away from the windows, phone through any grocery orders and we'll go shopping for you, and do whatever Jose and Hector tell you to do. They are the professionals, and they are only as good as you let them be. If you don't listen to them, we'll take our retainer and cut you loose. Do you understand?"

Dickie eyed Hector and Jose fearfully. "Yes", he said timidly. Then he cleared his voice and repeated himself in a stronger tone.

"As soon as you sign the contract, the five of us will go to Stephanie's apartment. Stephanie will introduce the three of you to some of the residents so that they don't call the police on you. The fewer people who know that you are moving there, the better. I don't want the whole Trenton Police Department knowing where you are hiding."

"Then why are we telling the residents?" asked Dickie.

"The residents are attuned to traffic and problems in Stephanie's apartment, and they won't respond well if they think that someone is staying there who doesn't belong. They literally will call the police, the army and the Coast Guard if they think you aren't welcome guests."

"Okay."

"We will send someone to your house to retrieve some clothes and toiletries and will leave your car where you parked it. I'm sure the thugs have already identified it and are watching it."

"Can't I go and get my own clothes?"

"No. For the same reason that you have to leave your car behind, you also need to leave your house behind. We'll get your clothes and anything else you may want, whether it is a laptop or e-reader or whatever. Just let us know what you'd like, and we'll get it for you. This is our standard bodyguarding contract", said Ranger as he slapped the contract in front of Dickie and had him sign it. Dickie, in his upset, didn't even read it. Personally, I thought he was a better lawyer than that. "Do you have any questions?"

"Nope", said Dickie.

"Then let's go to the apartment. Babe, do you have extra keys to the apartment in your kitchen?"

"I have two spare keys in the apartment, and Hector can have one while Jose has the other."

"Don't I get a key?" said Dickie.

"No", said Ranger. "You will never be without Hector or Jose bodyguarding you, so you don't need a key."

Dickie was obviously thrown by Hector's and Jose's presence. He looked at them and swallowed hard. Hector and Jose looked back stoically at him, and although they looked formidable, I could see the laughter lurking in their eyes. I looked up at Tank and he looked serious, but I could see that he too was having trouble not smiling. I stood. "Shall we go?"

Hector walked out of the room, followed by Dickie, then Jose. Ranger and I walked out of the room next and, as we passed Tank, Tank winked at me and gave me the thumbs up sign. I grinned at him.

By the time we had made it to the parking garage, Dickie was looking a little panicked. He pulled Ranger aside just before we got into the cars, and spoke quietly to him. Ranger shook his head and spoke quietly back. Dickie threw a few anxious looks at Hector and Jose, and I could tell that he was worried about being guarded by them. If he wasn't such an asshole, I would have felt sorry for him.

"Do you think it's working?" said Hector quietly.

"Oh, yeah", I said as I tried not to smile.

Jose turned his back on Dickie. "This is such an awesome assignment. Hector and I'll be the envy of the rest of the staff."

I smiled. I hoped they still found it fun when they had spent some time with Dickie. It was my experience that spending time with Dickie made one want to poke your eyes out with a spoon or take your gun to shoot yourself. I rather thought that, at the end of this assignment, they should receive a bonus for getting through the assignment without killing him. I knew that I certainly couldn't do it.

Seconds later Ranger ushered Dickie into the car and Hector climbed behind the wheel. Jose got into another fleet car. "Remember to keep your head down", said Ranger, "as you leave the building so that people will assume that you're still here. We don't want those enforcers to find where you have gone." Dickie did up his seatbelt and, when Hector and Jose started their cars, he hurriedly bent over and buried his head in his knees.

Ranger and I got into his 911 Turbo and led Hector's and Jose's cars out of underground for the ten-minute drive to my apartment. Once we were alone, I said to Ranger, "was Dickie a little uncomfortable with Jose and Hector looking after him?"

Ranger smiled. "Yeah. It was freakin' awesome."

"You're having fun with this, aren't you?"

"Absolutely."

"Jose said that this is the best assignment ever, but they haven't spent time with Dickie yet. They don't realize that his name truly is indicative of his personality. I think you should consider giving them a bonus if they can get through this assignment without killing him."

Ranger laughed. "Not all assignments are easy or fun. The guys have the authorization to stick it to Dickie. They will find it enjoyable, especially knowing that you had been hit by him. Both Hector and Jose are very protective. All my staff are, but Hector and Jose are particularly so. They were pissed hearing about your experience with Dickie and will make sure he suffers, especially knowing that they are allowed to do so. Both men have been dedicated to you since Adam accosted you. The staff all are. Adam was a pain and a criminal, but he did a good job getting everyone to accept you." Adam was a man in Sales that a few months ago believed that he loved me and I loved him and that I wanted to run away with him, despite me having barely spoken to him. He was criminally obsessed, and the staff all supported me when I was dealing with him. "They become more dedicated to you when you became so focused on your retrieval of the human traffickers." There was a couple of human traffickers who were stealing women from South America, bringing them up to the States, and forcing them to work for little to no money. Because the women neither spoke English nor had official papers, they were stuck in their lives and didn't feel they had any choice other than to do what the human traffickers wanted them to do. I found the couple to be particularly abhorrent, and Lula and I spent hours on surveillance before we found them. Rangeman assisted us in the capture, a capture that became fraught with danger when the traffickers realized I was tracking them and decided to run to Canada, with me as a hostage to help them escape. Like so many times before, Ranger saved me. "Hector told me that his cousin had been abducted by a gang and was forced to act as their sex slave. They had got her addicted to drugs so that she wouldn't run away. Hector had been furious and had infiltrated the gang to capture the men responsible. He worked with the police and got the gang members arrested, but in preparation for his role, he had the teardrops tattooed under his eyes."

"So he hadn't really killed two people?"

"He has, but he did it when he was in the military rather than when he was a gangbanger. The police were very thankful for his participation and gave him a medal when his cousin was rescued. She is now doing well and has recovered nicely. When the gangbangers were all captured and charged, Hector was offered a role in the TPD. However, I had also heard about his role in taking the gangbangers down, and I offered him a spot on my team. I pay better than the police and I made a better pitch to Hector. He's been working with us ever since. I'm pleased that he has joined the team."

"I was always scared of him."

"He cultivates that tough guy act and enjoys it when people are scared of him."

"Now I understand it when you said that not everything appeared as it seemed when I told you that I was nervous around Hector."

"Part of the conditions he had for employment was that no one knew of his involvement in the arrest of the gangbangers. He said that he had developed the gangbanger persona and he felt that there were times that he could use that persona on behalf of Rangeman. I agreed."

"But you're telling me now?"

"We're together now."

"Does Jose have any stories like that in his past as well?"

"No, but he is also a soft person. He lives with his disabled mother and his grandmother, and he is supporting both of them financially as well as emotionally. He is a very caring person."

When we got to the parking lot, we parked in the back corner. Many of the people who lived in the building were seniors who fought to get the closest parking spot to the building, and I knew from experience that their eyesight often wasn't the best. There seemed to be a direct correlation between the proximity of my parking spot to the building and the number of scrapes and bangs that my car got. The closer to the building I parked, the more scrapes. This wasn't such a problem when I was driving my own car. My cars were all old and already pre-dented. However, it made me feel icky when it happened to one of Ranger's cars.

We walked into the building and I introduced Hector and Jose and Dickie to Mr. Wolenski. Mr. Wolenski smiled and nodded, and Hector and Jose smiled and shook Mr. Wolenski's hand. The old man relaxed and turned to me. "Are you staying in your apartment as well, chicky?" he asked.

I smiled. "No, Mr. Wolenski. With three guys in a one-bedroom apartment, I don't think there is enough room for me. As it is, they will have to share the bed." I could hear Dickie gulp, and I smiled again.

"That's true, chicky." He turned to Ranger. "You, I recognize."

"Stephanie has moved to my building, Mr. Wolenski. However, we are planning on keeping her apartment as a safe house. The residents here are a great group of people who care about their neighbors, and you won't let anything happen to anyone if you can at all stop it from happening."

Mr. Wolenski chuckled. "That's a nice way of saying that we're nosy."

I laughed and looked down at him. I kissed him on his cheek as Mr. Wolenski turned red in embarrassment. "You? Never", I said.

Ranger looked at me, his eyes soft, and I could see that he was thinking about smiling. I grinned at him. Ranger had told me once that I had a high EQ, and that I was good with people because of it, and I could see him thinking about that right then. I didn't know if I agreed with him, but I did know that I liked people. I liked making them smile and making them feel good about themselves. When I knew I had, I felt good about myself as well.

I led the four men into the building and over to the elevator. Hector and Jose checked out the staircase and the layout of the lobby as we waited for the lift. When it arrived, Mrs. Bestler held the doors open. We all trooped inside. It was a little squishy – while Dickie was a little man, Hector, Jose and Ranger weren't. They were sturdy and built, and they took up quite a lot of room.

I introduced the three newcomers to Mrs. Bestler and told her that they would be living in my apartment for a while.

"How long will you be with us?" said Mrs. Bestler.

"At least a month, ma'am", said Hector. He smiled at her, and Mrs. Bestler batted her eyelashes. I looked at Ranger and grinned. Mrs. Bestler would take good care of the three men – or she would, at least, take good care of Hector.

I gave Mrs. Bestler my business card and pointed out my cell number. I knew that I had given her one before, but I wasn't sure if she would remember where it was. It was easier, I thought, to just give her a new one. When we got to the second floor, I gave her a hug and we got off the elevator.

We went down to my apartment. Ranger took the key from me and opened the door, stayed at the entrance for a moment taking the pulse of the place, and when he decided that it was safe and threat-free, he led us into the apartment.

Hector and Jose investigated the windows and the fire escape as Dickie looked at the various rooms. His lip curled up at the avocado green appliances, the orange and brown tiles in the bathroom, and the sub-grade carpet throughout the apartment. He looked down at the light bloodstain on the carpet that, despite the building superintendent's efforts, hadn't come out. It was a leftover from the last person that I had shot. "This is where you live?" he said in disgust.

My face flushed in embarrassment, but then I got angry. "As I said, Dickie. If you had paid your alimony that I had been awarded, I would have been able to afford a more expensive place. But this apartment is safe, in a convenient location, and the residents are nice. Yes, the appliances pre-date Jesus's birth – but they work – and the décor is based on what the landlord could find in the discount bin – but it does the job. Hot water is limited and there is no dishwasher, but the apartment is quiet. All in all, it's a good place to live and is far better than most places available in my price range."

"Better yet", said Ranger, "it is safe for you. No one will expect you to be here."

Dickie nodded. "I'll say", he said. "This is a far cry from what I'm used to."

I turned red and gritted my teeth. My eyes bugged out and my head spun around like I was possessed, and I pretended that I was slamming his head against the wall. I reminded myself of the ruse we were pulling, and the need for us to maintain our cool so that we could bilk him of whatever money we could get. I was partially successful. As I cracked my knuckles, Dickie hastily shot to the other side of the room. When he settled as far away from me as possible in front of the windows, Ranger said, "stay away from the windows." As I barely held onto my temper, Ranger grabbed my hand and said to Dickie and the two bodyguards, "I'll leave you to it. I know that Steph wanted to do some research this afternoon, and we need to go to have a chance of taking the evening off. Call me if there are any problems. We'll just go to talk to the superintendent now, and then we'll be on our way." He tugged me to the door and out into the hall. As we got onto the elevator, he said, "breathe, babe. Think about the end game."

"When I have a chance to use my signature move on him?"

"Sacking him? I thought you were going to use your signature move on him in your apartment. I'm just glad you hadn't already put your gun on for the day. At one point, I thought you were going to use mine." Ranger looked at me. "Remember. Six years in jail and a fifty-thousand dollar payout to Rangeman."

I smiled again. Ranger always did know how to cheer me up.


	6. Chapter 6

At Ranger's insistence, I phoned my mother and grandmother to invite them to lunch the following day. As my mother answered, I could hear my grandmother in the background. "Your grandmother", said my mother, "is driving me crazy. She has gone to the library and has taken out books on how to write a resume. She wants to apply to work as a cashier at the porn shop. She says that, not only is she experienced in porn, she also is good with money. She's been watching porn on the computer again. Last night I could hear it from my bedroom and, when I asked her to shut it down, she said it was research."

I laughed. "Let me talk to her."

My mother got my grandmother, and my grandmother said, "hey, Steph. I'm planning on applying at the porn shop tomorrow. I could be a good salesperson. Will you be a reference?"

"I would, but you're not supposed to have family members as references."

"Oh."

"You know that, to be a saleswoman or even a cashier, you need to stand on your feet for several hours a day, don't you? I know you have trouble standing for long periods of time when you are at the funeral home, so I'm a little worried about it."

"That's true."

"Besides, if you are going to the porn shop you won't be able to do what I was going to suggest that you do tomorrow."

"What's that?"

"It's a secret that I'm telling just you and Mom about, but I don't want you to talk about it or let it be known that you are doing this."

I could tell that my grandmother was immediately interested. "You can tell me", she said. "I can keep a secret."

"I know. Can you put it on speakerphone, and I'll talk to Mom at the same time?"

Mom came on the line, and I could almost feel my grandmother vibrating in excitement. "I was wondering whether you'd like to come to Ranger's for lunch tomorrow", I said. "It's a secret because besides me, Ranger and his housekeeper, no one has seen the inside of Ranger's apartment before. Even his family hasn't seen the inside of it. Ranger has made a lot of enemies over the years and one of the ways he handles the danger is to keep his private life private. He may take it to the extreme, but that caution is what keeps me safe. Now that I am in his life, he is going to be even more cautious but Ranger and I knew that we could count on you to keep it secret and not tell anyone about his place. However, if you are planning on applying at the porn shop tomorrow, Grandma, Mom can always come for lunch without you."

There was a silence for a second, then Grandma said, "you know, that needing to stand all day would make things hard for me. I don't think I would like to stand all day. My bones couldn't take that. I don't think I will apply to the porn shop after all."

I could hear the relief in my mother's voice as she said, "thank you, Steph. What time would you like us?"

"How about eleven-thirty? That way we can have a bit of a visit before lunch."

I hung up the phone after giving directions a few minutes later, then called Ella and told her about the guests that I was having the next day. She told me that she was making soup for dinner in the break room, and she'd save some for our lunch. She also said that she would make a vegetable tray and a selection of sandwiches for our lunch, and she'd make some banana cake with cream cheese frosting for our dessert. While all of Ella's food was excellent, having the added dessert made it even better.

Following asking my mother and grandmother to lunch, I called the bonds office. Connie answered, and I asked her to put me on speakerphone. When she had, I asked both Connie and Lula whether she'd like to come for lunch and I could hear Lula squeal in the background. "I won't be able to take you into the office area", I said. "There's too much top secret stuff going on there and Ranger doesn't want any people other than staff in the offices or the control room. It's a matter of security."

"Like national security?" said Lula. I could imagine her sitting forward, her eyes bright with excitement. I don't know who would be more excited by their invitation – Lula or my grandmother.

"Amongst other things", I said. "Also, Ranger is counting on you keeping the location, layout and everything about his apartment a secret. You will have seen it, but you won't be allowed to talk about it. Ranger has made many enemies over the years, and to keep me safe he counts on his apartment being safe. It is our sanctuary. If you don't think that you can keep this a secret, then you aren't welcome." I had to be definite for Lula's sake. She had a history of blabbing secrets to anybody that would listen.

"I understand", said Lula. "You can count on me. My lips are sealed. I have locked them up and am throwing away the key."

"And one final thing", I said. "There will be no looking in Ranger's underwear drawer to find out what kind of underwear he wears."

There was a groan from Lula. "You know, I can keep this a secret, but not being able to peek into his underwear drawer will be hard."

I laughed. "Those are my conditions."

"We'll take them", said Connie. "I'd love to see Ranger's apartment."

"What made Ranger change his mind about letting people into his apartment?" said Lula. "He's been pretty hard and fast about not inviting people in before."

"He said that, now that I live here, it is my apartment too, and that my friends would want to see where we live. I am inviting my mom and grandmother for lunch tomorrow."

"You'll have to tell us how it went", said Connie.

"I will", I said. "I also have a story for you about the newest person that Ranger is protecting."

"Is the person he's protecting living with you?" said Lula.

I laughed. "No. This person will never see the inside of either the office or any of the apartments. I'll tell you more about it on Wednesday."

"You have me curious", said Lula. "I don't think I can wait until Wednesday."

I smiled. "Remember, keep it secret."

I got off the phone chuckling about Lula and her need to keep it a secret – and knowing how hard she would find that – and called Ella to tell her about the additional guests on Wednesday. Ella promised to make something good. "I always knew that you'd be good for Ranger", she said. "He was too private, too alone. With you he's found love, but he is also letting people into his life now, and that's a good thing for him."

"We're thinking of having his family up soon, and perhaps inviting Julie to stay for a few days."

"I'm sure his family will be happy to see where he lives. They are so far only reassured that he is living in a nice place because they know that I look after it and I have assured them that the place where he lives is indicative of his more sophisticated side. I think they worried that he was living in a hovel with a dirt floor and that he was eating bugs for dinner before I told him that."

"He seems like such a hard and tough guy that I had thought that as well before I saw where he lived. Now that I have gotten to know him and know of his more gentlemanly attitudes and sophisticated tastes, where he lives makes sense. Even so, I can definitely see your touch in making the place as upscale as it is, from his signature scent to the fresh cut flowers on the front hall table. Ranger told me once that you had a huge input on the design and decorating of his place, and I think you did a good job. I love his apartment."

"I tried to make it something that he would like. I knew he liked to cook and would appreciate a nice kitchen, so I made it a high-end working space and large in case he had his family over and they were all cooking together. The dining room, although not large, is functional. In keeping with Ranger's laidback personality, I made it open concept. His living room is quite a bit larger even though I didn't suspect that Ranger would use it much. After all, the television isn't in there. However, I did put a pullout couch in the space so that Ranger could have guests. I worked with the architect to make the living room large so that it could be subdivided at a later date, if needed, to add additional bedrooms."

My mouth dropped open as I ignored the hint about additional bedrooms. "The sofa is a pullout?" I said. I thought about all the times that Ranger had let me use his apartment as a safe house and had told me that his bed was more comfortable than the narrow sofa. It was his justification for having me sleep with him in his room.

"Both the sofas are", said Ella. "The sheets and blankets for them are in the hall closet at the front door on the shelf."

"Does Ranger know that?"

"He should. I have told him enough. I keep trying to get him to invite his family over, and so far he has refused."

"I look forward to his family seeing his place. I think they would be even more proud of him and what he's accomplished if they could see where he lives."

Ella smiled. "That's what I've always thought. Like Ranger, his parents and siblings are good people. I have known them for years. When my son died, I wanted to die as well. My husband entered a decline out of grief, and we were barely holding ourselves together. My husband ended up losing his job, and things went from bad to worse. Ranger kept in touch with us, and kept tabs on us. He visited regularly to talk to us about our son, and when he started construction on this building he offered us the jobs as housekeeper and caretaker, starting with overseeing the design and selection of finishings for the apartments. He designed the office space, but Luis and I did all the efficiency apartments, Ranger's apartment and our apartment. We had been on the verge of declaring bankruptcy when Ranger offered us the job. It saved us. The government doesn't treat their veterans well, but they also don't treat the veterans' families well either. Yes, what is happening to veterans is horrible. They are returning home after seeing unmentionable horrors, sometimes injured, sometimes mentally ill. However, the families who love the veterans also have a hard road to follow. They are left supporting the injured and ill, often with little or no resources. They are left supporting someone that has likely seen and experienced things that they aren't comfortable in admitting or aren't allowed to admit. In some cases, their loved one doesn't come back from their tour, and the family is left dealing with that. It's criminal that few resources are available for returning vets, but it is equally as revolting that few resources are available for their families. In our case, our son's death devastated us emotionally, physically, financially and professionally. Ranger saved us."

"I can see that. Ranger always comes across as someone who is hard and tough, and he is. But he also has a soft heart."

"That's true", said Ella. "He cares about people an awful lot, and works to protect them as much as he can."

"Inviting his family is the next thing that we will do."

"I'm glad to hear it. I know that Ranger's mom will thank you for encouraging him to let them in. Ranger is such a private person, but he doesn't have to stand so alone."

"I know. And I am the complete opposite. I'm an open book."

"Then you will be good for each other."

I smiled. "Thanks, Ella."

"Can I tell you again how happy I am that you have moved in? Ranger seems so much settled and so much happier now that he's with you."

"So am I", I said.

"I need to go. The sauce I'm cooking for your dinner has just come to a simmer."

"What are we having?"

"Homemade macaroni and cheese and a tossed salad and crème brulee for dessert."

"Yum. Did I tell you", I said, "that I think I love you? Macaroni and cheese is one of my favorites."

"I thought my spaghetti and meatballs were one of your favorites?"

"So are your hamburgers and roasts and stuffed chicken and… pretty well anything you cook is one of my favorites. I had always thought my mother was a good cook until I met you. Now I know that she's a good cook, but you are better. I always love what you make."

Ella laughed. "Thank you", she said.

"Go, before your sauce burns." I laughed and hung up the phone just as Ranger walked into my office.

"How is your research going today?" he asked.

"I'm running some files as we speak, and I got through a lot of the Sales requests today. There are no Operations' ones that are outstanding. I only have two more Sales' requests to handle, and they both look like small requests that won't take much time to complete. Why?"

"I was wondering whether you had time to go to the range and for a training session in the gym."

"Sure do."

"That's good. I could use a workout, and I haven't been in the range for a while myself." He waited until I turned off my computer and locked the door behind me, and he walked with me down to the equipment room to select our bullets.

On the way down to the firing range, Ranger held my hand tightly. "What's wrong?" I said.

Ranger sighed. "Dickie has already tried to leave the apartment twice. Every time Hector goes to the washroom Dickie tries to escape. The first time he tried to leave out the front door. The second time he tried to leave out of the fire escape. He's as determined as you. He's just not as intelligent about it. I don't know what he's hoping to accomplish. After all, he came to us to ask for our help. It isn't like we are forcing our protection on him."

"Did you already cash his check?"

"Yes. It was being done when you were introducing us to your neighbors."

"Good. It wouldn't be the first time that he bounced a check. Did you talk to him?"

"I'm just back from talking to him. He's so self-centered. He said some things against you and I asked him whether he was angry because you divorced him or whether it was because the Burg had all picked sides, and most of the people supported you rather than him. He grew angry at that one, and I again told him that you were letting him stay in your apartment out of the kindness of your heart. He said that I must offer great benefits to inspire such loyalty and that it was his experience that you were anything other than kind. He said that you made a mountain out of a molehill when you were married and that he was just having an affair, that it wasn't anything serious, and that you weren't nearly as much fun when you were married as he thought you would be. He said some things about your performance in bed. I told him that it was true that you weren't a prostitute and you didn't have sex with animals, unlike Joyce Barnhardt, but I wasn't sure what he was expecting since you were every man's dream. Then I asked him if that had been the problem in your relationship, that you were the wrong gender. He blustered for a few minutes, and I left him so that I didn't hit him. I don't know what you saw in him."

"He was a lawyer and can be charming if he wants to be. My parents were pushing me to marry him and have babies, and I thought going the traditional route was the way to go. I never questioned whether that was something I wanted. After we broke up, he told me that he would have said anything to get me into bed with him but that if I had gone to bed with him prior to getting married, he would have known how useless I was in the sack and would never have married me."

"Then he doesn't know what good sex is and he has now won the award for the biggest idiot that I have ever met. That is saying something considering the sector of people that I traditionally work with. And I thought Morelli was an idiot for not respecting you better and for not supporting you better. Morelli would have been a dream to you after being married to Dickie."

I smiled suddenly, and said, "he was, but you're a dream after Morelli. My partners have just improved over time."

He huffed out a laugh and opened the door to the shooting range for me. When I had entered, he handed me safety equipment and grabbed a few targets. He cued one up for me and one up for himself, gave me a kiss, and then took out his gun. I took mine out at the same time. While Ranger shot quickly and they all went through the very center of the bulls-eye, I was a little slower about my shooting and my shots were a little more scattered. However, it was probably my most successful target practice ever. About half of my shots made it into the center of the black circle. Although they didn't tear up the paper and leave a large hole in the target like Ranger's did, there was some definite accuracy with my shooting. Of the remaining fifty percent, all were somewhere on the rings. I was pleased. I had shot several clips in and on the last clip Ranger watched me with a smile on his face.

When I finished shooting, Ranger looked at the target with me. "Congratulations", he said. "I think that target is a keeper." Ranger had encouraged me to periodically keep targets so that I could see the progression of my marksmanship. I hadn't wanted to – I didn't want the reminder of me shooting guns – but I had done what he had suggested and I had to say that I was glad that I had done that. It was reassuring to me to see the improvement, especially when I was having a bad day and didn't feel like I would ever get better. My bad day now is the same as my good day a few months before.

We took off the protective gear and left the range. Ranger put his arm over my shoulder as we walked to the elevators, and I was glad to feel that the tension in his body had dissipated. "I talked to my mother and grandmother", I said. "They are coming for lunch tomorrow, and when I called Connie and Lula, I arranged for them to come for lunch the following day. I have already told Lula that she cannot, under any circumstance, look in your underwear drawer."

Ranger grimaced. "But did you tell your grandmother the same thing?"

I paused. "Damn. No, I didn't. But since my grandmother has already seen your package, seeing your underwear might be anticlimactic." At least, I hope it would be. A couple of years ago Ranger had been targeted by a terrorist and, when Ranger and I were at the shore to capture the criminal, Ranger had taken a shower. Unbeknownst to him, my grandmother had arrived in the room while he was in the bathroom and, when he walked out of the shower naked, and Grandma got an eyeful. "Seeing you naked was her singular most favorite moment in her whole life. It was after that experience that she had decided that she was a cougar and tried to pinch the butts of any cute man walking by. For a few weeks she became a terror at church and my mother could no longer take her to Giovichinni's. She spent her Social Security check at Victoria Secret. Luckily, my grandmother's interests don't last long, and she stopped haunting Victoria Secret a month later. As she said, her tits were the pits – her words, not mine – and no matter how they were dressed up they were still wrinkly and limp. I told her that it was better for her breasts to be wrinkly and limp than for the man to have the same problem."

"That's not a good image, babe."

I laughed. "That's what my dad said."


	7. Chapter 7

At eleven-thirty on the dot I got a call from Reception that my mother and grandmother had arrived. I told the security guard working in the lobby, Ralph, that I would be down momentarily, took the elevator down to the reception desk and gave my mother and grandmother a hug and a kiss.

I signed them in, and then walked with them over to the elevator. "I can't take you around the building", I said. "Ranger is very careful about not letting anyone other than staff in the offices. There is too much of a security risk otherwise. However, we are going to the seventh floor, which is the penthouse. That is where Ranger's apartment is."

The elevator came and my grandmother and mother got on. I punched the button for the top floor and got out my keys. Ella had arranged with me that she'd bring our lunch to us at around twelve, and Ranger had said that he'd show up if he could. Ella said that she'd set the table in the dining room and commented that, although Ranger had lived in the apartment for some time, she didn't think the dining table had ever been used in the past. I personally thought that was sad.

As the elevator rose to the seventh floor, Grandma looked around her. "You know what this elevator needs? Music. You should talk to Ranger about that. Music makes people happy."

"That's something to consider", I said. I could just imagine Ranger rolling his eyes if I told him that his elevator was lacking because it didn't play music.

Tank got on the elevator at the third floor and smiled at my family. "Oh, my, you're a big one", said my grandmother.

Tank looked at me, and I could see that he was thinking about smiling. He turned to my grandmother. "That's what the doctor said when I was delivered, and my momma yelled at him that she knew that already."

I laughed.

Tank got off at the fifth floor, and I was glad that he got off the elevator. I could see my grandmother trying to figure out if he was big all over, and I didn't want to take the chance that she came out and asked him point blank. Tank was stoic and could take a lot, but I think that sort of comment from my grandmother would throw even him.

We got to the seventh floor and I ushered my mother and grandmother out. I unlocked the door and turned on the lights when we entered, and put my keys on the silver tray on the antique hall table at the side of the entry. I sniffed the cut flowers that Ella had put out that morning and assessed the apartment as though I was seeing it for the first time.

The apartment was comprised of two halves. The first half was a large professional-grade kitchen. It had every appliance you could think of, from a warming drawer to an upright freezer, from a dishwasher to a fridge with water and ice dispensers. All appliances were stainless steel. Counters were granite. Cupboards were wood. It was a warm and comfortable room, large enough to cook in and welcoming enough to encourage lingering.

Dividing the kitchen from the dining room was a breakfast bar. That was where Ranger and I sat to eat most of our meals although we had been known, during playoff games and Die Hard marathons, to eat in front of the television.

The dining room, although small compared to the rest of the apartment, was just as large if not larger than the dining room at my parents' house. Ella had bought flowers for the dining table as well, and with the glossy wood and the cut flowers in the crystal vase in the center of the table and the place settings with the white linen napkins, the room looked upscale and sophisticated. My mother and grandmother hummed in appreciation.

The dining room was open to the living room. The living room was quite large but was welcoming even so. Until my family had arrived, I didn't think it had ever been used. Like the rest of the apartment, it was casually sophisticated. Furniture was brown leather with cream and black throw pillows. Woods were dark. It was a room that invited you to sit down and relax.

After showing them the living area, I took them into the master suite. Everything there was designed on the grand scale. The bedroom was large, the closet was more of a dressing room in size and was bigger than the bedroom I had grown up in, the master bath was a comfortable size for a family of four to use at the same time with room to spare, and attached to the bedroom was an office/den that served as Ranger's television room. The office/den was also generously proportioned and had room for Ranger's desk, bookshelves, a sofa and a gas fireplace with a television mounted above it.

Bissecting the two halves of the apartment was the main hall and a powder room. The whole apartment was painted a pale chocolate milk colour with black accents. The resulting effect was stylish but comfortable. I personally loved it.

"This is lovely, Steph", said my mother. "It's much nicer than your apartment."

I laughed. They were so far different that they couldn't even be compared.

"I don't know", said my grandmother. "I liked the brown and orange tiles in the bathroom, and the avocado appliances really took me back to the sixties. Those were the good old days. Drugs were acceptable and alcohol was common. Not that I partook of them. I was already having kids at that point – but I would have liked to have tried them."

"Alcohol is common today as well", I said, "and drugs are much more common than you might think, unfortunately." I led my family back into the living room and said, "if you excuse me for a moment, I have to take my gun off. I don't want to wear it during lunch."

I left the room and locked my gun in Ranger's gun cabinet, then went back into the living room and offered my mother and grandmother a glass of water or juice. My grandmother popped to her feet and said that she'd love to try the water dispenser. When my mother asked for a glass of water, my grandmother took the position in front of the dispenser. She had fun pushing buttons until the perfect mix, according to my grandmother, of water to ice had been dispensed. She handed the glass to my mother, and then did the same thing for herself. Since she looked disappointed when she was finished pouring those glasses, I asked for a glass of water as well, and told my grandmother that she could prepare a glass of water for Ranger.

"I had thought it would be a good idea for me to work in the porn shop", said my grandmother, "but needing to stand on your feet for eight hours at a time would be a little difficult. So I was thinking that Ranger could hire me." I choked on my water. "I'm almost finished preparing my resume", she said. "I can show it to you the next time you are home. I was thinking that I could do reception. I noticed that the man working at the reception desk was wearing a gun. I could do that. I would be the best reception person ever."

"If you want to apply you can, but you have to know that only two women work for Ranger. His housekeeper Ella, and me. Ranger requires all Operations staff to have a military background. He prefers for his Sales and Support staff to also have military training. In fact, I am one of the few employees that didn't work for the military before working here. The person working reception does more than just greet people as well. He is the person who keeps tabs on who is in the building, where they are, and he's responsible for fire protocol and protecting the office from people approaching the building through the street or garage level. Why do you want to work here, Grandma?"

"I'd like to have a job where I was required to wear a gun. That would be much more fun than working in the porn store. If I was working at reception, I could sit down. And since it looked like not much happened there, I could have a nap whenever I felt like it. It would be the perfect job for me."

"I see." I smiled. "You could talk to Ranger about that when he gets in for lunch." I thought it was lucky that Ranger thought my grandmother was a hoot. He would need his patience to deal with her over the lunch period if she started to hound him about working at Rangeman.

Minutes later, Ranger walked into the apartment and gave my mother and grandmother a hug each. He came over to me and gave me a kiss, then took off his gun belt and dropped it on the breakfast bar next to Rex's cage. I handed him the glass of water that Grandma had prepared and explained that Grandma was on water dispensing duties. "It's the most amazing thing", she said as we all walked into the living room to sit down. "I've never seen a water dispenser like that before. It delivers cold water whenever you want."

Ranger smiled.

"I was thinking that you should hire me", said Grandma to Ranger. "I would be a good person to work your reception desk. I could be the face to the company. Steph says that you have to keep track of who is in the building at all times, and I could do that. And unlike the porn shop I wouldn't have to stand around all day long. It is the perfect job for me."

"That's something to consider, but I have to warn you that I only hire people with a military background."

"Steph doesn't have a military background."

Ranger looked at me with a smile. "Steph is a special case, but she doesn't do any interaction with the public. She isn't put into a position of danger at Rangeman, so she doesn't have to rely on her military training in her job."

"You could make a special consideration for me as well", said Grandma.

"I don't make allowances for anybody, whether they are family or not. It's not just you. I have told my nephews the same thing." He looked at Grandma's disappointed face. "When people's safety is impacted by the suitability of the people you hire, there is an incentive to hire the right people. I'm sorry, but you don't have the qualifications."

Grandma looked like she was starting to pout, so I quickly finished my water and asked her to get me another glass. A smile appeared on her face and she hopped to her feet, took my glass, and went into the kitchen.

A few minutes later, it occurred to me that I hadn't heard the ice machine clinking or the water pouring, and I got up mid conversation and walked into the kitchen. Grandma had Ranger's gun out of his holster and was admiring it. "Grandma? What are you doing?"

"This here is a thing of beauty, Steph. I thought Ranger's gun that he has in his pants was a beautiful thing, but this gun is astounding. This puts my Elsie to shame." She held the gun out in front of her and said, "freeze, sucker."

I moved slowly towards Grandma and, as I started to take the gun away from her, all the while trying not to spook her, Ranger said, "are you having problems with the dispenser?" At the sound of Ranger's voice, Grandma jumped and pressed the trigger of the gun. The gun exploded and the recoil knocked her off the bar stool so hard she fell and landed flat on her back. As she looked up at us, she said, "I didn't do it."

"Ma!" said my mother in horror.

A wave of anger washed over me and I suddenly could understand my mother's point of view. "Grandma, we saw you shoot the gun."

"I don't know what happened. I was just looking at Ranger's gun. I wasn't doing anything wrong."

"Is everyone okay?" said Ranger. I looked at him as he visually assessed me, and I knew that he was worried that we'd been hurt. He had his 'not happy' look on, and I couldn't blame him. With all his preaching of gun safety that he prescribed, I knew that he wouldn't be happy to have his gun shot anywhere other than in the firing range.

Ranger and I checked my grandmother for broken bones and, when we decided that she was alright, we helped her to her feet. As we got her upright, Tank and five other men ran into Ranger's apartment, guns out. "Is everyone okay?" said Tank as he saw us standing around.

"Oh, hello again", said my Grandma. "You all have guns as well. What kind do you have? Can I hold yours?"

"NO!" said Ranger and I together.

Ranger turned to the men. "It's okay. Grandma got ahold of my gun and decided to try a little target practice in the kitchen."

"She should try a firing range instead", said Tank.

"That would be good", said Grandma as she brightened. "Steph, would you take me to a firing range?"

"NO!" I said.

"I need to practice my shooting", said Grandma. I glared at her. "It was an accident. Don't you ever have accidents?"

"Yes", I said. "But they don't usually result in a gun going off. That's a serious thing to have happen, Grandma. Someone could have gotten hurt."

"Where did the bullet go?" said Ramon.

I looked at Grandma, and she looked anywhere other than me. "I think we should go now", she said to my mother.

"Grandma?"

"Steph?" said Tank. "I know where the bullet went."

I turned to Tank. He sounded very worried. He pointed at Rex's cage, and I looked down. There was a bullet hole through one of the glass walls of the cage, and a bullet wedged in Rex's soup can hidey-hole. I made an involuntary cry of distress. "No, no, no, no", I said.

"I really think we should go now", said my grandmother. She took my mother's hand and tugged her to the door.

I looked up at my grandmother with tears in my eyes. I pointed to a chair. "Grandma! Sit!"

My grandmother meekly came through to the dining room and sat on the chair that I had pointed to.

The men were silent as they watched me walk over to Rex's cage. Rex was hiding in his soup can hidey hole. The bullet had almost pierced his soup can and was sticking straight up out of the metal, and the can was dented drastically where the bullet was residing. His little hind legs were frantically pinwheeling in the wood shavings. I suspected what had happened was that he had been hiding in his soup can when the bullet scared him and, now that the soup can was dented, he couldn't get free. His body was shaking and he was trying to pull himself out of the can, but he couldn't move. He was lucky that he wasn't dead.

Ella walked in with a tray of food. "Oh, dear", she said. "If I had known that there would be all these people here, I would have made more food."

"I'm hungry", said my grandmother.

"Ma!" said my mother.

"Does anyone here have a Swiss Army knife on them?" I asked. "We have to get this can off Rex, and the old fashioned type of can opener on the Swiss Army knives might be able to get through the metal."

"I have one", said Ella. She reached into her pocket and pulled out the tool. "They're handy to have when you are doing work around the apartments. I don't want to disturb Luis from his work just to do something simple that I could do with my own multi-use tool."

She handed the tool to me and I opened options until I found the can opener. I gently lifted Rex up and put him on the sink, then slowly worked at the metal. As I went, I pulled the metal from Rex's body. Tears were running down my face and snot was pouring out of my nose, and Rex was getting more and more distressed. I was glad that I had put him in the sink because he kept peeing and pooping, and I hoped Ella had a bottle of bleach or something below the sink that I'd be able to sanitize the area with afterwards.

Ranger rubbed my back and, when my hands started to cramp from the strain of using the tool, he took over. I gently patted Rex's back to try to keep him calm. Ranger was faster at working the can opener, and shortly afterwards Rex got free. Rex moved out of the can suddenly, and in his upset he bit me. "Fuck!" I said. Blood came rushing to the surface and tears came to my eyes.

"He's free?" said Grandma.

"Yes", I said. As one, all the men in the room breathed a sigh of relief.

"Great! Let's eat!" said Grandma. "And when we eat, perhaps you can show me your gun", she said to Tank.

Ranger turned to the men and thanked them for the fast response. He turned to Grandma and my mother and told them to start lunch without us. He took a bleach wipe out from under the sink and wiped down Ella's tool, then closed it up and thanked her for lending it to us. Then, as Ella and the men left, he picked up his gun, grabbed hold of my hand and tugged me into the master bath. He left me for a second to lock his gun away in the gun safe, and then came through to the bathroom. "Wash your hands, babe. Let's get some antiseptic cleanser on this bite." I washed my hands and then washed my face. My makeup had melted and I had raccoon eyes. By the time my face was clean my finger was throbbing.

Ranger looked at the bite. "This is a good one", he said. He gave a half-smile. "Not good enough for you to get out of stretching, but good enough that you get a pass for a few days on target practice." He looked at it a little longer. It was still bleeding. "This looks quite deep, babe. Do you want to get stitches?"

"No, it's just a hamster bite."

"He bit you very hard."

"Trust me, I know."

He put some antibiotic cream on a bandage and applied the bandage to my finger. "Let's keep an eye on this. If it doesn't stop bleeding, I'll take you into the clinic to get sutures."

"I'll be fine."

I slid off the counter and he gathered me into his arms. I was still shaking, and I nestled in and let the sound of his slow heartbeat and the scent of his body wash soothe me. "Grandma is okay," he said, "Rex is okay, your mother is okay, and you and I are okay."

"I know. I should have known when my grandmother saw your gun belt come off. She is fascinated by guns."

"And I should have known better than to leave it out where she could get to it. It could have ended so much worse."

"That's true. I keep thinking about 'what ifs'."

"'What ifs' are an unproductive use of time and attention. They didn't happen. You have to think about what did. No one got hurt. Rex is upset but fine, and when his stress levels subside he will be good again. We need a new cage, but that is immaterial. My staff was given a great impromptu training exercise. There are positives in what happened. Look at the positives, babe." He smoothed my hair behind my ears and kissed me tenderly on my forehead. "Come on, let's eat."

We walked out of the bathroom and down into the dining room. My grandmother was sitting sullenly at the dining room table eating her lunch, and I could only guess that my mother had been reading her the riot act. Judging by the size of my grandmother's pout, I would assume that my mother had cut her off of pineapple upside-down cake for at least a week.

Good.

"Now that you're back", said my grandmother, "I was thinking that you know what this means?"

"That you're not getting a job at Rangeman?" said Ranger, totally straight-faced.


	8. Chapter 8

As I waited for Connie and Lula to arrive, I could only pray that lunch would go better with them than it had the day before. Ranger had handled it well after he realized that no one was hurt. He had told me that, at first, he had thought that I had been shot. Grandma was suitably cowed by what had happened, and my mother told her that she had to buy Rex a new cage. Ranger said that he would buy a new cage instead, just because he had made the mistake of not putting his gun away when he came into the apartment. Ranger had gone out and purchased Rex a new cage that afternoon. Instead of a glass cage, it was made of wire and was a little bigger than his old one. However, when Ranger was buying Rex his cage he also bought Rex some tubes to crawl through, and instead of a soup can he bought him a mini plastic igloo to store his treats in. Ranger flushed when I thanked him for the new accessories. He said that he didn't have any soup tins for Rex, and when he saw the tubes he thought Rex would appreciate them. But he looked a little embarrassed as he said it. I thought, right at that minute, that I couldn't love him any more than I did.

So the next day, I was a little nervous about showing Connie and Lula the apartment. Like the day before, they came to the reception desk and Ralph called me. I shut down my office and descended to the lobby to sign Connie and Lula in. Lula was talking to Ralph and had pulled out her gun from her bag so that they could compare weapons. "No!" I said as I signed the register. "No guns!"

"Hunh. She has all these rules", said Lula to Ralph. "I don't understand why there is a no gun rule. I'm a good shot."

"Put away your gun or you can't come upstairs", I said.

"You have your gun out", said Lula.

"It's in my holster and when I get into the apartment it will be going into the gun safe", I said.

"Can you believe that?" said Lula to Ralph. She leaned forward and her plus-sized assets alarmingly looked like they were about to burst out of her petite-sized bra. Ralph looked a little stunned and I could understand why. Lula had dressed up for the occasion of seeing Ranger's apartment. She was wearing red heels that were about five inches high, fishnet stockings, and a shiny gold dress that was so short it was barely covering her doodad and had a neckline so deep that I could see her belly button. Although the dress looked like it had a lot of spandex in it, the fabric had been stretched to the max and I was fully expecting it to rip, Hulk-style, as she moved. On most people, the outfit would look trashy but on Lula the outfit somehow worked.

"You know what?" I said. "Leave your gun here at reception. Ralph can look after it while you are in the apartment." Lula looked like she was going to refuse. She clutched her gun to her chest and stared at me. "I think Ella made cake from scratch for dessert." I knew she had. It was a black forest cake that looked so good that I had seriously considered snagging a pre-lunch piece and calling it an appetizer, but I thought that would be a little rude and hard to hide.

Lula handed her gun over. "You take good care of it, okay? That baby is my pride and joy."

"Yes, ma'am", said Ralph.

I turned to Connie. "You, too."

"I won't take my gun out, Steph. You know that."

"I know, but in the interests of fairness you should have to give up your gun as well."

"Yeah", said Lula. "If I have to give up my gun, then you should as well."

"We had an incident in the apartment yesterday involving guns, and Rex was shot", I said. "Ranger and I are a little sensitive about gun safety as a result."

"I'm sorry. If I had known there was a death", said Lula, "I would have brought flowers."

"Rex is okay", I said, "but the bullet had crumpled up the can around him and he couldn't get out, so he was very upset until Ranger was able to get the can open. His cage was ruined as well, so Ranger bought him a new cage. He seems happy enough now, but it was a tense half hour until it was all settled out."

"Poor Rex", said Lula.

Connie handed her gun over to Ralph, and they turned to follow me to the elevator. Hal came out of the gym and stood at the elevator as well, and he smiled and said hi to Connie and Lula. Hal was a friend of mine. Lula and I had privately nicknamed him Halosaurus because of his size, but despite his muscular bulk and hulking physique, he was the gentlest man that I'd ever met. He always had a smile on his face, and he honestly loved people.

"How's it hanging, sweetie?" said Lula to him.

Hal grinned. "Hey, Lula. Life's good. I'm surprised to see you here."

"Steph is taking us up to Ranger's apartment."

"Really? Does he know about this?"

I laughed. "It was his idea."

"Hunh. I haven't seen his apartment either."

"You can ask Ranger for your own tour", I said. "Somehow I don't think he'd be happy having me invite another man into his private domain."

Hal laughed. As the elevator arrived, he held the door for us so that we could get on. "Are you going to work now?" said Lula.

"No. I'm on the evening shift", said Hal. "I don't start work until three. I just woke up a couple of hours ago, and I wanted to get a workout in before I went back to my apartment to shower."

"You live here?" said Lula, as her eyes started to sparkle.

"Hell, yeah", said Hal. "There are a number of apartments on site for staff. Most people live off site, but there are a few for those who are on the Emergency Response Team. It enables us to mobilize quickly when there is an emergency."

"That's how Ranger was able to get a team together so quickly when Mary Lou was kidnapped a month ago", I said. "He had a team pulled together within fifteen minutes."

"There are twenty efficiency apartments in the building spread out over two floors. Each floor is comprised of one team, and there is always one team available to work at all times", said Hal.

"Does anyone else ever stay in your apartments?" said Lula.

"No, it's only the ERTs that live here", said Hal.

"What about spouses?" said Lula.

"If you are an ERT, you can't bring your spouse to work. That includes staying in the apartment. When you aren't on-call, where you live is optional. You're allowed to stay in your apartment but, if you prefer or if you have a home to go to, you can live there. However, when you are on-call you must stay within the building during non-work hours since you have to be able to muster within ten minutes."

"What about girlfriends?" said Lula. "Has your girlfriend ever seen your apartment?"

"Ranger has a rule that the apartments are for staff and staff only. If we want to hook up with a girl, it will have to be at her place or at a hotel. We aren't allowed to have partners here to the site. It just isn't safe for anyone if we have civilians here."

"But surely, for me, you could take me for a little tour?" said Lula.

Hal turned red. "No. Not even you would be allowed in the apartments", said Hal.

"Lula", I said. "Remember what I said. This visit is to see Ranger's apartment and Ranger's apartment only. This isn't to figure out whether Hal is a boxer or a brief kind of guy."

The elevator came to a stop on Hal's floor. I looked at him, and he was four shades of red. As he stepped out, he turned to us and smiled. "Definitely boxers all the way", he said. Lula's face broke out in interest as the doors closed.

Lula stared at the doors for a moment as she thought about that, then evidently decided that she didn't have anything to say about Hal's boxers. I was surprised. It would normally be the kind of thing that she commented on.

"So tell us how Rex got shot", said Connie.

I told them about Grandma and her fascination with the water and ice dispenser and her ambition to work for Ranger. I told them of Ranger coming in and putting his gun on the counter and Grandma helping herself to it. And I told them about Grandma shooting Rex and what happened to Rex.

"Did you have to get stitches?" said Connie.

"No", I said. "It stopped bleeding, and I wouldn't let Ranger take me into the doctor's for a hamster bite. How ridiculous do you think I would feel if the doctor asked me what had happened and I had to say that it was a hamster that had bitten me?"

Connie and Lula laughed.

"At least it ended well", said Lula.

"That it did, but it was a little tense anyway." We got off the elevator and I unlocked the door. "Rex was upset for quite a while afterwards."

Connie's and Lula's mouths dropped open as they walked into Ranger's apartment. I put my keys on the silver tray on the antique hall table, and noticed that Ella had changed out the flowers on the side table and on the dining table with fresh ones. I rather thought that Ella was far more proud of the apartment than Ranger was. For Ranger, I wasn't sure if he even noticed that there were flowers there.

I took them on a quick tour, and showed them the kitchen, dining and living rooms. Then I took them into the master suite. Lula particularly liked the king bed with its fluffy duvet. Connie particularly liked the double shower with body sprays, and both people asked me if they could try out their favorite feature. Lula especially was disappointed when I said no.

We walked out to the kitchen and Lula was just as fascinated with the ice and water dispenser as Grandma was. She said, with the ability of the ice dispenser to make ice chips, it would be much more suitable to make margaritas than using the ice cube trays that she had at her apartment. I didn't pick up her hint that she'd like to be invited back to make a margarita sometime.

Lula opened the fridge to take a peek inside. "This is like an episode of _Cribs_ on television", she said. "You always want to see the kind of food that the stars have in their fridge." She inspected the offerings in Ranger's. There were fresh fruits ready for snacking and a fresh vegetable tray ready for lunch. There was a tray of sliced deli meats and cheeses, a container of four-bean salad and a container of potato salad, and in the warming drawer were buns. "Fuckin' A. It's like Ranger has a food fairy that works for him. Does he always eat like this?"

"Pretty much. Ella made chocolate cake for dessert, however, and Ranger doesn't normally have dessert."

"Where's your cupboard?" asked Lula as she shut the fridge door. When I had started to stay regularly at Ranger's apartment, I had moved some of my favorite foods into his space. I suspect it was out of desperation so that he didn't have to look at junk food on his counter, but he designated a cupboard for my use.

I pointed to the upper cupboard next to the fridge. She opened it up to see a half dozen chocolate bars, a jar of peanut butter, another jar of chocolate hazelnut spread, a container of raisins, and a bag of cheez doodles. Her mouth dropped open again. "Ranger allows you to keep junk food in the apartment?"

I laughed. "Even better, he asks Ella to keep it stocked. When I eat a chocolate bar, it is replaced within the day. Same thing for the cheez doodles. I haven't run out of peanut butter or chocolate hazelnut spread yet, but I would assume that the same thing would happen for them. Ella is great and very responsive to my needs."

"Yeah, but that no dessert thing would be hard for me", said Lula.

"Ranger has asked Ella to provide me dessert every night", I said. I didn't bother telling them that it was as a reward for doing fifteen minutes of cardio. They didn't really need to know that, did they? "She makes the best desserts as well."

"Damn. I could use an Ella in my life", said Lula.

"Ella is a wonderful person and definitely makes Ranger's and my lives easier."

"I would never have thought of Ranger as having such a nice place", said Connie. "I should have guessed it from the cars that he drives, shouldn't I?"

"It took me by surprise for the longest time also", I said. "Sometimes it still takes me by surprise."

"I can see why you're with Ranger", said Lula. "This place is much nicer than your apartment, isn't it?"

"Moving in was about much more than simply the advantages that I would have", I said with a bit of bite. "You know that."

"Are you still concerned that he will leave you?" said Lula.

"I'm getting less so each and every day", I said as I sighed. "But the real test will be the three-month mark. Apparently, cross contamination between my peanut butter and the olives causes my partners to go nuts. That was why Morelli and I couldn't make it when living together, and Dickie used to get mad about that at times as well. Three months seems to be all anyone can take."

"Yeah, but that's okay. Ranger doesn't eat peanut butter", said Lula.


	9. Chapter 9

I handed cutlery to Connie and put the lunch out on the table. Unlike the day before, Ranger wasn't intending on stopping in to eat with us. He said that he was sure that he would be an impediment to the conversation. I personally thought that he was just avoiding the potential of Lula asking him for a tour of the office spaces.

"So who is Ranger protecting now?" asked Lula. "You've had me curious since you talked to us on Monday."

I smiled. "Dickie."

"Dickie, your ex-husband?" said Connie. "And you're smiling about it?"

I laughed. Dickie's and my animosity was well known. In one of my last confrontations with him, Connie and Lula had to pull me off him when I had been choking him. While I had been exceedingly angry at him and I might have lost control a little bit, I was in fact planting a bug on him at the time, and choking him seemed like the most expedient way of doing so. Being able to threaten him with death was a nice side benefit.

"I am, actually." I told them about Dickie's forty million, which caused Connie to bare her teeth and Lula to give a hiss of anger. I told them about him not paying tax on the money, which made them both hiss in anger. And then I told them about Ranger finding out about the tax evasion and him telling the FBI.

"Yeah, baby. That's why I like him", said Lula.

I smiled again. Then I told them about Dickie owing money to his bookie and him knowing that someone was looking for him, and Dickie's assumption that it was the bookie looking for him. I told them about Dickie coming to Ranger to arrange protection. "I don't know how much he owes his bookie, but based on how much he is paying Rangeman for protection services, it must be considerable."

"Especially if he is willing to pay twice Ranger's regular protection rate", said Connie. "Ranger is known as having the best protection service around, but his services don't come cheap."

"True", I said. I then told him where Dickie was staying, who was looking after him, and the torment they were planning on putting Dickie through. "So that's why I'm smiling as I say his name."

"Hell, yeah", said Lula as she helped herself to another scoop of potato salad. "I'd be smiling too", she said.

I laughed.

"So besides your grandmother shooting Rex, how was your visit with your family?" asked Connie.

"It was good", I said. "My grandmother is on a new kick that she'd like to get a job. At first she wanted to get a new job at the new business that opened up beside Giovichinni's, Tips and Clips."

"They are opening a sex shop next to Giovichinni's?" said Lula. "Cool. People will be able to buy their porn and their pork, all in the same trip."

"In each case you'd be buying meat", said Connie.

I laughed. "No. That's what I thought as well, but apparently Tips and Clips is the name for a new beauty salon and refers to manicures and haircuts."

"That makes more sense", said Lula. "Although it would make a good name for a porn shop."

"I know. Anyway, Grandma thought that she could get a job there. After a few minutes, she decided it would be too hard to answer the phone and not say "Tits and Clits", so she decided that it would be a lot more fun to work in a porn shop. She's been annoying my mother and horrifying my father by watching porn on the computer for research purposes. She thought that she had many more years of experience and could help guide people, but when I pointed out to her that she'd have to stand for long periods of time and that might be difficult, she decided she'd rather work here at Rangeman and be able to wear a gun. I reminded her that the holster wouldn't look good with her slacks and it would throw off the line of her dresses, but she said working at reception would be the perfect job for her. She could wear a gun and she could sit down for her shift, and since there wasn't a lot happening there she could always have a nap whenever she wanted. She explained the benefits to Ranger and he explained that he didn't hire anyone who didn't have a military background. She explained why she should be considered since I didn't have a military background and she was family. He put his foot down and Grandma pouted, so I sent her off to get another glass of water for me, which was when she shot Rex."

"Unfortunate timing for her."

"Yes, although Ranger wouldn't have hired her anyway. However, Grandma is on a kick where she wants to get a job. I can't wait until she decides next where she wants to work."

"Your mother must be beside herself", said Lula.

"I think my mother has about had enough. She was really upset when my grandmother shot Rex. She said that she hoped that it wouldn't stop me from having them for lunch another time, and that she was relieved to see that I had moved into such a nice place."

"I can see that. It must be hard for your grandmother to keep Ranger's place a secret."

"I'm sure she is bursting with the knowledge, but that is her problem. My mother is just glad that I was able to divert her from applying to the porn shop. She had been intending upon applying yesterday until she had found out about my lunch invitation."

"Don't send her to the bonds office", said Connie.

"I won't purposely send her to the bonds office", I said, "but I wouldn't be surprised if you find her application in the mail. Grandma loves the excitement of my life and is attracted to the shooting and explosions. She is bored at home. I guess there haven't been any good viewings at the funeral home recently." My grandmother was more of a professional mourner. She attended viewings two or three times per week, whether she knew the deceased or not. She went for the cookies, she went for the gossip, and she went for the potential of seeing the deceased in an open casket. Since she didn't believe it was fair for her to get all dressed up to see a closed casket, she would often try to pry the lid open to take a little peek. This caused all sorts of upset at the funeral home, and she had been evicted from the funeral home many times. I think the funeral home directors would like to ban her from the home entirely, but because she was elderly they were afraid to take the chance that she would die during her period of suspension. The last thing that the funeral home directors would want to do was to upset potential customers. But while they couldn't ban her presence, they could deny her cookies. I personally thought banning her ability to eat the cookies would make more of an impact. If my grandmother had been banned in person, she would just dress in a disguise and go anyway.

"It has to be hard to be elderly and bored", said Lula. "I would hate being bored. I'm not a professional mourner like your grandmother, but I am interested in what is happening in other people's lives, and if I had to go to a funeral to find that out, I would likely do so. It has to suck getting old."

"I know", I said. "I have a lot of sympathy for my grandmother. I know she finds it hard. Her psyche is young but her body is old. She'll never be the sort of person who is content sitting at home and knitting clothing for the grandkids."

"I never had a grandmother that knew how to knit either", said Lula. "My grandmother could make a mean batch of pot brownies though."

"Your grandmother made pot brownies?"

"Yeah. It was the best afterschool snack ever. She didn't live much past when I was five though."

"You were eating pot brownies at five?"

"I always ate pot brownies. Apparently I was happier when I was eating them and easier to manage. That was the beginning of me becoming a big, beautiful woman. I ate a lot around my grandmother, and my grandmother practically raised me until she died. Then I went back to living with my mother."

"Did you miss your grandmother?" said Connie.

Lula smiled sadly. "Hell, yeah. She was the best thing that happened to me. She cared about me, unlike my mother, and she always gave me a place to go. She listened to me and gave me hugs when I was upset. I still miss her, and she's been gone for twenty-five years."

"You would have been a cute kid."

"I practically lived with my grandma from the age of two to the age of five. My grandmother didn't even know about me until I was two. My mother brought me home to see my grandmother, and apparently my grandmother was shocked. She took over my care, and my mother would come home periodically to see me whenever she remembered that she had a child. She was home with me when my grandmother died, and that's why I was never taken in by the authorities."

"Do you wish you were? After all, it might have been better if you had been in foster care", I said.

"It probably would have been better. However, my mother always made sure I had a roof over my head. There often wasn't money for food, but there was always a roof over our heads. My mother needed to have a place where she could bring men back to raise money. I became adept at working the food bank lines, and knowing what restaurants threw out the best food. I bought clothes at thrift shops. It was a difficult childhood, I think, but I survived." She shrugged. "It was a natural shift for me to become a 'ho. It was the fastest way that I could earn money so that I could pay for things like food. I'd had my share of dumpster diving to support myself, and I didn't want to do that no more. But now I have a real job and although paying taxes isn't fun, I'm still proud to have a job where I pay taxes. I have a Social Security number. I have an apartment in a good area of town. I have my Firebird. My grandmother would be proud of me."

"I'm sure your mother would be proud of you as well", said Connie.

"It would be lucky if my mother even remembered that she had a daughter", said Lula. "There were times when I was living with her that she would come out of her room with her john and ask me who I was."

Suddenly, having a grandmother who shot my hamster didn't seem so bad. At least my grandmother knew who I was.

Lula looked down at her plate. "Did you say there was chocolate cake for dessert?"

"Homemade. It's not even from a box", I said. "Ella made it this morning for us."

"In that case", said Lula with a smile, "I don't think I'll have sixths of anything. I may be a big, beautiful woman but I don't want to get fat."

"I brought a couple of files for people who skipped court yesterday", said Connie. "Vinnie had been so happy that everyone was showing up to court, and then we had a couple bounce yesterday."

"Is Vinnie having a coronary again?"

Connie laughed. "Yeah, he is. He gets so excited over outstanding bonds. The people that have skipped don't seem like very bright lights. One was a person who literally stole a house. The house was being moved from one location to another, and when the truck pulling the house was left unattended a kid got in the truck and took it for a joyride. It was easy for the police to find him. When they set up a chase, the kid drove through an underpass and the house got stuck. The police caught the kid shortly afterwards. It's a low bond."

"Why's that a low bond?" said Lula. "A house is valuable. I would think that stealing a whole house should be worth a high bond."

"Yeah, but the chances of it happening again are slight", said Connie.

I took the empty plates and dirty cutlery off the table and put away the leftover food. Then I carried over some bread and butter plates, a knife, a lifter, a spoon, and the black forest cake that Ella had made for us. I sighed in happiness. I loved chocolate cake and I loved cherries, and together they were awesome. Even better, it had whipped cream on it. It was healthy. Cherries were, after all, a fruit, and the whipped cream was a dairy product. I would argue, actually, that black forest cake was a health food.

"Oh, yeah, baby", said Lula. "That looks like pure happy food."

"Better than the Tasty Pastry", I said. I cut into the cake into quarters and distributed pieces onto three plates. It was lucky that the cake was small. Knowing Ella, she had made two cakes – one for us and one for her and her husband. Luis liked cake just as much as I did, and Ella frequently made a cake and split it in two so that I had some. Of course, even if the cake had been large I might have cut it into quarters as well. Ella's cake would be worth the resulting stomach ache.

"Do you eat like this normally?" asked Lula as I handed her a piece of cake.

"Ranger stocks a break room 24/7 for his staff that people are allowed to go and get food from. Meals are stocked for two-hour windows at meal times, and snacks are available at all other times. Ella makes us breakfast and brings it up to us. We eat lunch in the break room, and we usually eat dinner in the apartment. Often our dinner is the same thing that the Rangeman staff is eating, but at times Ella has been known to cook special things just for us as well. Like our lunch today, Ella's food is awesome."

"So is Ella like a chef then?" said Connie.

"She's like a mother. She cleans Ranger's apartment and does our laundry, and she cooks for the entire staff. She's a really nice person, and she works hard for a living. She only had one child, and he was in the army. He died overseas, and Ella has adopted the Rangeman staff as her substitute children. She has a lot of love to give. She calls the staff her 'boys'. I will periodically join her for a cup of tea and a chat while she is cooking dinner for everybody."

"How does she get all the food cooked at the same time?" asked Lula.

"She has two ovens, and she's very coordinated as to what needs to be done and when it needs to be done. She has two refrigerators and two freezers, and she has groceries delivered every day. She also buys some things already prepared. For example, she buys broccoli florets rather than straight broccoli, baby tomatoes rather than full tomatoes, and baby carrots rather than full carrots, and she tries to buy things that are already washed. She takes as many shortcuts as she can while still maintaining food quality."

"She must have a large kitchen."

"Yes, she does. Her apartment is under Ranger's, and her kitchen is where Ranger's kitchen and dining room are. Her dining room and living room are where Ranger's living room is, and her master suite is actually a master suite and a guest bedroom. The footprint is the same but the configuration is slightly different."

"What are the efficiency apartments like?"

"There are ten to a floor. They are small, and are one-room studios with private bathrooms and queen-sized beds. They are nice. The first time I stayed here Ranger tried to evict me into one of his efficiency apartments."

"What happened?"

"I liked Ranger's apartment better."


	10. Chapter 10

Ranger came into the apartment soaking wet, and I could tell by looking at him that he wasn't happy. "What's wrong?" I said after he said hello to Connie and Lula.

"Dickie", said Ranger. He turned around and went into the bedroom and shut the door.

Connie and Lula looked at me, and Lula made little sweeping motions with her fingers to tell me to skedaddle into the bedroom to find out what was wrong. Personally, I thought the word 'Dickie' pretty well summed up the reason for a bad mood, but since I thought I should support Ranger in his frustration, I left Lula and Connie eyeing the last quarter of cake and walked into the bedroom. The shower was running when I got in, and I walked into the bathroom. "Can you grab me some dry clothes, babe?" said Ranger as he warmed up. I left the bathroom for the closet and picked a dry long-sleeved t-shirt and another pair of fatigues, and paired it with a fleece sweater, and some boxers and socks. In each case, the clothes I picked were all black. It was always easy to pick clothes for Ranger since his entire wardrobe was black. I was never sure if it was because Ranger particularly liked the color, it didn't show bloodstains, or it was more efficient as it eliminated the need to color coordinate in the morning. Whatever the reason, Ella said it made doing laundry easy.

By the time I returned to the bathroom with dry clothes, Ranger was stepping out of the shower and drying off. "You looked cold", I said.

"It's sleeting out", he said, "and Dickie disappeared. We were walking the neighborhood for the last three hours."

"Did you finally find him?"

"Yeah."

"Too bad. Where was he?"

"He was up a tree in someone's backyard and a dog was taking offence to the fact that Dickie was in his yard. He was snarling at the base of the tree and threatening to chomp off Dickie's leg. Dickie was terrified and crying. It was a sad day for men everywhere."

"Why was he out in the sleet?"

"Apparently Hector scared him too much, and he decided that the bookie was less scary than his protection detail. I brought him back to your apartment and now have Ramon looking after him. Hector apologized to me several times, but I told him that he was doing a good job. He had Dickie scared, and that's what we wanted. The best scenario would be for Dickie to decide to no longer use our services and, because we had asked for a fifty-thousand dollar retainer, for him to do so quickly. But in the meantime, I played my role as the person offering protective services to him. I rescued him from the dog and helped him out of the tree, took him back to your apartment, and stayed with him until Ramon showed up."

"So Hector just scared him? It's hard to believe that Hector was so scary that Dickie tried to leave."

"That's what I thought, so I talked to him for a while to find out more about the bookie. He is concerned about staying at your place – not because it is your place but because the bookie left him a message that said that, if he didn't pay him the money that he owes him, the bookie would contact you since you are his ex. It scared the hell out of Dickie. Not that you are in danger but because Dickie's afraid they'll show up at your apartment."

"So are you planning on moving him to another safe house?"

"I can't. We have another one in use, and our third is currently being redecorated. Your place is still the best place for Dickie to use."

"What do you think about the bookie?"

"I got the details for the bookie from Dickie, and I'm planning on sending Hector out to the bookie to scare the crap out of him. Perhaps we'll be able to figure out a solution to this mess."

"The best solution to protect him from the bookie's wrath is to allow him to be arrested by the FBI."

"True. That will ultimately be what happens as well, but that's the end game. How we play it to get there will just give us a little bit of fun. I can't believe that Dickie was so stupid as to run away from his protection detail."

"So Ramon is protecting him now?"

"Yes, and I read the riot act to Dickie. I told him that, if he has a problem, to talk to me about it before he puts himself into more danger by putting himself out there and potentially causing a problem. I pointed out to him that, if the bookie knows about you, the chances of your apartment being monitored by the bookie is high, and I told him that, if they were monitoring the building, he would have played directly into their hands with his little hissy fit. He didn't like what I had to say much."

"I imagine he wouldn't. He has never liked being told that he was wrong or that he fucked up."

"Most people don't."

"Yes, but most people don't scream and shout and stomp around about it afterwards."

"True."

"Do you want lunch? Lula stopped at six helpings, so there is a little left."

Ranger smiled. "Is Lula asking for a tour of the offices?"

"Not yet, although she did ask Hal for a tour of the efficiency apartments."

"Okay. I can handle that. Sure, I'll eat lunch with you."

"I have to warn you, I don't think there is any black forest cake left."

Ranger smiled. "That's okay", he said. "I think I can live without it."

"There is an assortment of salads and things to make sandwiches with. Do you want me to heat up some chicken broth for you to drink, or would you prefer coffee?"

"Both. I'd like some chicken broth with my lunch and coffee afterwards. I'm still chilled."

I followed Ranger into the kitchen as he raided the refrigerator. I pulled a container of chicken broth out of the freezer and heated it in the microwave before decanting it into a cup. I handed it to him about the same time as he finished making himself a sandwich and portioning out some salads for his lunch. I put on a pot of coffee and returned to the table. Ranger joined me at the table as I looked at my plate. The rest of my black forest cake was gone. I looked at the cake platter. The remaining quarter was gone. "Where did my black forest cake go?" I said. I looked at Lula with squinty eyes.

She looked at me with guilt in her face. "Can you blame me? That cake was seriously good."

I huffed out a laugh. I could hardly blame Lula. It had been very good, and I knew something that Lula and Connie didn't know – there was leftover banana cake from the lunch with my mom and grandmother. I wasn't going to tell Lula that, but I would have some after dinner when we were sitting in front of the television. After all, the black forest cake had been amazing. It had real whipped cream on the cake and loads of cherries between the layers. But the banana cake was even better. It had cream cheese frosting that was to die for. Judging by Ranger's frustration with Dickie, I suspected that we would be doing an especially long training session that afternoon, and with doing a longer training session I would be able to justify a second piece of cake later today. Besides, banana cake had bananas in it and that was a fruit, and everybody knew that fruits and vegetables were important components of your diet, and the cream cheese frosting had cheese in it, didn't it? See? Healthy.

Ranger spent the next hour visiting with Connie and Lula before Connie said that they had to return to the bonds office. She gave me the two files to research, the house mover file and the other as yet unexplained file, and picked up her keys. "It's been fun", said Connie.

"Yeah", said Lula. She turned to Ranger. "Thanks for inviting us. You'll be glad to know that Steph didn't let us look in your underwear drawer, and she didn't let me have a nap in your bed or Connie have a shower. We wanted to, but Steph said no. I haven't once asked for a tour of your offices, even though I am curious, and I only once asked for a tour of the efficiency apartments, and I didn't complain too much when I had to leave my gun at the reception desk. I was good."

Ranger smiled. "Thank you", he said.

"However, if you want to let us sleep in your bed or take a shower or give us a tour, we wouldn't complain."

Ranger laughed. "Not on your life."

Lula looked disappointed. "I had to try. But hey, at least we didn't shoot Rex."

"Things are looking up."

We all left the apartment and got in the elevator. As it descended levels, Lula turned to Ranger. "Do you know what this elevator needs?" She paused. "Music. All elevators need music to keep people happy."

Ranger smiled. "That's what Grandma said as well."


	11. Chapter 11

I looked at the files as I settled in my office. There was the house mover one that Connie had told me about. As I punched his name into the database and started to pull together his information, I looked at the other one. A bank in downtown Trenton had been robbed. When the robber had asked for the money, she was told that she couldn't take out that much money without some identification. The robber handed over her driver's license.

So apparently they both had leaks in their think tanks. I thought they would be suitable for Lula and me to do. After all, how difficult would it be to capture two people who made such colossal mistakes?

I finished printing their files, made capture plans, and affixed them to the inside of their folders when Ranger came into my office. He placed a large file on my desk. "This is a large account", he said. "There are just over two hundred employees to research as we get the corporate account set up. Do you have time to do the work?"

"I do. I only have two files for Vinnie to research, but in both cases the felons are as bright as Alaska in December. I'll start working on your files after dinner."

"I have to work this evening as well, to make up the time after being out of the office today for so long looking for Dickie."

"Is he sitting nice and tight with Ramon?"

"He is. I purposely picked Ramon because he was the most mild-mannered person we have on staff. I told Dickie that he wouldn't have a person answering the door who could scare the pants off the visitor but, if he was comfortable not being as protected as he would with Hector, Ramon could look after him. I stressed that Ramon was more than capable of doing the job and that Dickie should listen to him, but that it wouldn't be as good for him to have Ramon there since he didn't look as scary."

"Idiot. There's another person who is a few Fruit Loops short of a bowl. Did you want to do a workout?"

Ranger paused. "I think that's the first time you have ever asked me whether I would like to do a workout."

"I figured that, after the day you've had, you might need one."

Ranger smiled. "That's true, and any time I can become all hot and sweaty with you is sure to improve my mood."

I smiled. As much as I didn't want to admit it, it was sure to improve my mood as well.


	12. Chapter 12

I burrowed into Ranger's body as I heard his watch alarm go off the next morning. Ranger woke up instantly. Me, not so much. It had been a late night doing research and I was still tired. At least, I was blaming the late night rather than my general sleepiness.

Ranger laughed quietly as he extricated himself from my Vulcan grip, and he smoothed my hair away from my face. I think he might have even kissed me on the forehead. I'm not sure. I was falling asleep again for that, so I might have been remembering it wrong.

Three hours later, Ranger woke me again. I think I growled at him, and he laughed. "Babe, I let you sleep as long as I could", he said. "As it is, I've been doing work up here in my office. However, I need to get you up. It's eight-thirty."

"It's eight-thirty?" I sat up, and Ranger pressed a cup of coffee into my hands. I pried my eyes open as Ranger brushed my hair back from my face and tucked it behind my ears. "What time did you get up?"

"My regular time. Five-thirty."

"You would have only gotten five hours of sleep. We worked quite late last night."

"That's true, but I don't know about you. It was worth it for me. I got a lot of work done."

"I did as well." I drank my cup of coffee, hoping that the caffeine would kick start my brain. About half way through the cup the caffeine hadn't yet worked but my bladder was making itself known. I got up and used the facilities, brushed my teeth and, after Ranger called out that breakfast would be in fifteen minutes, I jumped in the shower. I washed quickly and took the time to shave. I wanted to have the option of having sex with him that night. While Ranger had once told me that stubbly legs weren't a turn-off for him, they were a turn-off for me. I had found in the past that there was an inverse relationship between my enjoyment of sex and the length of hair on my legs. The longer the hair, the less I enjoyed sex. Of course, Ranger always made sure that I enjoyed sex, but why make things more difficult for him?

When my legs were smooth and I freshly smelled of Bulgari Green, I stepped out of the shower and dried off. Ranger called through that breakfast was ready, and I thought that was one of the differences between staying overnight and living together. When you lived together, you weren't greeted with a warm towel and someone to dry you off like you were when you were simply visiting. If I had been visiting, Ranger would have at least come into the bathroom while I was showering. More likely, he would have come into the shower and made use of the double width of the enclosure with me. I wasn't sure if I liked the change.

I dried off and dressed in Ranger's housecoat just as Ella came in and dropped off a tray of food. I walked into the kitchen and smelled French toast. Ranger had passed out the plates and the pot of fruit spread that Ella had made. He had already poured me another cup of coffee and placed it in my seat. "Do you feel more awake now?" he said.

"Yes, thanks. You didn't have to let me sleep so long."

"I knew you had a busy day today, and I thought you'd be able to use the sleep."

"I'm researching this morning, and going skip chasing this afternoon."

"Who are you chasing?" I told him about the house mover and the bank robber, and Ranger smiled. "You never fail to brighten my day", he said.

"Is your day not going well?"

"Dickie is driving me nuts. He is getting upset that Jose wants to watch television when he is on shift. He said that the sound of the television interferes with his sleep, so Jose offered to sleep in bed with him, but Dickie liked that idea even less. Jose told him it would be more satisfying to him than late night television anyway. That apparently bothered Dickie even more, go figure. I had to talk Dickie down this morning. I told him that I have put my best men on his protection detail, and he has complained about every single one. I asked him what was most important to him – to be personally comfortable or to be adequately protected."

"What did he say?"

"He said he wanted both. He said that he couldn't imagine Rangeman having someone on staff who wasn't good at guarding people, and he wanted a change in babysitters. He said he liked Ramon."

"I'm glad he liked Ramon. What are you planning on doing about Jose?"

"I'll move him onto another assignment. He's probably had enough of tormenting Dickie anyway. Hector said that he had never met a whinier person, and he can't imagine why you married him."

"That seems to be the general consensus of anyone I know who has met him. He does have his good points. They are just buried deep, deep down."

Ranger laughed. "Babe, they are very, very deep down."

I smiled.

Ranger pulled me onto his lap for a deep kiss, and he loosened off the sash on my robe to snake his hand underneath to reach my bare skin. He smoothed my skin from hip to breast, and grazed all the good parts with his thumb. Just when I was ready to self-combust, he gave me another quick kiss and sat back and pulled out his hand.

I sat back, dazed, still in the zone, not sure why we were stopping. "I have to go to work, babe", he said. He pushed me lightly onto my feet and stood beside me. As he walked away, I said "bastard" after him. I could hear Ranger chuckle.

"I have a meeting in five minutes", he said as he came through after brushing his teeth. "As much as I would like to stay and explore our mutual enjoyment, I think I should go to work."

"Just as long as you aren't leaving because you are getting tired of me."

Ranger gave me a deep kiss. "Me? Get tired of you? Never." As I was settling into a deep kiss and Ranger sucked my tongue gently, and as I started to moan, Ranger's watch buzzed and he broke away again. "Later", he said. I wasn't sure if he meant later, as in he'd see me later, or later, as in we'd continue our encounter later. Either way was good for me.

After Ranger left for the day, I dressed and put on my makeup. BB cream, lip gloss and two coats of mascara. I had found that the more coats of mascara I put on, the more confidence I had. Today was a two-coat day. I didn't have anything to do that would require more coats. The skips should be easy. The research should be easier. But I knew that no matter how easy I thought the day might be, it paid to be prepared by wearing a minimum of two coats. It was like Murphy's Law. If you were prepared, nothing would happen. But if you weren't prepared? All hell would break loose and you'd be caught with your pants down.

When I finished getting ready, I strapped on my gun and left the apartment for my office. I booted up the computer and walked down to the break room for a bottle of juice and a cup of coffee. Being nicely stuffed with French toast, I didn't think that I needed any additional food for a mid-morning snack. However, I took an apple anyway. They were, apparently, a popular choice. There were only two left. I guessed that other people had heard the theory that they were more effective than coffee as well.

I spent the morning researching employees for Bordin, the manufacturer who made computer whatsits for various computer companies that Ranger had dropped on my desk the afternoon before. By the time it was lunchtime, I had completed research on twenty of their employees. It would be a long few days.

I popped my head into Ranger's office. "Do you have time to eat together before I head to the bonds office for the afternoon?"

Ranger put his computer to sleep and came around his desk. His eyes dilated to black in arousal as he gave me a deep kiss and said, "let's get our lunches to go. We could take them back upstairs to the apartment and follow up on what we started after breakfast."

"I don't know if I'm in the mood now."

"Oh, yeah?" He gave me another deep kiss and massaged my top lip with his tongue. He bit it and soothed away the sting with another kiss, and as his hand ran up and down my side from hip to breast and back again, I changed my mind.

"Let's pick our lunch quickly", I said.

Ranger smiled.

I hurried faster than I had ever hurried before in my food selection. Gone was my typical habit of seriously considering each lunch option until I was happy with my choices. Instead, I grabbed food willy-nilly, my only consideration being that I picked something that didn't have to remain hot to eat. I fully intended on filling my belly _after_ I satisfied my sexual appetite.

After choosing our food, I tugged Ranger's hand and pulled him to the elevators. As we got on, Ranger looked at me with a grin. "A little eager?" he said.

"Eager! First I was too tired last night to make love, and then this morning you left me hanging. I'm absolutely bursting."

Ranger laughed. "So am I, actually", he said. "If I hadn't had that meeting this morning, I would have taken you on the dining room table."

Oh, boy.

Ranger unlocked the door and walked into the apartment. He took off his gun belt and put it on the breakfast bar, and I put mine beside his.

"Lunch first?" I said with a smile.

"Babe, I'm ready to eat, but food isn't what I'm interested in right now."

I smiled. I could hardly wait.


	13. Chapter 13

I was particularly relaxed after lunch, and I was in a good mood when I arrived at the bonds office. As I floated in, Lula looked at me. "I recognize that smile", she said. "That's the smile of the satiated. We're going to have a good day today." Lula had a theory that I was cranky whenever I didn't get some the night before and, after seeing my track record, she might be right. She refused to go out skip chasing with me if I hadn't had some for a few nights running, and when I was between Morelli and Ranger and was confused as to what I was doing with my life, she had almost hired a male prostitute to fill in the gap. Luckily Ranger stepped up before it got to that, but it came close. "Did you have a good night? Of course, with that big bed in Ranger's apartment, how could you have anything other than a good night?"

I laughed. It was big, but Ranger and I had used every inch of it over the lunch period.

"Did you eat?" I said.

"Yeah. I had a Clucky combo", said Lula.

"Just one?" I said. "No extra fries or extra gravy or extra coleslaw?"

"No. I was out with a honey last night, and he told me that he liked seeing a woman with an appetite. He just didn't like seeing a woman with as large an appetite as I had. I don't know what he was complaining about. We had gone to that barbeque place out near the Barrens, the one that has the bigger portions, and I only ordered two pulled pork sandwiches, a tub of coleslaw and a tub of potato salad. Because the portions were so large, I only had to order two sandwiches. I told him that I liked seeing a man with an appetite and that was a good indication to me that the man would be able to keep up to me in bed, but that he didn't have much of an appetite and I was real disappointed. I don't think I will ever spend time with him again."

"So if you aren't spending time with him again, why are you limiting your lunch?"

"It just got me thinking that it might be better if I didn't eat so much. I know I have to eat in order to maintain my big, beautiful body, but maybe men don't like it. So I thought that I need to shrink my stomach. I just never realized how hard it is to shrink your stomach. There are all sorts of foods that you have to avoid if you want to shrink your stomach. For instance, vegetables. They are bulky and take up a lot of room, and they make you stomach expand, and they make you fart. Have you ever spent time with a vegetarian? They fart a lot, and that's real off-putting when you are having sexy times with your honey. I want to eat dense foods, heavy foods that make you feel full but don't take a lot of volume. So I'm staying away from the sides and having just the breads and the meats. I figure that I'll lose weight this way. As long as I don't lose too much weight, it should be good, shouldn't it?"

"If you lose too much weight, your clothes won't fit."

"If I gain too much more, they won't fit either. I think my clothes are all shrinking. They don't seem to be fitting properly any more. I tried on a pair of non-stretch pants the other day, and the button didn't do up. They fit me a year ago."

"Maybe that was a result of eating too much meat and grains, and not enough fruits and vegetables."

"I told you. Vegetables give you the farts. Besides, they aren't very tasty. Unless you put a pile of butter on them, they are boring to eat. Fruit tastes better than vegetables, especially if you put whipped cream on it. Of course, whipped cream is a dairy product, so that just adds to the overall healthiness." I didn't want to tell her that her theory was wrong. She wouldn't believe me anyway.

She shut down her game of Solitaire and picked up her purse. "Who are we getting first today?"

"I figured we'd go after the bank robber, Darla Drager, first and the house mover, Declan Willis, second", I said. "The house mover is still in school, and I don't want to take him in front of all his friends." Lula nodded. She knew my stance on capturing teens in front of their peers. I believed that it was counterproductive. By your actions, you either impressed their friends with the felon's capture which would encourage the teen to do it again, or you'll ostracize the felon with the knowledge that they had done something wrong. The resulting isolation would cause the felon to become friends with other people that accepted his criminal past. Since most of the people that would accept their criminal past were other felons, neither outcome was preferable.

"Where's Connie?" I said as Lula told Vinnie we were leaving for the afternoon.

"She's out bonding Marissa Wilton. She was picked up for solicitation last night."

"Do you ever miss being a 'ho?"

"No. The work is pretty boring, and it's tough on the knees. Having said that, filing is pretty boring as well and putting all those files away is also tough on the knees. I'm glad that Vinnie is switching to a computer-based system. Connie doesn't have to create the files the same. We just store them on the hard drive. It makes it easier. Vinnie was talking to someone who works for another bonds office, and the other bonds office said that their system was all set up so that they didn't have to create paper files. He said it cut down on storage costs, and that it was easier for the bounty hunter. They were able to take a tablet with them with the file downloaded on it, and they were able to access their file en route like that. Wouldn't that be something? Vinnie said that he'd think about it."

"I'd just be happy if I could access it on my phone. If I had a tablet, I'd be afraid that it would be stolen when my car is stolen."

"I don't know. Your car hasn't been stolen in some time."

"That's true. Miguel sent me an email asking me to have my car stolen or incapacitated today. Apparently this is the day that he selected." Due to the number of times that my car has been stolen, Rangeman had a pool going. The winner who identified the day and time closest to when I reported my car theft won quite a bit of money and the right to steal my car back. This meant that teammates would approach me and ask me to go onto Stark Street on a particular day, knowing that no matter what I did my car would likely be stolen. I'm not sure if the draw of the pool was the ability to win money or the ability to steal my car back. Either benefit seemed to make the staff member very happy. I also didn't know if I should be pleased that I was a source of entertainment to the Rangeman staff, but because it was all done in good fun I didn't truly mind. Besides, when my car was stolen back, the person winning the pool would also wash my car – often to remove the traces of blood and skin that occurred when the Rangeman staff bounced the thief off the bumper. Due to the frequency that my car was stolen, it ensured that I constantly had a clean car.

Rangeman had a similar pool going for car incapacitations. For this, my car had to be shot out, exploded, firebombed or otherwise impaired to the point that I could not drive it. Tires being knifed didn't count, nor did a window being shot out. Even so, I've made several people happy – and richer – over the last few months.

The bonds office and the police department have similar pools. It wouldn't be so bad if it was like a fifty/fifty draw and half the money raised went to me to put towards the purchase of a new car. It didn't seem really fair that all the money went to the winner. However, I once received a two-for-one coupon for Cluck-in-a-Bucket as a thank you for exploding my car when I did, and one of the officers another time bought me a Hot Wheels car as a thank you. Since the car had been black, I had given it to Ranger. He kept it on his desk in his home office.

If my car was incapacitated today, Miguel would be the winner. However, if my car was incapacitated the next day, Tank would be the winner. I didn't like to think further than two days in advance. Lula wanted my car to be stolen and/or incapacitated today. Lula knew Tank well. They had been engaged at one time, a situation that had been engineered by Lula, but the relationship broke up when Tank adopted three stray kittens and discovered that Lula was allergic to cats. Lula made the ultimatum that it was her or the cats, and Tank chose the cats. Lula had been furious. While she had stopped talking about it now, she still was cranky about the situation and had the mad instinct to stun Tank to make him wet his pants, then take a picture of him, every time she saw him. While Tank was the honey that Lula was unable to forget, I think Tank was relieved to have the engagement break up and had been happy with looking after his cats ever since.

We locked up the bonds office and walked out to my car. Two men were leaning against it. "Excuse me", I said. "That's my car."

"Are you Stephanie Plum?" said one of the men. He was the shorter out of the two, a little smaller than me and quite a bit more rotund. He had a comb-over and dark bags under his eyes. He reminded me of someone and I couldn't put it together. I knew it would bother me until I had figured it out.

"I am", I said. "May I help you?"

"Dickie owes us money", said the tall one as he pulled out a gun. He was larger than me but not as big as Ranger. He had red curly hair and pale skin, and he reminded me of Ronald McDonald. I checked to see if his feet were as big. They weren't, and I breathed a sigh of relief. It was bad enough to be approached by anyone, but to be threatened with a gun by Ronald McDonald was just disappointing. I might have had to boycott the restaurant if Ronald McDonald was the culprit, which would be a shame. A Quarter Pounder with Cheese was one of my favorite sandwiches.

"That asshole? He owes me money as well. How much does he owe you?"

"Eight hundred thousand."

"That's a lot of money. Why did you lend that kind of money to him? He doesn't have that kind of money, does he? If he does, he needs to pay me. He owes me about forty thousand. What does he owe you money for?"

"That's between Dickie and my employer. However, he needs to pay up and, if he can't, you need to pay up on his behalf."

"Pay up? I'm barely keeping myself afloat. How can I pay anything, let alone eight hundred thousand? May I remind you of the money Dickie owes me?"

"I don't know. You'll have to figure it out though. If you don't, we'll come after you. You can tell Dickie that as well."

"Where is Dickie? I haven't seen him in years, thankfully, and the last two times I saw him I tried to kill him. There is no love lost between the two of us."

"Just get the money, or your life will be in danger."

I shook my head. "I can't get the money", I said. Ronald McDonald aimed his gun at my car and shot a clip into it.

"You have got to be friggin' kidding me", I said. "Don't I have enough to deal with in my life?"

They turned back to me. "The next time we see you, it will be you that gets the bullet holes", said Ronald McDonald.

The men suddenly stood up straighter and started to back away from us, and I looked behind me in confusion. Lula had her gun out and was looking fierce. I started to back away as well. I knew that look. The last time I saw that look she shot out Ranger's side mirror and hit me in the arm.

The men made it to their car, hurriedly got in and peeled out of the lot. Lula shot her gun at them. Her aim went wide, however, and hit Vinnie's car.

"Oh, oh", said Lula. "This here gun must have wonky sights." She looked at the gun in confusion.

I sighed. "See? This is why I couldn't have a tablet. Knowing my luck, the bullets would hit the tablet and Vinnie would make me pay for the replacement." I pulled out my phone and called the control room. "Hey, Hal", I said as he answered. "I have a little bit of a problem."

"Stolen or incapacitated?"

"Please tell Tank that I'm sorry. Some men came and put a clip into my car. It has a number of bullet holes and is leaking fluids everywhere. In the excitement, Lula shot at the retreating car and hit Vinnie's."

Hal let out a snort. "I'll have some patrol guys bring a car over to you. Do you want to call it in to the police? Vinnie will need the report for his car."

"Yeah, I'll call it in. Thanks."

I could hear Hal smile. "Miguel will be happy. Because you haven't had a car emergency for a while, it has been some time since anyone has won. That means that the pool is just over five hundred dollars."

"How much does it cost to partake in the pool?"

"Ten dollars a guess."

"Wow! At the bonds office, the winner gets a free box of doughnuts."

Hal laughed. "Is that why Lula is gaining weight?"

I chuckled. "I won't mention that."

Hal laughed. "Yeah, she might actually hit you the next time. She has to get lucky once and hit what she had been aiming for, shouldn't she? After all, using the law of averages, she should be lucky soon."

"Something for me to look forward to", I said. "I should probably call it in, shouldn't I?"

I could hear Hal smiling. "I'll let everyone know who won, and will start taking bets as to your next incapacitation."

"Thanks, I think." Hal laughed.

I hung up the phone and called the precinct.

Morelli was the first to arrive. No matter whether we were going out together or not, dispatch called Morelli as soon as I called in or the bonds office called in or Rangeman called in and, if they missed phoning him, Morelli would receive a call from half a dozen residents listening to the police scanner. I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks, and he jogged over to me and gave me a kiss and a hug. He looked over at my car. "Not your best one", he said. "Although it would be hard to top the time you compacted Ranger's Porsche." A garbage truck had fallen on it.

"I thought it was the time that my car, Connie's car, Vinnie's car and Lula's car exploded." My car had been shot out that time as well, but a passing youth had tossed a lit cigarette into the puddle of gas and my car exploded, and set off a chain reaction until all the cars in the parking lot were an inferno.

Morelli smiled as the fire department arrived and started to put down an absorbent for the gasoline and oil leaking from my car. I looked at Lula. "You'd better go tell Vinnie about his car", I said.

"Uh-uh. I'm not telling him", said Lula.

"You shot it, you tell him."

"He'll be angry."

"So you'd rather have him angry at me? That's not fair. You shot his car, therefore you are the person responsible for telling him about it."

Lula's lip stuck out in a pout, but I glared at her until she turned around and entered the bonds office. As she left, Morelli said, "I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks. Do you want to do lunch sometime?"

I smiled. "That would be good. Pino's, tomorrow at noon?"

Morelli smiled. "It's a date." He turned back to the watching the fire department. They were cleaning up and were almost finished. Compared to my normal car emergencies, this one was anticlimactic. "I guess you're driving a Rangeman car now", he said.

"Yes."

"Did you ever find out where they came from?"

I smiled. "The fleet cars are leased at a cut rate in exchange for security services at the local Ford dealership. That's why his fleet is all Fords. Ranger's personal vehicles are in exchange for security services for the Porsche and the Toyota dealerships."

"I always wondered. For a long time, I thought they had been stolen."

"Ranger likes to perpetuate the story as well, so he won't say willingly where the vehicles come from. It's a secret."

Morelli smiled. "I used to think that Ranger's outfit was a little sketchy. But I'm increasingly thinking that he's more honest than I realized."

"I think he will do what it takes to get the job done. If he has to work outside the box, he will. But as much as he bends the rules, I don't think he actually breaks them."

Morelli nodded. "I can see that." He turned to look at the cars and put his hands on his hips. "Walk me through what happened."

I told him about the two men and described them. I told him what they had said, and I told him about Lula shooting Vinnie's car.

"She's a menace with a gun", he said as he shook his head.

"Yes, she is. I'm just glad that she didn't hit me this time."

"There is always something good in everything", said Joe. "How is Ranger's guest?"

"Whiny", I said. "He's already gone through two babysitters. Ranger thinks that he'll swap out babysitters every couple of days to spread out the pain. He said that no staff member should have to be penalized by making them put up with him for more than two days, otherwise they might be killing him themselves. Every day, Ranger has to deal with Dickie on a personal level. I know that Dickie is scared, but he phones Ranger at least four times a day to complain. Ranger is tired of him and says he'll recognize the babysitters' efforts at bonus time."

"Ranger offers a bonus?"

"Ranger's employees are treated well. They earn more than most police officers, have a benefit and a pension plan, and once a year they are entitled to a bonus. I am earning double what I earned in the bonds office in my job with Ranger."

"That's not hard."

I laughed.

"Maybe I'll join Ranger's team", said Morelli.

"You love your job on the TPD."

"True. I heard that you have moved in with Ranger."

"The gossip mill has struck again. Yes, I moved in with him on the weekend."

"Congratulations", he said. His voice sounded sad and his face looked dejected. "I guess marriage and babies are next on the agenda?"

"I don't want babies", I said, "and I don't think Ranger wants to get married again. That suits me fine. I don't want to get married again either. It's been my experience that a perfectly charming man becomes an asshole when you marry them."

"Dickie?"

I nodded and continued to watch the firefighters clean up.

There was a silence for a moment. "I wish you had told me about Dickie abusing you", said Morelli quietly.

I sighed. "There was no point. You couldn't do anything about it."

"And Ranger could?"

"No, but I didn't tell him right off either. He guessed someone had and I confirmed it. I didn't want him to mistakenly think it was you. I didn't know that he'd done anything with that information until a couple of days ago."

"He was furious on your behalf, as am I. I hope that, if anybody ever abuses you in the future again, you'll feel comfortable coming to me for help."

I tiptoed up and kissed him on his cheek. "Thanks, Joe."

I watched the firefighters as they packed up their gear for a moment and I tried to think what I could say to move our conversation past the serious bent that we were on. "If Lula tries to tell you that aliens shot Vinnie's car, don't believe her."

Morelli smiled in the way I hoped he would.


	14. Chapter 14

After Miguel and Samuel dropped off an Explorer for me and Miguel finished thanking me for the money he had won, Lula and I decided to head to the bank robber's residence. It was on a stretch of Stark Street that wasn't in the worst area, but it wasn't in the best either. There was a fifty percent chance that my car would be there after I went into the house to retrieve the skip. The Explorer was too nice for car thieves to ignore, yet not nice enough to be the car of a drug dealer and therefore strike terror in the hearts of the residents. Of course, despite my cars not being as nice as the Explorer, they had a habit of being stolen anyway. Go figure.

Lula and I got out of the car and suited up. I was already wearing my bulletproof vest on under my winter coat. Ranger had encouraged me to wear Kevlar but, after I complained one too many times about the fact that it squished down my girls, he bought me a custom made bulletproof vest. Unlike the Kevlar, the fabric was high-tech and light, and it allowed my skin to breathe. At the same time, he bought me a windbreaker made of the same material for the times that I didn't want to wear a vest.

Lula was also wearing her vest. Lula had been so envious of my bulletproof vest and utility belt that Ranger and I had bought one of each for Lula for her birthday. She had been turning thirty, and we wanted to get her something special. I think it was her favorite present that she had ever received. She was still thrilled to have an excuse to 'dress' accordingly for a takedown, and frequently wore her utility belt, even when she was sitting down. It had come in handy when we'd been facing down the bookie's thugs, as it meant that Lula's gun had been close at hand for threatening the thugs. Mine, however, had been in the trunk of the car. I'd had to retrieve it before I let the car go to the mechanic's.

I didn't know what I'd do about my car. Ranger would tell me to junk it and drive the Explorer, and that was one option. It just seemed wrong, however, to drive a Rangeman vehicle for non-Rangeman activities. It seemed a little like stealing, and it left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

"So, are you planning on replacing your car this weekend?" asked Lula as we locked the doors and walked to the apartment building. I had parked three buildings down the street. This would make me less noticeable if I had to come back. Besides, it was the only parking spot available.

"I don't know", I said. "I know Ranger would just tell me that I should continue to drive the Explorer. He said that he leases it for my use anyway, and it is better to be driven than it is to be sitting there."

"I can't believe that he leases an extra car in case you need it."

"Yes, although I have so many car emergencies that it might make sense to do so. I probably drive one of his cars for five months cumulatively throughout the year. Leasing a car for me is cheaper than renting a car for the amount of time that I would need it."

"That's true. You have a lot of car emergencies."

"Yes, and I have found that it doesn't make sense for me to drive Big Blue. I'm too noticeable in it." Although it wasn't good for stakeouts because of its inability to go incognito, Ranger had asked me – for the sake of my own safety – to make personal choices so that I blend in with the crowd a bit. This meant no dyeing my hair an outlandish colour, no wearing outlandish clothes…and no driving Big Blue. Being someone who typically chose things that fit the mainstream, I didn't find this particularly hard. Besides, when I was with Lula no one even noticed me. I blended into the background, and that was the way I liked it.

"That's true as well, although it is a good car to drive when we are picking up seniors", said Lula. "They all seem to come more willingly just to have that trip down memory lane."

"That's true. It's a good car for that." I remembered the last time I had driven the car. It was, according to the ninety-year old man I picked up, a man's wet dream. While I couldn't speak to whether it was or wasn't, I was just impressed that he still remembered what one felt like.

We walked down the street and into the apartment building where the robber lived. "I was thinking that we should use Big Blue to pick up Willy Fish when we take him out for lunch next week", said Lula.

"That's true. He'd probably get a kick out of it, wouldn't he?" Willy Fish was someone that we had met through our skip chasing. He had been arrested for running down the street in high heels and nothing else. He said having his wanger out made him feel more alive, and since he was a senior he thought he could use all the energy and excitement that he could get. After the first time that Lula and I had picked him up and, on the way to the station, had taken him through a drive-through for something to eat, he purposely skipped court again just so that Lula and I would pick him up. He was fascinated by Lula's stories from being a 'ho and he liked having a meal out with us rather than eating in the retirement home. So we told him that we would take him out for a meal once a month if he could stay out of the courts. He liked being able to have new stories to tell his friends at the retirement home. On our side, for the price of some gas and some time away from our jobs, Willy bought us lunch and was great company. We didn't want to see him with a record if there wasn't a need for it. Willy was grateful that he didn't have to pay the higher rate of obtaining the bond from Vinnie, and we were happy because we always had a good time with him. We didn't tell Vinnie of our lunch plans though. That wouldn't go over well.

Especially since Willy wasn't the only person we did this for. There were a number of seniors that we picked up that were just looking for a bit of excitement in their lives. Those seniors were a lot of fun to spend time with. They reminded me of my grandmother – full of life and interested in everything. They had a lot of great stories, and often were very lonely. Once Lula and I identified them as repeat offenders, we did what we could to keep them out of the justice system. They didn't need to be clogging up the courts and, if we could brighten their day, wasn't it all worth it?

I looked back at my car as we entered the apartment building. The car was there, but there were three youths inspecting it. I didn't have high hopes that the car would be there when we came out.

Lula looked back at the car as well. "Oh, oh", she said. "I hope that car has a tracker on it." I just looked at her and she grimaced. "I know. That's a silly statement. All Ranger's cars have trackers on them. Just judging by the number of times that you've been kidnapped, I'm surprised that he doesn't have a tracker on you."

I laughed, but I didn't tell Lula that he did have a tracker on me. It was in my watch, and I had found in the past that it was quite helpful. It gave Ranger some piece of mind as well, and that was a good thing. Ranger tended to get a little overprotective of me. Although he handled it well, he was a little more protective of me than I had patience for. That tracker in my watch, however, was Ranger's and my secret. Morelli knew – he had found out the last time that I had been kidnapped – and the control room knew. But besides the Rangeman team and Morelli, no one else knew. That also was for my own protection.

We climbed the stairs to the apartment. By the time we got to the top, Lula was huffing like a freight train. I, however, had been working hard with Ranger and was only slightly out of breath as a result. Pleased with my improvement in physical fitness, I walked down to the skip's apartment and knocked on the door. I heard a scurrying near the door as the occupant looked out the peephole, and then nothing. I waited, and then pounded on the door again. After several more poundings, the woman on the other side of the door said, "what do you want?"

"Bond enforcement", I said. "You missed your court date and we need to take you into the station to reschedule."

"I'm a little busy right now", she said.

"We can wait. Just let us in first", I said.

"No."

"We are authorized to break the door down if you don't let us in." Although that was true that we were allowed to do so, the execution of it was a little more problematic. I could only hope that Darla didn't know that.

"I don't believe you", she said.

I looked at Lula and she looked at me. "I'm wearing genuine knock-off Louboutins. If it wasn't for the two B's and the lack of O's in the name, you'd think that they were real."

I looked down at her shoes. "They do look real. Where did you get them?"

"Mooner had a new shipment in." Mooner was someone that I went to high school with. He funded his drug habit by selling items, mostly knock-offs and mostly stolen. If you ever wanted a fake watch or purse or pair of shoes, or anything at all, Mooner was the person to go to.

"I'll have to check him out." I turned to the door. "Darla, if you make Lula break down the door and potentially break the heel off her shoes, I'd hate to see what Lula will do to you."

"I could shoot the door", said Lula, "if asking nicely doesn't work. I just don't want to wreck my shoes."

"I understand", I said.

"You could always break the door down", said Lula.

I tried not to laugh. "Lula, you have those great linebacking skills to fall back on. You are able to take down a stuck pig at fifty paces. I, however, do not have great linebacking skills."

"What does that mean, to take down a stuck pig at fifty paces?"

"Hell if I know. I just thought it sounded good."

"Hunh."

"The point is that you are capable of breaking down the door. Me, not so much."

"I don't want to wreck my shoes."

"I don't want you to wreck your shoes either. That's why I think you should take a run at it and put your shoulder into it, and that way you don't wreck your shoes."

"I can see that", said Lula. "I really don't want to break my shoes."

I stood back and looked at the door. "If you don't open the door, we'll break it down and come in after you."

"You wouldn't dare", she said. "Those are genuine knock-off Louboutins after all."

"These are the nicest shoes that I have ever worn", said Lula.

"Go for it", I said as I stood back.

Lula walked back a few feet, put her shoulder down, and ran forward as fast as she could. As she got to the door, however, the door opened. Lula, unable to stop her momentum, rushed inside, through the hall and tripped over a table. She landed on the ground in a heap, her arms and legs splayed out everywhere. I was just glad that she was wearing leggings. If she'd been wearing a skirt, she'd be flashing her doodad at us, and I knew from experience that Lula in a thong was not a pretty sight. "Ow", she said.

"Did you break anything?" I said.

"No."

"Are your shoes okay?"

Lula inspected her shoes. "They're good."

Darla looked down at Lula and inspected her feet as well. "Those do look like genuine knock-off Louboutin shoes", she said. "I'd like to buy a pair of those."

"So would I", I said.

"Maybe you could take me on the way to jail", she said.

I looked at Lula and Lula smiled. "Road trip", she said.

"I still have to cuff you", I said to Darla. "But don't worry. You wouldn't be the first person that I have taken to Mooner's place in cuffs before."

"Yeah, and that's not including all the times that you've taken him in", said Lula.

We cuffed Darla, got her purse and locked up her apartment, and walked with her down to my car. Three youths were working on it. Apparently they were new to carjacking, because they had been working on breaching the doors to the car the whole time that we were upstairs. Not that the capture had taken overly long. It was getting up the stairs to the fourth floor that took all the time.

"Hey", I said. "Leave my car alone."

"Or what are you planning on doing, bitch?" said one of the youths.

I pulled out my gun. "I'll shoot you, starting with your toes and working my way up your body until I shoot you in the head. Of course, I'm not a very good shot and might hit you in the balls with my first shot…Just saying."

The youth also pulled out a gun and, as he said, "this is what I think of that, bitch", he turned to my car and shot it full of holes. Homies from all directions poured out of their homes and came to admire the new bullet holes in the Explorer. "You have got to be friggin' kidding me!" I said over their hooting and hollering as I looked at my car. Fluids were leaking from at least eight holes, and a puddle was forming in the slush under the car.

"Forty minutes. I think that's a new record for you", said Lula.

I groaned.

"What about the sale?" said Darla. "If you don't have a car, how will we get to the sale?"

"We'll just have to wait a few minutes", said Lula, "for a new car to be dropped off. Stephanie knows the car fairy and can rustle one up quickly."

I took out my phone, sighed, and dialed the control room. "Hi, Hal?" I said. "I have a little problem with the car."

Hal let out a bark of laughter. "Stolen or incapacitated?"

"An attempted steal that turned into an incapacitated."

"Does it need towed to the mechanic's?"

"Yes", I said. The homies were standing around laughing about the condition of my car and giving the shooter high fives. As I watched them, one of the youths took out a cigarette and lit it. "NO!" I said. I'd had experience with cigarettes and cars leaking gasoline before.

"No?" said Hal.

The youth dropped his cigarette on the ground in a puddle of gas, and the flash fire soon caught the car on fire. Lula and Darla and I moved back. Lula and I had experience with cars catching fire as well. We knew that, when the fire made its way to the gas tank, the cars had a tendency to explode.

"Nope, I changed my mind", I said. The fire got to the gas tank and a loud boom was heard.

"Steph?" said Hal.

"I think it's time to take this car to the wreckers", I said.


	15. Chapter 15

The firefighters were first on the scene, followed by Ranger. He parked down the street and jogged up to the blast site. He gave me a hug and a kiss, and stood with his arm over my shoulder as I watched the blaze. Even more residents were standing around admiring the devastation, and I think I saw one person with a marshmallow on a stick holding it over the fire. Firefighters were having trouble getting their hoses through the crowd to the flaming car. "You okay?" said Ranger.

"Yeah. Who won the pool?"

"Tank. He stuck with his original guess of tomorrow. Everyone else guessed further in the future."

"How much did he win?"

"Not everyone got a chance to guess yet, so he only won two hundred dollars. He's happy though. He said he wasn't sure if you would do one two days in a row, but he was willing to put his money down on it anyway, just in case."

"So did you bring another car for me?"

"No. I thought I'd escort you to the station." I bit my lip. "Is that a problem?"

"It's just that Lula, Darla and I were planning on going to Mooner's to do some shoe shopping prior to going into the station. Mooner has a shipment of Lubbutins. Lula bought a pair the other day, and is very happy with them. And how often can you get a pair of Lubbutins?"

"Aren't they pronounced 'Louboutins'?"

"They would be if they were real, but these are real, genuine knock-off Lubbutins. However, if you don't look closely you don't see the misspelling. They have the red sole, and that's what matters."

"Let me guess – you've always wanted a pair of Lubbutins?"

"I promised Darla. That's how I got cuffs on her. And I promised Lula."

Ranger smiled at me. "Then I guess that we're going shoe shopping", he said.

I looked at him doubtfully. "I know you're a big macho man who is confident enough of your masculinity to do such things like buy tampons without blushing, but are you sure you want to take Lula and me shoe shopping?"

Ranger grinned. "I think I can handle a little shoe shopping." I still looked at him doubtfully. "Bring it on, babe."

Morelli jogged up to us as we started to leave. "Is this a new record for you?" he said. "I see you with one car issue, go to a late lunch, then get called out again with you at another car issue."

"Yeah, I've been a busy – and unlucky – girl today."

"I don't know, cupcake. You weren't in the cars when they were shot out, so I'd say that you were very lucky."

I blanched. That was a thought that I didn't want to have.

"Are you here for official reasons?" said Ranger. "Or were you just in the neighborhood?"

Morelli smiled. "Neither. I'd been called when I was on my way back from lunch, so I thought I'd come and make sure that you were okay. What happened?"

I told him about the youth and the car and how the car had been shot out and how the car had exploded. Morelli listened to me, a serious expression on his face. "You know that could have been you that he shot instead", he said.

"I know, but I did have my gun out and I was ready to shoot him."

"That doesn't make me feel better, cupcake. Are you sure you don't want to work solely for Ranger?"

"Nope. I'm getting better at skip tracing."

"Uh-hunh", said Morelli.

"I've been able to capture everyone I've looked for this week." I didn't bother to tell him that Darla was the only person I had been chasing so far.

"Uh-hunh", said Morelli. "If you are trying to convince me that you are a good bounty hunter now, you're doing a terrible job."

"Getting my car shot out and exploded didn't have anything to do with the fact that I'm a bounty hunter."

"Except for it being the reason that you were on Stark in the first place."

I blew out a breath. I didn't want to admit that he was right. I looked down at the ground where I was scuffing my boot in the slush and tried to breathe through the tight feeling at the back of my throat.

Ranger pulled me closer to him. "Stephanie is a good bounty hunter who is sent into bad situations", he said quietly. "She handles them well, and she handles herself well. It is easy to look in from the outside and say she made a mistake, but when you are actually living it you realize that no mistakes were made."

"She is always going from one catastrophe to another", said Morelli. I looked up at him and his face was turning red and there was steam coming out of his ears.

"You've never lived the life of a bounty hunter", said Ranger. "You don't know the challenges that she faces on a day-to-day basis. I do, which is why I don't get mad at Stephanie. I understand that these things happen and that it truly isn't her fault."

"I come down to Stark all the time", said Morelli, "and my car is never shot out."

"Sometimes people are just lucky", said Ranger.

I turned to Darla and let Ranger argue on my behalf. It was probably better anyway. I was getting upset about the things that Morelli was saying, and he was getting upset with wanting to force me to quit. Ranger arguing on my behalf made me, at least, feel a little calmer. I doubt that it made Morelli calmer, but it did give me a break.

As I turned to Darla, she said, "are those two men taken?"

I smiled. "The tall Cuban-American is my boyfriend." Darla's mouth fell open and I thought I saw her eyes glaze over. I smiled. "And the tall Italian is my ex-boyfriend."

"Wow", said Darla, and I could understand. Ranger and Morelli were both exceptionally hot, and women everywhere drooled when they walked by. "Do you think your ex would be interested in me?" she said.

I laughed. "Unfortunately for you, he's a cop and wouldn't be interested in you because of that."

"Why did you break up?"

"He didn't support me in my job. He said that bad things always happen to me."

The youths were still standing around, laughing and talking, when a fight broke out amongst them. The boys started to push each other and call each other names, and guns came out and were waved around. There was even a grenade launcher. I could feel Ranger tense beside me, and he put his hand on his weapon, ready to use on my behalf. Morelli looked at the kids, sighed and shook his head before wading into the mass of teens. "I understand that everyone is unhappy", said Morelli, "but I need you all to take a deep breath and step back for a moment."

I froze as a teen approached Joe. "What do you about living on Stark Street?" he said. "You don't know nothin'."

"I know you need to chill for a while", said Joe. "Whether you do that here or in lock-up doesn't make a difference to me."

"Who are you?"

Joe smiled and reached into his pocket for his credentials. "I'm Detective Morelli of the TPD", he said. "And you are?"

"Tinkerbell", said the youth. He looked over and saw that I had Darla in custody. "Hey, where are you taking Darla?"

"Darla is in violation of her bond. She has to go into court to be rescheduled before she can be bonded out again. It's a simple process but important."

"You're not taking Darla anywhere", he said. "I'll shoot you if you take Darla."

Ranger threw a look at me to tell me to stay put, then walked up to the youth and got in his face. "You won't do anything other than to wish us well", he said. "No shooting or doing anything other than letting us go for the day."

"It's okay, Bulldog", said Darla. "Stephanie is taking me to buy new shoes on the way to the station."

"You don't need new shoes, Darla. You have a whole closet full of them."

"Yes, but these are Louboutins. They aren't just any shoe. I _need_ these, Bulldog."

I could see Lula nodding in my peripheral vision as Ranger came and stood in front of me. Morelli joined Ranger in forming a human shield as we made our way through the group of teens towards Ranger's car.

"I said, you're not taking Darla anywhere", said the teen. He grabbed the grenade launcher, aimed it at the closest car, and shot the car. The grenade went into the car and exploded, and the car caught fire.

Morelli spun out from in front of us and took out his cuffs. He grabbed the youth, threw the grenade launcher on the ground, and cuffed him before the teen knew what was happening. "That was my car, dipshit", he said. He marched the kid over to the curb twenty-five yards away from his burning vehicle and sat him down. Ranger walked Darla over to sit her down on the curb beside Bulldog, and he turned so his back was against the building and so that he could keep his eyes on the youths still milling around.

Morelli called in the shots fired, and asked for two patrol cars come to pick up Darla and Bulldog. "Does this mean that I'm not getting shoes this afternoon?" Darla said as the fire reached the gas tank and the tank exploded.

I ignored the fire. "It looks that way", I said. "I was prepared to go, but now you are being picked up by the police and I won't have jurisdiction to take you in."

"I want my shoes."

"I'm sorry, but we aren't going now."

"I. WANT. MY. SHOES."

"I know that you're upset, but this is out of my hands. If you want to blame anyone for what has happened, blame lover boy there. He's the one that screwed up your ability to buy shoes today."

She turned and glared at Bulldog. "I was going to get Louboutins, asshole. You lost my chance."

"Darla, you don't need any more shoes, sugar. You need to save your money. You have to think of the baby."

"That's not your concern. Bulldog, I told you that it wasn't your baby."

"But we could make a family, just the three of us."

I let the sounds of their discussion flow over me, and I looked up at Ranger. He was still, alert, watching the group, his body in a fighting stance and ready to jump into action. I moved back until I was standing beside him as Morelli continued to watch the crowd and to talk in the phone to dispatch. Lula moved back until she was leaning against the wall beside me.

When Morelli got off the phone, he joined us against the wall. "This is bullshit", he said. "They torched my car!"

"Now you know how Stephanie feels", said Ranger quietly. "It isn't her fault any more than it was yours."


	16. Chapter 16

My grandmother called as we were leaving the scene of the two car fires. We had seen both Darla and Bulldog into police custody and I had gotten my paperwork signed, and we were happily ensconced in Ranger's car and easing our way through the various fire trucks. "Hey, Grandma", I said.

"Hey, Steph. I have my resume done, and I was wondering whether you'd have time to come and look at it today. We're having pork chops and rice and broccoli for dinner, and we're having pineapple upside-down cake and whipped cream for dessert."

"Just hang on a second and I'll see if Ranger has time." I covered the mouthpiece and asked Ranger, and when he agreed I put it on speakerphone and said, "Ranger and Lula and I are going to a shoe sale, but after we drop Lula off at the bonds office we'll be over for dinner. I don't know when we'll be there."

"I like shoe sales."

Ranger did a U-turn so that he was heading towards my parents' house without me even asking, and I looked at him and smiled.

"We'll be there in about five minutes to pick you up", I said.

"Let me just go and touch up my hair and lipstick then", said Grandma.

Five minutes later, we pulled up in front of my parents' house and my grandmother trotted out the front door and down to the car. She climbed in and put her seatbelt on. "Every time I travel in this car it makes me feel like a movie star. It is so luxurious, and it is black, just like a star's."

I glanced at Ranger, and he looked like he was thinking about smiling.

"I bought a new lipstick today. What do you think about the color?" she said. "I think it's called Tropical Heat."

I looked at her. Her mouth was tinted a deep tangerine color. "It goes well with your orange shirt", I said. Privately I thought it made her lips look they were diseased, but what did I know?

"I was thinking of getting my hair tinted orange as well", said Grandma. "Then I could all match."

"It's very important to match", said Lula. "That's what I tell my colorist all the time. That's why my hair always matches my nails. So today, my hair is purple, and my nails are purple as well."

Grandma inspected Lula's nails. "That's real pretty. So you're saying that I should get my nails done as well?"

"I would", said Lula. "It's important to match."

"But you're not wearing purple lipstick", I said.

"No, but that's because I couldn't find my purple lipstick this morning. I have one so that I match and, in fact, when I was thinking of getting my hair colored purple I took my lipstick to the colorist and had the stylist match the color. You might want to consider that when you get your hair colored."

"I might just do that. I think I'd like to have orange hair."

"It would certainly shock a lot of people, Grandma", I said.

"Do you think it would shock your mother and father?" she said.

"Yes, although I think they would like that better than when you dyed your hair fluorescent blue."

"They are such fuddy-duddies. There was nothing wrong with blue hair. I saw a teenager with blue hair. She had piercings as well, but your mother wouldn't allow me to get a nose ring. They need to get more hip and with the times. Hell, I'm almost eighty and I have more fashion sense than your mother."

"I don't think you have more fashion sense", I said. "I just think your personal styles are different. Mom's style is very classic. You tend to take more chances."

"I don't want to look like an old fart", said Grandma. "As it is, I'm wrinkled and I don't move as quickly as I used to. My eyes don't see as well and I don't have the energy that I used to. My hair is thin and my joints swollen and sore. Whoever called these the golden years forgot to tell me that they were tarnished."

"You will never look like an old fart, Grandma", I said. I could see Ranger thinking about smiling again, and I threw him a mock glare. His thought about smiling turned into one of his half-smiles, and as I continued to glare at him, it turned into a full smile.

I shook my head and directed Ranger to Mooner's house.

We pulled in behind two minivans and a POS car that I suspected was a police car. The undercover police cars were the only cars on the road that were in even worse condition than mine. This one had a definite 'police' vibe to it. As we passed it on the way to Mooner's house, I looked inside. There were six empty coffee cups, five McDonald's bags, and three bags for Cluck-in-a-Bucket. It was definitely a police car. I hoped that the officer was there to purchase items rather than arrest Mooner and, if they were there to arrest Mooner, I could only hope that he or she waited until I had selected and purchased my shoes first.

Ranger helped Grandma over some cracks in the sidewalk and followed Lula and me into Mooner's house. As we entered, the sweet smell of pot wafted over us. "What's that smell?" said Grandma.

"That's wacky tabaccy", said Lula. When Grandma looked confused, Lula said, "it's marijuana."

Grandma's face brightened. "I always wondered what that smelled like. I was a little too old to have been part of the marijuana scene when I was younger. Even though I went to love-ins, people weren't taking drugs at them. The last love-in that I went to was in 1960. It smells quite nice, doesn't it?"

"I don't particularly care for the scent myself", I said.

Ranger turned to me. "I'll wait out the front. Take as long as you like, but I want to make sure that someone is still sober enough to drive after your shopping expedition."

I smiled. I was starting to feel pretty good. "Okay", I said.

Ranger laughed and shook his head, and headed out to the front yard as I guided Grandma through the house to the kitchen. There were three people in the back. Each of them was as high as a kite. One was Mooner, and he was staring at his hand, holding it in the air, and giggling. He reminded me of Bob the Dog, Morelli's oversized and overaffectionate golden retriever, just minus the drool. One of the other people was a police officer who was apparently off duty or, at least, I hoped she was off duty. I knew her by sight but I didn't know her name. She was taking a long drag on a joint, and the third person was waiting her turn. I didn't know the third person at all.

I turned to Mooner. "Where are the shoes?" I said.

He giggled. "Shoes, blues. These shoes are red. They should be called red sheds."

"Uh-hunh. Where are they?"

"Over there", said Mooner as he pointed to a wall. I looked, and I couldn't find any shoes.

"Do you mind if I look around?"

Mooner giggled. "Mi casa es su casa."

I laughed. For some reason, that was very funny to me, and when I started to laugh Lula started to laugh and Grandma was giggling as well. I left the room to look in the front room. There were a number of boxes there, and I turned to Lula. She was already sorting through the boxes looking for something that was in her size. "What size are you again?" she said.

"Size eight. And Grandma is a size six. Where is Grandma?"

"I don't know", said Lula. I didn't know if it was the wacky tabaccy, but she didn't look like she particularly cared.

I retraced my steps and walked into the kitchen. Grandma was sitting on Mooner's lap puffing on a joint. "Grandma", I said, "what about shoe shopping?"

"I want blue shoes."

"We'll look for some blue ones", I said.

"Sky blue, sky blue, who's out, not you", said Grandma.

I started to laugh.

"Was that how you chose between Ranger and Joe?" said Grandma.

I laughed. "You know, I know that I should be upset about that, but I'm not. It's just so funny."

Grandma laughed again. "Did you say 'eeny, meeny, miney, mo', and you ended up with Ranger?"

I laughed again. "Of course not. It was a well thought-out decision."

"Why did you decide against Joe?"

I laughed again. "I can't remember." I took the joint from Grandma's hand as she was gesturing with it, and took a puff. I handed it back to her because she was looking a little envious of me smoking the joint. I couldn't remember why I shouldn't give it to her.

Mooner looked at me. "Stephanie! When did you get here?"

That made me laugh harder.

Mooner looked confused. "Why are you here? Did I forget my court date again?"

"No", I said. "I think we were here about shoes."

"I sold them all."

"Nuh-uh", said Lula as she came into the room. "I have some here in Grandma's size, some in Stephanie's size, and some in my size."

"Where were they?" said Mooner. He took the joint from my grandmother's hand and puffed on it before handing it back again.

"In the boxes in the front room", said Lula

"Is that what's in them?" said Mooner. He looked confused again.

"How much do we owe you?" I asked.

"There are three pairs of shoes here", said Lula.

"Twenty dollars a pair", said Mooner, "or a pound of weed."

I looked at Lula, and she looked at me, and Grandma took another puff. "I forgot my purse in the car. I'll be right back."

"Okay", said Mooner.

"See you later, alligator", said Grandma. She started giggling hysterically.

"Not for a while, crocodile", I said in a sing-song voice.

I walked out the front of the house still laughing, and as I tripped down the stairs Ranger caught me. "Are you ready to go?" he said.

"I need money. Money, money, money." I started to laugh again.

"I think it's time to go, babe", he said. "How much money do you need?"

"Sixty dollars."

"Okay. Go wait beside the car." I didn't. He walked back into the house, and I followed him through to the kitchen at the back. Grandma was still sitting on Mooner's knee, still puffing away on the joint, when Ranger got there. He pulled the sixty dollars from his wallet and put it on the table, took the joint from her fingers and put it in the ashtray, picked Grandma up, turned to Lula and told her that her ride was leaving, and led the three of us out of the house.


	17. Chapter 17

Ranger loaded us into the car, did up our seatbelts and got behind the wheel. He opened the windows and called my mother. "Grandma, Stephanie and I are out and it doesn't look like we'll be home in time for dinner. We'll just grab something on the run and will deliver Grandma home in time for bed."

"Is everything alright?" said my mother.

"Yes, of course", said Ranger. "I need to go. There looks like an accident coming up, and I should pay attention to my driving."

"Okay. Thanks for letting me know."

Ranger hung up the phone. "You're going to Hell for lying to my mother", I said and I laughed again.

Ranger shook his head.

Grandma started to panic. "What will Helen think? I'm going to be in so much trouble. It's just that I always wanted to try pot, so when it was offered, it just made sense to try it."

"I know, Grandma", I said.

Grandma thought for a second, and then said, "I'm hungry."

"I am too", I said.

"Ella will make us something good for dinner", said Ranger. "I had already called her and she is making something for us as we speak."

"I'm hungry too", said Lula.

"Then I'll give you twenty dollars so that you can order a pizza for your own dinner", said Ranger. "I'm sorry, but there won't be enough dinner for you as well. Ella is only expecting three. I need to get Steph and Grandma back to the apartment and into the shower to get the stink off them."

"Do I stink?" I said. I sniffed my skin.

"Pee-eww!" said Grandma. She laughed again.

Ranger pulled up in front of Lula's house and waited while she got out of the car.

"It's been a blast", she said. "Literally." She laughed as she took her house keys out of her purse as Ranger handed her a twenty, picked up her new pair of shoes, and tripped up her front stairs. Ranger waited until the door opened and Lula went inside.

As he drove back to the apartment, he said, "this is how it's going to work. We'll go into the apartment, you'll each have a shower, and then we'll have some dinner. After dinner, we'll wait a little bit and, when you aren't high any longer, we'll take Grandma back to your parents' house."

"I'm so hungry. Can't we eat first?" I said.

"No. You two stink so bad that it would turn my stomach."

"Come on, it's not that bad, is it?" I said. I took my fingers and walked them up his thigh from his knee to his groin.

He sighed and shook his head, then grabbed my hand and held it still.

"Spoilsport", I said with a flirty pout.

He smiled.

I heard a loud snort before the snores settled into a regular rhythm, and I looked back at my grandmother. Her head was thrown back and she was sound asleep. I decided that was a good idea, and I put my head back as well.

Minutes later, Ranger shook me awake. "Babe", he said, "we're home."

I opened my eyes and saw that we were in the parking garage. "I'll carry your grandmother up to the apartment so that we don't have to wake her, but are you okay to walk up yourself?"

I nodded and stretched. I sniffed as Ranger closed the windows on the car. "I stink, don't I?"

Ranger smiled. "Yeah, you do."

"I don't think I am high any longer."

"That's good."

"I'm still hungry though."

"I'm not surprised."

"And I want a shower."

"That's good, since that is where you are going as soon as you get in."

I nodded. "My high won't last as long as Grandma's high. I just had the effects of secondhand smoke and one drag on a joint. My grandmother took several hits from the joint and was right beside the secondhand smoke. I imagine that she'll sleep for a while."

"She can always stay the night."

"My mother will be furious with us."

"She'll be more furious with us if she sees your grandmother high."

"That's true."

Ranger got out of the Cayenne and carried Grandma to the elevators while I locked the vehicle and followed them. By the time we got to the fifth floor, Grandma was still passed out and Tank got on the elevator. "Everything okay?" he said. He looked slightly surprised when he smelled the lingering scent of weed on us.

"We went shoe shopping at Mooner's", I said in explanation. Tank looked at Ranger in confusion. When we got to the seventh floor, I opened the apartment door and walked in, kicked off my shoes, and said, "I'm going for a shower."

I could see Ranger's lips twitch as he said, "good idea." He laid my grandmother on the sofa to sleep, and then turned to Tank to give a full explanation of what had happened. I left when I heard him saying that Grandma had decided to try pot for the first time.

I had a very long shower, and by the end of it I was feeling pretty good. Tired and hungry, but clean and optimistic. It had been a very long day that had a number of events to it, and I was ready for bed. I left the bathroom dressed in some comfy clothes, and padded off to bed. I thought that I'd just sleep for a little bit before I ate some dinner. That was the last thing that I remembered for the rest of the night.

The next morning I woke up when Ranger's alarm went off. Having skipped dinner the night before, I was ravenous. "How are you feeling?" asked Ranger when he saw me stir.

"Starving. Did I sleep the whole night through?"

"Yup. There is leftover casserole in the fridge if you want something to eat", he said. "It was a chicken zucchini bake and was very good."

"Okay, thanks. What happened with my grandmother?"

"She also slept the night through. I phoned your mother and told her that Grandma was with us and that she would stay the night. Your mother suspects something is up, but she doesn't know what it is. When she asked to speak to your grandmother, I had to tell your mother that your grandmother was sleeping already. I checked on your grandmother about every two hours throughout the night, but she seems to be doing fine and is snoring up a storm."

"Thanks for doing that."

"No problem. So your grandmother was smoking a joint?"

"I don't know how much of it she actually smoked. Lula and I were in the front room looking for shoes for most of that time. When I noticed Grandma was missing, I went into the kitchen and found her on Mooner's knee and smoking a joint. I didn't even know that she knew how to smoke. She was as high as a kite."

Ranger's lips twitched as he thought about smiling. "I noticed."

"That can be another thing that she strikes off her bucket list. I think she'd always wanted to know what being high would be like."

"Why do you say that?"

"She said that she'd like to know. I had been able to talk her out of it by telling her that she'd eat so much that she would no longer fit in her clothes, but I guess the call of the joint was too strong for her. When the opportunity presented itself, she seized it."

"Lucky us."

I smiled. "Better us than my parents. My mother would have been furious, and my father would have shaken his head and muttered about old ladies and the amount of trouble that my grandmother could get into." Ranger chuckled.

I rolled out of bed and stood, and Ranger looked surprised. "Are you up for the day?" he said.

"I guess twelve hours of sleep are enough even for me", I said. Ranger smiled as I said, "I know – it's hard to believe, but there are times that even I have had enough sleep."

"Impossible", said Ranger with a quirk to his lips. I grinned.

"I have designated another fleet car for you to drive today", he said. "I'll report the destruction of your car to the insurance company this morning."

"I really am sorry. I don't know what it is about me and cars, but I don't seem to have a lot of luck with them."

"You drive a nice car and go into places where nice cars are seen as valuable."

"My own cars traditionally haven't been that nice, yet they are often vandalized or stolen."

"Yes, but they are an equivalent quality of car compared to most of the cars driven by the inhabitants on Stark Street."

I nodded. That, unfortunately, was true and said a lot about the income bracket of the local residents there. The only people who had cars that were in worse condition were undercover police officers. Those cars were lucky to have both bumpers and less than five bullet holes through the body.


	18. Chapter 18

I had a long, hot shower while Ranger was having his workout, and by the time I had emerged I was lobster red and wrinkled and feeling strong enough to do amazing things, like face my mother's wrath at hearing that my grandmother had gotten high the day before. I wondered how much we should tell my mother before deciding that we should tell my mother the truth. It had been my experience that my mother always found out anyway and, although it would result in my mother ironing an awful lot, I had found that it was always better to be upfront about things with her.

My mother used ironing the way that Mooner used marijuana or other mothers used Xanax. Faced with a problem, my mother would iron the difficulty away. In lieu of having clean clothes to iron, she had been known to iron dirty clothes for hours. Since I was usually the person who incited the ironing marathons, I tried to provide the clothes for her to iron. Now that I was living with Ranger, Ella was doing all our laundry and my grandmother was on her own. I didn't know how my mother was going to cope. The lack of clothes in the ironing basket was the only reason that I was hesitating on telling my mother the truth.

I dried my hair and put on the barest of makeup – lip gloss and two coats of mascara. Then, as I thought about the relationship of number of coats of mascara that I was wearing to my personal confidence in the day, I gunked up my lashes again. I thought, when my mother heard what had happened the day before, that I could use as many coats of mascara as I could put on.

I walked through from the bathroom to the dressing room and found Grandma on the way. She was standing in the bedroom, her hand on the door to the bathroom as she prepared to enter. "Did you need something, Grandma?" I said.

My grandmother looked disappointed. "I thought Ranger was in the shower", she said.

"Is that why you were about to enter the bathroom?" I didn't know whether to laugh or get angry. "To have a little look?" Apparently my body had decided that anger was the way to go, and I took a deep breath to calm myself down.

Grandma turned a little red. "You have to admit that Ranger's package is impressive. I've been looking at packages online, and Ranger's is the best that I've ever seen. He isn't obscenely large, but is the perfect size. And with his intense personality, you'd think that he would know his way around a woman's body." She looked at me hopefully.

I smiled. I had never been comfortable talking about my sex life, much to my grandmother's and Lula's dismay, and I wasn't about to start now.

"You could tell me, you know", said my grandmother. "I promise that I wouldn't tell anyone."

"I'm sure you wouldn't, but I'm not telling you about my sex life. I don't even tell Lula about it, and she's a professional."

Grandma nodded. "I could be a professional as well", she said. "There would be all sorts of men who would appreciate a woman with a little experience. I'm sure I'd get a lot of people interested in having sex with me. I wouldn't even have to get paid."

A shudder went down my back. If my mother was mad about the marijuana, she would be beyond furious if my grandmother decided to become a prostitute.

"You realize that a prostitute has to stand on a street corner for hours when they are plying their trade, and that they had to get down on their knees a lot to give blow jobs. Lula said that it is incredibly hard on your knees to be a 'ho. With your arthritis, I'm not sure that it is something you should aspire to be." I went into the dressing room and selected some clothes for the day. Although I was planning on working for some time at Rangeman that day, I knew that I was also planning on having lunch with Joe and I would be going skip chasing with Lula, and between it all I thought it made sense to wear colors rather than Rangeman black. I put on my bra and panties and sniffed my bulletproof vest. It had aired out through the night and didn't smell of pot any longer, which I was greatly appreciative of. I knew that I would be wearing the bulletproof vest that day, and I didn't want my mother picking up on any suggestion of pot in my scent. I didn't _think_ she'd recognize the smell, but still…why take the chance if I didn't have to?

I put on the bulletproof vest and selected a pair of jeans and an oversized sweater. Grandma's eyes started to sparkle when she saw my bulletproof vest. "Do you need to wear that because of the high chance that you'll get shot or stabbed?" asked Grandma.

"I didn't wear one in the past, but Ranger bought this one specifically for me and I now wear it when I am going skip chasing during the day. He bought me a bulletproof jacket that isn't as hot for the summer as well."

"Isn't that something! I'd like to have a bulletproof vest. Think of what I could tell everyone at the Cut 'n Curl the next time I was in", she said.

I pulled on my jeans and floated the sweater over my head and shoulders. "They are actually quite hot and heavy", I said. "Ranger and I bought one for Lula for her birthday. As much as I don't like wearing them, Ranger prefers it and, now that he has bought me one that has been custom-made for my body, I don't really feel like I can get away without wearing one. It makes him happier."

"Where do you get something like that?"

"Ranger buys his staff vests over the internet. There is one site in particular that has ones designed for females that we used for Lula's vest. I think Ranger used a different site for my vest since it was custom-made to fit me."

"So if you got pregnant then the vest wouldn't fit you any longer."

"No, it wouldn't. I don't think they make bulletproof vest in maternity sizes."

"Too bad", said Grandma. "That's a whole area of marketing that the companies are missing out on."

I finished getting dressed as Ranger walked into the bedroom. "What's an area of marketing that companies are missing out on?" he asked.

"Grandma was just saying that there should be a company that offers bulletproof vests to those who are pregnant", I said. I smiled at the look of horror that passed over Ranger's face.

"I think the whole concept of women being in the field when they are pregnant is something that most employers would avoid", he said. "No employer would want to take the chance that a pregnant woman was put into a situation that required a bulletproof vest."

"So if Steph gets pregnant", said my grandmother, "you wouldn't let her do skip chasing?"

"I'm not going to get pregnant, Grandma", I said.

Ranger smiled. "We aren't planning on having kids but, if we did get pregnant by accident, I wouldn't feel comfortable with Steph doing any skip tracing. Tracking and finding skips is mostly routine but, when it isn't, the possibilities are terrifying. I would never want to put Stephanie into that position."

"But you are comfortable sending her into it now?" said Grandma.

Ranger smiled again. "I have perfect confidence that Steph can handle herself but, if things are too hard for her, she is at least wearing a bulletproof vest. However, if she was pregnant she wouldn't be able to wear a bulletproof vest. Not being pregnant means that she can roll around in the dirt with a skip and, if she gets punched or kicked in the stomach, she would just be a bit bruised. If she was pregnant, those common events could put Steph's life and the life of the baby in jeopardy. It would be putting her in danger, and I would not react well. So, no, if Steph was pregnant she would not be going out chasing skips."

"Don't tell Helen that", said Grandma. "That would be giving her more incentive to badger you about having children."

I smiled. My grandmother was so right. I kissed Ranger as he selected some clothes to wear, and then led my grandmother out of the room. "Let's make some coffee", I said, "and stay out of Ranger's way. We can get ready for breakfast as well."

Grandma brightened. "Do you think Ranger would like ice water with our meal?"

Fifteen minutes later, Ella brought up breakfast for the three of us. She had made cheese and ham and mushroom omelets with sides of whole grain toast and sliced fruit. Grandma was intrigued by Ella and her service to Ranger. "I could do that job", she said. "If Ella was going on a holiday, I could fill in for her."

"I'm sure you could, but we've never needed anyone to fill in for her in the past."

Ranger's phone buzzed, and Ranger pulled out his cell to look at it. He froze for a second, and I wondered what it said. When I looked at him in question, he turned his phone to me. It was a text from Ramon, and it said that there was no emergency but that Ranger had a message on his office phone from Dickie asking Ranger to call him back. _"He is driving me nuts", _thetextsaid_. "He won't put pants on and he walks around in his tighty whities and an undershirt all day. You have me doing a 24-hour protection detail and I'm going stir crazy. He drinks too much and complains about everything. Add in his fear and he's just about unmanageable. Whenever he hears someone in the hall he runs to the bedroom and hides. He is treating me like a glorified servant. Yesterday he drank himself into a state, threw up, and then he told me the bathroom needed cleaning."_

"Oh, man", I said on a sigh. "Ramon's not paid enough for that." Ranger nodded, but he looked irritated. "Are you ready to call in the authorities yet?"

Ranger thought about smiling. "No, I like seeing him uncomfortable."

"Yes, but your staff is uncomfortable as well."

"There isn't always something good about everything, but personal discomfort on behalf of our guest is a definite benefit." He paused. "I think that's the only thing that is keeping Ramon civil at the moment."

"That guest isn't the most cooperative person in the whole world, and he always thinks that he is in the right."

"I keep reminding myself of the end game. However, I think I'll have to take my babysitters off the two-day rotation and put them on a one-day rotation instead. When I bring a replacement for Ramon today, I'll tell our guest that we'll be doing that. He won't like it, but that is the price he has to pay for being an asshole."

"You are babysitting an asshole?" said Grandma. Her ears immediately perked up. "Who is it?"

"That's a secret", I said. "He is a regular asshole, but he is paying Ranger to look after him so we are stuck with him for the time being."

"So you aren't holding him for one of the governmental agencies?"

"No", said Ranger. "The asshole is there by his own choice."

"Cool", said Grandma. "Do I know who you are guarding?"

"No, you don't", I said. "However, you might recognize his name so that's why we are being so careful and not telling you who it is. After all, if you knew your life would be in danger and he's not worth you being in danger at all."

My grandmother sat forward, her nose quivering in excitement. "I wouldn't mind being in danger", she said. "As it is, I'm old and have a limited shelf life left."

I glared at her. "Don't say that, Grandma. You have to live a long time yet."

Grandma made a raspberry sound. "As much as I don't want to admit it, my life is definitely in its latter years. That's why I need to get a job. There are so many things that I would like to buy, and I need more than my Social Security check to be able to afford them. Besides, I was reading about jobs in my resume-writing book. They said that it's important to find a job that I like, and one that uses my skills and experience. Do you think that pimps take resumes?"

Ranger choked on his coffee, and I threw a laughing glance at him as I helpfully patted his back. He recovered quickly and looked at me, and his lips quirked up in a half-smile.

"Look what you have to look forward to when I'm a senior", I said in a whisper.

Ranger smiled.

"Seriously", said Grandma. "That would be something that I would like, and it would be something that I would be good at. Your grandfather always seemed to enjoy himself, anyway, and now I have the added ability to take my teeth out."

"Do I want to know?" said Ranger who despite himself looked fascinated.

"My last honey said that it was better when I took my teeth out. Less sharp bits."

I groaned. "You really had to ask, didn't you?" I said.

While Ranger had the perfect poker face, this was beyond even his ability to play it cool. He broke out into a laugh, and Grandma stopped eating to stare at him. I could understand her reaction. Ranger didn't break out into a belly laugh often, and when he did it was a sight to see. I was always glad when I had been able to break through his reserve and make him laugh. It was a view that I saw periodically, but that Lula and Connie had never been graced with.

"I was thinking, Steph", said Grandma when Ranger had finished laughing, "that, if I couldn't be a 'ho, I would be a good bounty hunter."

"Why do you say that?" I said.

"I could wear a bulletproof vest."


	19. Chapter 19

Grandma and I decided to be proactive and went to pick up Valerie's laundry for my mother to do. I had convinced my grandmother, after a prolonged discussion, that it would be better to tell my mother the truth. As I reminded her, my mother often found out anyway, and she would be curious as to why my grandmother had spent the night with Ranger and me. Grandma had argued just as hard to tell my mother that aliens had abducted her and were just now returning her to Earth. I asked her how we would explain Ranger's call to tell my mother that she was staying with us overnight, and Grandma said that we could tell my mother that an alien had called her, not Ranger, and the alien just sounded a lot like him. I don't know how, but I finally convinced her that the alien-explanation wouldn't be a good explanation for us to use.

So my grandmother was a little grumpy when we drove up to my mother's house. I handed her a laundry basket filled with Edmund's clothes, and I stacked two laundry hampers on top of each other and carried them into the house. My mother had taken my grandmother's place at the door and had seen us coming, and she opened the door helpfully for us and followed us into the kitchen. We put the laundry baskets on the floor and Grandma immediately started sorting out the clothes for washing. I think she was trying to get a head start on providing my mother's form of Valium.

My mother looked at her, and then looked at me. "So where were you last night that you couldn't bring your grandmother home?" She poured the three of us a coffee and got out a Entemann's coffee cake. There was already a piece cut out of it, and I rather thought that, when my mother heard what had gone on, that I wouldn't see a piece of cake again for a few weeks. I sliced a piece each for my mother and Grandma before taking a large slice for myself. I figured that, if I was to be cut off cake for a while, I would have to make my last piece memorable.

I looked at my grandmother as I took a bite of the cake.

"It was the funniest thing", said Grandma. "I went shoe shopping with Steph, and aliens came down and abducted me. I barely got out of there alive."

I shoved in another mouthful.

My mother turned squinty eyes on my grandmother, and my grandmother looked back at her innocently, and I decided that I now understood where I got my ability to lie from. It was a skill I had developed over the years and used often. However, there were a few people that I really didn't like lying to, and my mother and Ranger topped the list. So when my mother turned her squinty eyes on me, I shrugged and shoved in the rest of the cake. "It wasn't aliens", I said. My grandmother glared at me. I turned to her. "I told you that Mom was too smart to believe that it was aliens."

"I would have believed it", said my grandmother.

"I know, but Mom needs to know the truth."

"Fine!" said my grandmother. She busied herself by sorting out the rest of the laundry.

"Steph?" said my mother.

"Grandma and Lula and I went to Mooner's to look at his newest shipment of shoes. Ranger drove us, and he waited outside for us to be finished. He bought us each a pair of shoes as well. While we were there, Mooner was smoking a little weed and the smoke from the joints was thick in the house. I went with Lula to search through the boxes for shoes and, when I realized that Grandma wasn't behind me, I went back to find her. She was smoking a joint."

"My mother was _high_?"

"Yes", I said. "We were all a little high, with the exception of Ranger, just because of the secondhand smoke. But while I recovered quickly when I was out in fresh air again, Grandma took a little longer to recover. Ranger took us back to his apartment and Grandma slept from about five yesterday afternoon until six this morning. She has since had a big breakfast and, to all intents and purposes, appears to have fully recovered. I also slept from about five-thirty to about five-thirty this morning. We have both had showers to try to get rid of the smell of the smoke, and Grandma is wearing some of my clothes so that you don't have to deal with the smell either."

My mother stared at me. "I think I preferred the alien explanation", she said. My grandmother threw me a look of triumph. "But I'm glad that I know the truth. I knew the explanation would be a doozy since you brought me laundry to do. You only bring me laundry when something is wrong."

I smiled. My mother knew me well.

I looked at the cake longingly and wondered if the explanation had gone well enough to give me another piece of cake, and my mother saw me looking at the cake box. "Oh, no, you don't", she said. "I may not be angry at you, but that doesn't mean that you're getting another piece of cake. You aren't out of the doghouse completely."

"It wasn't really my fault", I said.

"I know", said my mother as she sighed. "I know how hard it is to corral Grandma. I've had years of trying to clean up her messes. This is a fairly typical thing for your grandmother to do. I don't blame you. I'm not happy with you, but I don't blame you."

I smiled. It had turned out better than I had predicted. I might not get another piece of cake, but it didn't look like I'd be cut off cake completely for a while.

My grandmother turned to me. "You promised to help me with my resume", she said.

"I did. What do you have so far?"

My grandmother brightened and ran upstairs for her laptop. She came down a few minutes later. She opened up the document that she was working on and turned it towards me. "See?" she said. "The book said to put in a career objective. So I put in the objective that I'd like to earn some money before I die so that I can afford one of the nice caskets at Stiva's Funeral Home. I would hate to die and have to be put in one of the cheap boxes. I want lots of white satin and padding. I'd like to know that my bones were resting on something comfortable."

My mom made a choking sound and looked longingly towards the cabinet with the whiskey.

"You'll be dead", I said. "You'll never know."

"Yes, but I want to die knowing that I would be put in the best. I figure that I didn't have white satin at my wedding, so I want white satin at my funeral."

"Didn't you dress in white at your wedding?"

"No. I got married during a love-in. It was a blast, but I didn't wear a traditional wedding dress. I wore a yellow peasant blouse and an orange skirt, and I had flowers in my hair rather than a veil. It wasn't until your mother was three and your uncle was one that we found out that our marriage wasn't legal. When we found that out, we went down to City Hall and had a civil ceremony. I didn't see what the point was, but your grandfather was an old fuddy-duddy, and he wanted the piece of paper. I was always surprised that he had been at a love-in in the first place, but a friend of his dragged him to it."

"Hadn't you known Grandpa for a while before you got married?"

"No", said Grandma. "We had just met. It was love at first sight and, although the shine didn't last much longer than the love-in, we still had a good life. He went to work and brought home a good paycheck. He tried hard to be a good husband and, although we were completely opposites in personality, I appreciated his steadiness and he put up with my free spirit. We had some beauty arguments in our time, but I always knew that he would stand by me. He was a good man."

"He was always good to me", I said, "although he didn't understand me very well. He always seemed to like Valerie better."

"No, he didn't like Val better", said my grandmother. "He just understood her better. You are like me, whereas Val is like her grandfather. He thought the sun rose and set on both of you though, and there was little that he wouldn't have done for you." She paused. "So don't you like my career objective?"

"I don't think that it is a good career objective for someone to say that they are saving money to pay for their funeral. The potential employer might think that you'll be dying soon, and might not hire you because of that."

"But I will be dying soon."

"You have a good few years left in you yet, Grandma", I said.

"Maybe a few years", said Grandma. "Whether they are good or not is a better question." She paused, and just as I decided that I should say something to that, my grandmother said, "I don't have any work history, so I put down a series of skills that I had instead."

I looked down at her resume. "I don't think you should say that lying and manipulating make you a good people manager."

"But they do. Do you think I should say that I am creatively massaging the truth?"

"I don't know. I don't think that any potential employer would want to hear that their potential employee was adept at lying."

Grandma gave a nod. "I can see that."

"I think you might want to refrain from saying that you are able to drive. You no longer have a driver's license and you shouldn't encourage an employer by telling him or her that you can drive."

"Do you think that is really important? After all, I could renew my driver's license."

"Grandma, you lost your license when you were caught going sixty in a twenty zone. At the time, you said that you weren't able to see the speed signs because they were so blurry."

"Well, I had to say something. The police officers were getting a little annoyed with me for driving so fast, and they didn't believe me when I told them that I was driving so fast because aliens were after me."

"Telling them that you couldn't see properly probably wasn't your best move."

"Maybe not, but I still know how to drive. I could do it if I had to."

"Grandma, your car was dented and crumpled by the time you got rid of it. It made my cars look good."

"I may have had a little bad luck when I was driving. It wasn't my fault that people would put their trees and houses and things in my way."

"I know, but it makes sense for you to leave it off your resume, as you don't want to give the false impression that you have a valid driver's license." I looked down at her resume a little longer. "You might not want to say that you creatively acquired shopping items."

"Why not? I thought that was a good sentence."

"It makes it sound like you were stealing things."

"And at times…" Grandma looked at my mother glaring at her. "I'll change it", she said hurriedly.

"Perhaps it would be better for you to tailor your resume to the job that you are applying for. So, for instance, if you were applying for a job at the funeral home, you might talk about your good listening skills and your peaceful nature." My mother snorted.

"What should I say to apply as a 'ho?" asked Grandma.

My mother gave in to the call of the whiskey bottle.


	20. Chapter 20

I got to Pino's ten minutes early, and I grabbed a booth at the back of the restaurant. As I sat down, I got a text from Ranger asking where I was. I responded that I was about to have lunch with Joe. _"What's up?"_ I texted.

"_I wondered if you could visit Dickie with me. I'm going to kill him otherwise."_

"_Sure, but you realize that this will be a little like the blind leading the blind, don't you? If you want to kill him, I don't know if I will stop you."_

"_Just you being with me will keep me calm."_

"_You say the sweetest things =) I'll come find you at the office after I finish my visit with Joe."_

Morelli walked in and weaved his way through the tables to the back booth. He gave me a kiss of hello and lightly tugged my ponytail, and sat down at the booth with a smile on his face. "How are you?" I said.

"Good. My captain gave me four thousand dollars towards a new car, since mine got torched in the line of duty yesterday. I was thinking about getting another one soon anyway, so this is just a nice addition to the money that I have saved up for a new car. I have insurance money coming as well, so I should be in good stead for going car shopping."

"What are you driving now?"

"I've got a rental, an Impala, that is a nice car to drive. The problem with it is that it doesn't have room in it for Bob, and Bob likes a car that he has enough space to walk around in when I am driving and one that he can hang his head out the window. I ideally would like leather seats so that the Bob-hair doesn't stick, but I'm not sure how practical leather seats are with transporting skips to the precinct after I arrest them."

"Lots of options."

"Uh-hunh." The waitress came and took our orders. Neither Morelli nor I had to look at the menus. As our regular date spot, quick lunch spot, don't-want-to-cook spot and everything in-between, we had memorized the menus quite some time ago. "What about you? You've had your car for about four months, which I think is a new record with you. What are you planning on doing?"

"Ranger is encouraging me to just drive one of the fleet cars. He has told me that it's a job perk. I don't know if I want to though."

"Why not? At least then you'll be in a car that was built in this decade, and the car would have both working heat and air conditioning."

"Some of my cars have had air conditioning."

"Yeah? Which one?"

"The one that I had last Christmas."

"But that one didn't have heat, and since it was December that fact was very noticeable. It's bad when you have to drive with a blanket on your lap, and it blew snow on your face when you put on the defrost."

"Lula was actually happy when that one went to car heaven. She said that, if it hadn't died when it did, she was planning on torching it herself."

Morelli laughed. "So how is Ranger?"

"Going nuts with our guest. He asked me to go with him for a visit as the guest is driving him nuts and me being there will stop him from killing him."

"Did you agree?"

"I did, but I plan on stepping out of the room to give Ranger full rein to do what he wants." Morelli laughed again. "I mean, seriously, it would be classed as extenuating circumstances, wouldn't it?"

"Keep him calm. I would hate to have to bring him into the station."

"Why? I thought you would like it."

"He makes you happy and takes care of you well, and for that reason alone I don't want to have to arrest him. That's the first point. The second point is that I wouldn't want Ranger mad at me. He has a tendency to strike back, as shown by your guest, and you wouldn't even see it coming. Third of all, Bob likes him."

"Bob likes everybody."

"I know, but Bob particularly likes Ranger, and Ranger doesn't seem to mind the dog hair or doggie slobber. I put a lot of stock into who Bob likes. I have always thought that dogs are good judges of people."

"When did you decide that?"

"When I started to work with Ranger on the case of your guest. He came over to the house a few times while we worked through stuff."

"Your new view is refreshing."

"I have decided to work with Ranger on things. He has computer search engines that I can only dream of, and he can provide back-up that my team isn't trained for. He helped me recently on a case, and I greatly appreciated it. I was spinning my wheels working on my own. I don't know how Ranger feels, but I have decided not to fight him any longer."

"That's very mature of you. Were you able to close the case?"

"It's still in progress." He cleared his throat. "We are trying to keep this quiet, since I'm on that case still where I am working with Terry and I am still linked publically to her. However, I have started to see someone."

"Hey, that's great! Do I know her?" I held my breath in a sudden panic. "It's not Terry or Joyce, is it?"

Morelli smiled. "No", he said. "I don't know if you know her. She wasn't in your grade and she went to a different school. Her name is Becky Bianchi." I shook my head. I didn't know her. "She goes to the same church as my mother. My mother dragged me to church about six weeks ago and I saw her across the congregation. I went steadily for a couple of weeks and, when I saw her again, I asked her out. We've seen each other a few times now. We've been going to Newark for our dates. I told her about Terry and she understands why I have to keep this quiet."

"Does your family know?"

"They do or, at least, my mother and grandmother do. I have asked them to keep the information quiet, so I don't know whether anyone else in the family yet knows."

"I'm happy for you." And I was. Morelli seemed content and settled in a way that he had never been content when I was going out with him. I told him that.

Morelli smiled. "I am happy, but it's a quiet happiness. In our relationship I was also happy, but it was a bright happiness, all filled with sparkles and fireworks. This relationship with Becky is a steadier relationship. We're still in the beginning stages, but we are developing a good friendship. She seems like a good person and I'm enjoying getting to know her. When we broke up, I thought my life was over and I had never felt pain like I had felt then. But now? I've done a lot of thinking over the last few months. I can see why you broke it off. Going out with you made me feel alive, but I don't know if I want a relationship with sparkles and fireworks. Long term, I don't know if it would have worked. This relationship feels good and right for me."

Our meatball subs came to the table, and I thanked the server before she walked away. I reached around the plates and held Morelli's hand for a moment. "I really am happy for you, Joe. I thought long and hard when we broke up. It was as hard for me as it was for you, despite me coming to the conclusion that I also didn't want fireworks in my romantic relationship. Having said that, I still value you as one of my best friends and I hope we always will be."

Morelli smiled. "Me, too", he said. He flipped his hand over so that he was holding me in his palm, and he squeezed gently. "I'll always love you, and you'll always be my cupcake."

I grinned. "That's just what I always wanted." I pulled my hand back and picked up my sub to take a huge bite. I sighed in happiness. Morelli being happy with someone who wasn't Terry or Joyce or me, and me being happy with Ranger, and a superior meatball sub? Life couldn't get much better than that.

"So", I said, "is Grandma Bella still on the warpath?" Grandma Bella was Joe's grandmother, a decrepit scarecrow of a woman who was known as being pure evil. She was the kind of woman that mothers made their kids cross over to the other side of the street when they saw her. She was stoop-shouldered and had long iron-gray hair perpetually arranged in an updo, beady dark eyes that missed nothing, and a vile temper. She became more Sicilian with every passing year, even though she hadn't been back to Sicily in over fifty years. She had a mole on her face that grew more hair every time I saw her, a sharp hooked nose, and she had the ability to cast the eye, Sicilian voodoo that allowed her to curse people. Joe insisted that she was harmless and misunderstood, but I'd had enough experience with the eye to know that, when she cursed you, the results were disastrous. Unfortunately for me, she cursed me a lot.

Ever since I had broken up with Joe, she had been on the warpath for me. I had seen her a few times but, when I saw her, I had turned around and gone the other way. She, fortunately, hadn't seen me, and it was a winning streak that I had wanted to continue. It would be good, however, to know that she was no longer looking for me.

"My grandmother isn't cursing you any longer. She is happy that I am seeing Becky. With meeting Becky at church, my grandmother has said that she is happy that I am seeing someone who is so devout. I'm not sure how devout Becky is – she had only been at church since her mother had just passed and her mother had gone to church frequently. She was paying homage to her mother. However, my grandmother is happy that I found her at church. The last time she tried to curse you when she saw you out and about, I pointed out to her that I wouldn't be seeing Becky if it wasn't for you, and that breaking up with me was the right thing for you to do. I haven't heard any complaints about you since."

"So I don't have to go the other way when I see her any longer?"

Morelli smiled. "I don't think so. It wasn't working, anyway. Grandma Bella just said that she had seen you but that she couldn't run as fast as you and couldn't catch up to you when you were running away."

"Hunh. So I had a lucky break?"

"Several, judging by the number of times that my grandmother saw you. You know though that the eye is all superstition, don't you?"

"You always say that, but in my experience your grandmother's curses work."

"Cupcake, your cars blow up and bad things happen to you whether my grandmother curses you or not. It's just you."

"You're not going to call me a disaster magnet again, are you?" I gave him my squinty eye.

Morelli smiled. "The last time I called you that, I thought you were going to throw something at me. And since what is in front of you is the rest of your meatball sub, I don't want to take the chance. Not only would it stain, but it would be a waste of a superior sandwich."

I smiled as I took another bite. It would. It really, really would.

About half an hour later, Morelli and I walked out of Pino's together and he walked with me to our cars. He had parked beside me, and as we walked he put his arm over my shoulder and gave me a hug. "Thanks for being so supportive of my new relationship", he said.

I smiled at him. "I really am happy for you", I said. When we got to the car, I tiptoed up and gave him a kiss on his cheek. I gave him a hug, and he pulled me into his body tightly for a few seconds before stepping back.

"Do you think we could get together regularly for lunch?" he said. "I liked talking to you and, like you, I value our friendship."

I smiled again, relieved. What Morelli had was what I had always wanted for him and was what he had always wanted for himself. I was just glad that he could see that our relationship wasn't it. "I'd like that", I said.

A car drove up and the two thugs from Dickie's bookie looked at us. Ronald McDonald powered down the window and pointed a flamethrower out the window. "Hey, Stephanie. Do you have the money for us?" he said.

Joe tensed beside me. "I don't have the money and, if I did, I wouldn't help that asshole anyway", I said.

The man shot out a stream of flames, and Morelli's car caught fire. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and took a picture of the fleeing car's license plate.

"Holy crap!" said Joe as he looked at the car dazed. "Was my car just torched by Ronald McDonald?"


	21. Chapter 21

I pulled Joe back from the blast zone, and as other patrons in the restaurant poured out of the building so that they could see the blaze, we kept them back from the fire as well. Joe called the burning car into dispatch, and seconds later I got a call from the control room. "Are you okay?" said Hector. "I have you at the location of a dispatch call, but your car hasn't yet stopped transmitting."

"Give it a few minutes", I said. "Morelli's car is on fire and, since I'm parked beside him, my car will soon catch fire as well."

"Alright!"

"You sound happy."

"I picked today as the day your car would get incapacitated."

I laughed. "I'm pleased to have made you richer." Hector laughed.

The fire made it to Joe's gas tank, and the car exploded. The resulting fireball engulfed my car in flames and the car to the other side in flames, and seconds later my car and the other car exploded as well. "There", said Hector with some satisfaction. "Your car is now off-screen."

"How much did you win?"

"Three hundred dollars", he said. "I'll let Ranger know."

My phone buzzed with an incoming call, and I looked down to see that Ranger was calling me. "Don't bother", I said. "He's on the other line." I said goodbye to Hector and answered Ranger's call. "Were you listening to the police scanner or was this just good timing?"

"I was listening to the police scanner."

"I just made Hector a very happy person."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"What happened?"

I told him about the bookie's thugs and how they seemed to have targeted me. I told him about them torching Morelli's car rather than mine, and that got a bark of laughter. And I told him how Ronald McDonald seemed to be the culprit.

"You know that it really isn't Ronald McDonald, don't you, babe?" he said.

"I know what I saw. Even Morelli said that he looked like Ronald McDonald."

"Do you need a car?"

"Does insurance cover it?"

"Yes."

I thought about that for a moment. "I think it would be a good idea for me to drive Big Blue for a while. I've totaled three cars in two days, and my track record isn't good. For some reason, Big Blue is indestructible."

"No. You're too noticeable in Big Blue. Remember, babe. You have to blend in. I'll be out to pick you up in about fifteen minutes. I just have a report that I have to finish writing, which will take me about ten minutes, and then I'll come get you."

"It's a ten-minute drive."

"Babe." He hung up the phone and I smiled and shook my head.

He made it in twelve. He parked at the edge of the confusion and came jogging up to me, captured me into a hug and kissed the top of my head as his hands ran up and down my back and he assured himself that I was alright. Joe came over to us, and Ranger smiled. "The men were thinking that they should start a pool on your cars as well", he said.

I laughed. As much as I didn't like seeing Joe in distress, it was nice that it was him, rather than me, for a change.

"Do you need us for anything?" Ranger said to Joe.

"I'll need Steph to come into the station later to make an official statement, but otherwise no", said Joe.

"We'll go talk to our guest then", said Ranger. "He has been waiting impatiently to talk to me."

"He's making your life difficult?"

"You have no idea."

Morelli laughed. "Actually, I do. I was responsible for protecting him the last time he was in witness protection", he said. "I have never met a more obnoxious person in my life."

"I know", I said. "And I was the idiot that married him."

"He had to have been different when you were going out with him", said Ranger. "You love people and give them the benefit of the doubt. However, I think his behavior would have stopped even you from settling down with him if he acted like he currently acts."

He reached down and captured my hand and, as we turned to leave, Morelli looked at Ranger. "Take care of her, and good luck. Remember, I don't want to have to bring you in for murder."

Ranger smiled. "Trust me. If it came to that, there would be nothing to hang me on."

Morelli smiled. "For some reason, that makes me feel better."

I looked at them. The love-in was making me feel uncomfortable. Unless I was in danger, there had always been a quiet rivalry between the two of them. Although I was happy they were getting along – after all, outside my dad they were the two most important men in my life – it was giving me a bit of the creeps. After years of competition between them, it seemed unnatural.

Ranger and I walked away. "He seemed particularly happy for someone whose car had just blown up", he said. "Did you have a good lunch with him?"

I smiled. "I had a great lunch with him. He told me that he's started to see another woman. It's nice to see him so happy."

"Are you okay with it?"

"He's not seeing Joyce or Terry and he's happy, so I'm extremely good with it. We talked about you a bit, and he was supportive about us. Part of that is because he is more settled in himself. Morelli is a good friend of mine, which is why we lasted as long as we did. I don't want to stop that friendship, but I also am happy and because I am happy, I want to see all my friends happy as well. I didn't like upsetting him when we broke up, but he wasn't right for me. It is nice that he agrees with me now."

"Who is he seeing?"

"A Becky Bianchi. I don't know her. She apparently is a year or so older than me, but she went to another high school. I don't think she grew up in the Burg or, if she did, I don't recognize her name. I don't think she grew up too far away though, as Morelli met her at his mother's church. Apparently she was there in honor of her mother. He's keeping it quiet as he is still publically working with Terry under the guise of dating each other."

"My lips are sealed. Do you want me to run Becky through the system?"

"No. That seems a little wrong, and he hasn't asked us to do that. As long as he is happy, that's what matters. After all, if there is something in Becky's past that would cause us to flag her, Morelli would be furious with us for looking into her history. And if there wasn't anything, I would feel terrible for looking into her history. There would be no winners for investigating her."

"Okay. Remember the search engines are there though. If you want to investigate her, go ahead."

"Thanks."

"What else did you talk about?"

"Family. I told him about my grandmother's desire to get a job."

"How did it go looking at your grandmother's resume?"

"Let's just say that my mother doesn't have to worry about getting my grandmother to a job on time. I tried to get my grandmother interested in applying to the funeral home. I told her that it would be a lot of fun and that people were dying to go there." Ranger groaned as I grinned. "I told her that she'd be able to see all those bodies before they go into the caskets and that it would be in the funeral home's best interest to hire her since they got so upset when she took a little peek when the casket was closed. I don't know if my mother was relieved or horrified when my grandmother decided that it would be better to be a 'ho than it would be to apply at Stiva's. When I left them, my grandmother was tailoring her resume to appeal to a pimp and my mother had given in and had decided that it was late enough to take a shot of whiskey."

Ranger smiled. "I didn't know what to say when your grandmother said that she wanted to be a prostitute."

"Well, she seems to have settled on that as her life's ambition. I told Lula, and she said she'd stop by and give my grandmother pointers, from one professional to another. I told her to try to talk her out of it."

"Will she?"

"Who knows with Lula? She's like a fart in a fan factory. You never know which way she'll blow."


	22. Chapter 22

Ranger unlocked the car and held the door as I got inside. He shut the door softly after me and, when he got in, I said, "what's the problem with Dickie?"

He put the car into drive. "Dickie has now gone through four babysitters – Hector, Jose, Ramon and now Cal. All are very patient men who were pushed to the extreme and all have volunteered to kill him personally. He has shown no remorse that you have been having problems because of him. I told him that the bookie had identified you, and the most that he was concerned about it was with the suspicion that the bookie could approach you at your apartment and find him instead. Cal said that he had told him that you could have been killed."

"My guess is that he didn't care."

"No, he didn't, which got Cal angry. It takes a lot to get Cal angry, but he was able to accomplish it in less than a day. I have to hand it to him. He is the most obnoxious person that I have ever met, and I've met some doozies. We have to get this case with him wrapped up soon though. I have to go out of town soon to train staff for PMC, and I want to make sure that Dickie is tied up nice and tight before I leave. I don't want to leave this problem for Tank."

"Why don't we sic the feds on him now?"

"That's an idea, and is one that might be our best option. I need to talk to Dickie first though. I wanted you there so that I could see what he says about you being in danger."

He drove into the parking lot and escorted me into my building. "Hello, Mr. Wolenski", I said as I saw the senior sitting on the bench in the lobby. His walker was to the side of him, and he looked up at me with a smile on his face. "It's a nice day out today, isn't it?"

"That's true. There have been all sorts of comings and goings in your apartment", said the elderly man. "You've had a number of strange men stay there, haven't you?"

"Yes, I have. The person who is supposed to be here that we are protecting isn't a very fair person, and he's whiny. It is a tough job protecting him because of that, and so we've had to switch out the bodyguards frequently. As one man said, he had faced down the enemy and had been captured and tortured as a soldier, but this was his most challenging assignment yet."

"Some people are just like that, chicky."

"I know", I said. "Because this man is my ex-husband, I know better than most that some people are just like that. I have the ultimate sympathy for the bodyguards."

"You'd have been better off marrying me", said the old man.

I bent over and kissed him on his cheek. "You're right. I would have", I said. "But when I was looking to get married, you weren't offering."

Mr. Wolenski turned red in embarrassment, but he smiled as well. "I'll keep an eye on your place", he said. "I stared down the enemy when I was facing the Germans, and I won't let a mere pipsqueak like your ex get to me."

"I know you won't", I said. I patted him on the shoulder and, with a final wave, I led Ranger to the elevator.

Mrs. Bestler wasn't on the elevator, so it was a quiet ride up to the second floor. We walked down the hall, hand in hand, until we got to my apartment. As we stood at the door and I dug out my keys, I could hear Dickie yelling at Cal. There was a thump and a shatter of something, and I froze. "Danger pay", I said to Ranger as I resumed looking in my purse and found my keys. Ranger didn't look happy.

I opened the door and walked into the apartment, and surprised Dickie when he was in the middle of throwing a glass against the wall. Cal was walking towards him to take the next glass out of his hand, and Dickie was prancing around in his tighty whities. He reminded me of Carl the monkey when the monkey knew that he had something you wanted in his hand. He wouldn't stay still. I looked at Cal's face. He had a similar 'not happy' look on his face as Ranger had on his.

"DICKIE!" I said. He stopped mid-throw and turned to look at me. Cal reached his side and wrenched the glass from his fingers. "You are behaving like a two-year old. No, I correct myself. Most two-year olds are better behaved than you."

"You don't know what it's like being stuck in this hellhole with thugs to protect you."

"First of all, this hellhole, as you call it, was my home and it was a good place to live. You are lucky that I am letting you stay here. Secondly, those thugs, as you call them, are all good people. They have saved my life many times and I can vouch for each of the people who have been sent to protect you. However, with the way you've behaved I would support them in telling the thugs where you are. With the way you've behaved, I would like to tell the thugs myself."

"You bitch!" said Dickie. He picked up another glass and threw it at me.

I jumped out of the way and the glass shattered on the wall. "I see your aim hasn't gotten any better since we were married."

Dickie picked up another glass, and Ranger took two steps forward and snatched the glass out of his hand. I could tell by the tenseness in his shoulders that he was angry but controlled. He slammed the glass down on the counter, grabbed Dickie's arm and twisted it up behind his back. He frog-marched him out of the kitchen and into the living room and thrust him down on the sofa. "Sit", he said, and he disappeared into the bedroom.

"Ranger", said Dickie after him. "Your men are shit."

Ranger came out of the bedroom and threw some clothes at Dickie. "Get dressed before I hit you."

Dickie looked at him and ignored the clothes. "I hired you because I heard that you're the best. But the men that you've been sending are shit. They couldn't protect a plant if their lives depended upon it."

Ranger looked at me. "Are you okay?" he said.

"Yeah."

"Are you okay?" he said to Cal.

"Just pissed."

Ranger gave a terse nod. He turned to Dickie. "You have a choice. You can either continue your protection, or you can leave. But if you choose to continue your protection, you are going to act as though you are taking this protection seriously. Because the way you are currently acting is appalling."

"You don't know what it's like to spend time with your men. They have no class."

"Yet it wasn't my men who were throwing glasses against a wall. That was not classy. It wasn't my men who were throwing things at my staff. That was all you, and I'm here to tell you that this behavior is going to stop now."

"I'm not doing anything that you wouldn't do."

Ranger turned still. "I have more self-respect than to act in the manner that you are acting in. We said that we'd protect you against the bookie's thugs. You have hired the best people for the job. Now you have to let us do that job, and trying to hamper us by being an asshole isn't helping us get the job done."

"I was just having a little fun."

"Now you can have fun cleaning up the glass."

"Stephanie is here. She can clean up the glass. As she said, it is her apartment."

Ranger didn't say anything and went to the front cupboard where I kept my broom. He removed the broom and the dustpan, walked over to Dickie, hauled him to his feet, and handed him the broom.

"No way. I shouldn't have to clean it up", said Dickie. "I'm paying you a bomb to look after me. I shouldn't have to clean up my messes as well."

Ranger again didn't say anything. He took Dickie's hand, wrapped his fingers around the broom handle, and proceeded to force Dickie to sweep up the glass. When he got it swept into a pile, he handed Dickie the dustpan and said, "if you hold the dustpan, I will help you by sweeping the glass into it."

"No way", said Dickie. "I'm not doing that shit."

Ranger glared at him. Very quietly he said, "I don't think you understand. Hold the fucking dustpan, and I will sweep the fucking glass into it. It isn't optional."

With me, Ranger was a kind and loving person. With his staff, Ranger was a fair and strict leader. But with skips and other people that displeased him, Ranger was a total badass, and working with Dickie brought out his badass qualities. Dickie must have heard the deadly intent in Ranger's voice, because he bent down and held the dustpan still. Ranger swept up the glass and stood back. "When you have put it in the garbage, you can come back here and we will talk."

Dickie, for the first time cowed since I had ever known him, emptied the broken glass into the garbage. He returned to the living room, and Ranger pointed at the clothes. "Cover yourself up. You are as pale as a cotton ball and have the physique of a toothpick. You have no reason to strut your stuff, and you are turning my stomach looking at you."

Dickie angrily jerked his clothing up from where Ranger had thrown it on the sofa and pulled a shirt over his head. He yanked on his track pants and glared at Ranger.

"That's better", said Ranger. "Now, what seems to be the problem with my men?"

"They don't like to talk."

"You aren't paying for them to be chatterboxes. You aren't paying for them to be your buddy. You are paying for them to be your bodyguards."

"It would be nice if they talked as well."

"My men are better at listening. It is often the listening that keeps you alive. Talking could get you killed. Is that the only complaint that you have against my men?"

"They don't know how to cook."

"Let me get this straight. You're complaining because my men are doing their job and they aren't cooking for you?" He had an impassive look on his face, but I could see the disgust and the anger in his eyes.

"They are being paid to take care of me."

"They are being paid to keep you safe. They are not being paid to be your servants. They are not chefs and they are not housekeepers. They are bodyguards and should be respected as such. They are doing a good job and, if it had been up to me, I would have killed you a long time ago."

"How can you say that? I'm such a lovable person."

I snorted. "Dickie, even your own mother didn't like you", I said. "When we divorced, she told me that she had cried at our wedding out of the sheer joy in knowing that you would no longer irritate the hell out of her, and she was crying at our divorce knowing that you'd be returning to her."

Dickie flew up off the sofa, his fist in the air, and Ranger jumped between Dickie and me. He grabbed Dickie's fist and pulled it down to Dickie's side, and muscled him back onto the sofa again. "That is one example of not acting appropriately", he said. "I will not allow you to do that sort of thing any longer. No one on my staff deserves that."

"For the price I'm paying you, you should be licking my fucking boots and kissing my fucking ass."

"You have paid us to be bodyguards and only bodyguards and, as far as I can tell, my staff has been doing a good job. They haven't killed you yet, and they haven't let anyone else kill you either. I consider that a miracle. If this is the way that you act, I'm surprised that more people don't want to see you dead than just the bookie's thugs."

"Do you know if they have been looking for me?"

"Yes, they have. Cal told you this. They have approached Stephanie twice now asking her for the money and, when they didn't get it, they incapacitated her car. The first time they shot it full of about a hundred bullet holes. The second time they thought Morelli's car was Stephanie's car since it had rental plates on it, and when Stephanie wouldn't give you up, they shot a flamethrower at Morelli's car until the car caught on fire. The resulting fire made Morelli's car explode, which meant that Stephanie's car that was parked beside his then exploded as well. She has lost two cars in the last two days because of you. And you have the audacity to throw a glass at her? You're a disgusting piece of slime, you know that?"

"So the thugs might come after me here?"

"I tell you that a woman's car was destroyed twice in the last two days and that the thugs threatened her, and your reaction was a concern that the same people who destroyed those cars would come back and hurt you? What about a concern that people might come after Stephanie?"

"Stephanie isn't important. I'm not paying you to worry about Stephanie. I'm paying you to worry about me and, because you are Stephanie's boss, I'm paying Stephanie to worry about me as well."

Ranger pulled out his phone and sent a text. "This obviously isn't working with Cal here protecting you", he said. "I am bringing another guard in to protect you but this will be the last guard that I will sacrifice to you. If you do not behave, then our association is over."

"I paid you for a job, to look after me until you find the thugs and neutralize the threat."

"You paid us to protect someone who was mature and respectful. You paid a retainer and are under a contract that you will pay two thousand dollars a day for guarding services. If you had read the fine print, you would know that the protection could be stopped at any time by either side of the party for any reason. However, the retainer of fifty thousand would be forfeited upon the disbanding of the protection services. You're a lawyer. Are you telling me that you didn't read the fine print?"

"I read it after the fact and had hoped that you hadn't read it."

Ranger smiled. "Did you think that a dumb security guard like myself didn't know how to write a contract?" Dickie turned white. "Ah", said Ranger. "I see you remember that the clause about the aggravation fee was that it wouldn't be returned to you if you failed to do what the Rangeman staff said. You are failing to do what we tell you, are you not?"

"I can't afford to not have that hundred thousand returned to me. I had to take money out of my line of credit to come up with that money to pay you."

"That isn't our problem. It's yours."

"Your job isn't yet done, Ranger."

"If I give you another bodyguard, the man I give you will need to be treated well and with respect. He will not be treated like you were treating Cal when we got into the apartment a few minutes ago. This is your last chance."

"Thank you", said Dickie. He looked abashed, and he bit his lip as he looked down at the floor.

Ranger shook his head and looked at Cal. "Raphael has been informed that you will be replacing him at the monitoring station so that he can pack and come here to guard Dickie. I have let Tank know to add you back into the rotation tomorrow. While you are driving back to the office and Raphael is coming here, I will guard Dickie. I'd like you to take Stephanie with you. She doesn't need to waste her time hanging around here this afternoon for an hour."

"Thanks, Ranger", said Dickie.

Cal looked at Ranger worriedly, and Ranger smiled at him. The tension in Cal's shoulders disappeared as Ranger stood, clapped Cal on his back, and said, "you did a great job under difficult circumstances. You should be proud of yourself. I know that I am."

Cal smiled, then got to his feet and walked into the hallway. He closed his travel bag, came back and wished Dickie well. I had never known that Cal was as good an actor as he was. He had even sounded serious when he had said it.


	23. Chapter 23

I followed Cal out the door of the apartment. We didn't wait for the elevator and decided to take the stairs down to the lobby. I didn't mind going down the stairs. It was going up that I had a problem with, but if I took them down I felt justified in telling Ranger that I had taken the stairs. I always hoped that it would get me out of my cardio training, but it hadn't worked yet.

We walked into the entrance and I smiled at Mr. Wolenski before turning to look at the two people waiting for the elevator. I froze as I recognized Ronald McDonald and, as I looked at the shorter man, I figured out who he looked like – the Hamburglar. Give him a mask and the resemblance would be uncanny.

As much as I didn't want to talk to them, I also knew that letting them up to my apartment would be bad. Ranger and Dickie were sitting ducks and, although I didn't care about Dickie, I did care about Ranger and I didn't want him to be put in danger. So I went up to them and pushed Ronald McDonald into Hamburglar. "What the hell do you think you were doing when you exploded that car?"

I could see out of my peripheral vision that Cal had taken out his phone and was quickly texting someone. He put his phone back in his pocket and came to join me in front of the men. "Steph?" he said. "Are these the men who have been causing you problems?"

"Yes", I said. "They shot out my car yesterday and exploded my car today. They've been very busy." I reached into my purse and pulled a set of cuffs out as Cal removed his from his utility belt, and we both grabbed hold of a wrist and snapped on a cuff. Cal was able to spin Ronald McDonald around and snap on the other end of the cuffs. Me? Not so much. After I snapped on the first half of the cuffs, Hamburglar pulled out of my hands and ran to the exit. He didn't count on Mr. Wolenski though. As he passed the elderly gentleman, Mr. Wolenski threw his walker out in front of Hamburglar at the last minute, and Hamburglar didn't have enough time to stop running or to change direction. He tripped over the walker and fell down in a heap, and when he was rolling around on the ground trying to gain purchase I grabbed his other hand and snapped on the other cuff.

I looked at Mr. Wolenski, and he grinned at me. "I still have it, chicky", he said.

I laughed. "Yes, you do", I said as I handed his walker back to him.

Cal and I got the Hamburglar to his feet, and walked Hamburglar and Ronald McDonald over to the side of the lobby. Cal phoned the arrest through to the precinct as I called Morelli.

"Hey", I said.

"What's up? I'm just picking up a replacement vehicle."

"Pick it up quickly, because I have an early Christmas present for you."

"Who have you caught?"

"Cal, Mr. Wolenski and I just captured Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar. We're in my apartment lobby. Cal has phoned it in to dispatch, so you might be getting a call from them soon."

"I know who Ronald McDonald is. Who is Hamburglar?"

"His sidekick."

"I am not his sidekick", said Hamburglar. His face turned red in anger. "We're partners."

"And I'm not Ronald McDonald", said the other one. "All my life, people have been calling me Ronald McDonald."

"I'm not Hamburglar", said the first.

"I hate being known as Ronald McDonald. I don't even like clowns. They're creepy. They are always so happy. How can someone be that happy? It's not natural."

"I'd be that happy if I could eat Quarter Pounders with Cheese and fries every day", I said.

Joe laughed. "Is Lula particularly happy? Doesn't she eat two a day?" He paused. "Hold tight. I'll be there within twenty minutes. By the sounds of them bickering, you need them picked up sooner rather than later."

"Thanks", I said. I hung up the phone and turned to Cal and told him what Joe had said. Cal was watching the two felons at the same time as he was texting someone. I would guess that the person he was texting was Ranger.

"Who is Morelli?" said Ronald McDonald.

"He's the person who was renting the car that you exploded at lunch."

"I thought that was your car", said Ronald. "It was a rental car."

"It was my friend's. His car was torched yesterday, so he was driving a rental car."

"So he's coming?" said Hamburglar. "Is he going to beat us up for torching his car?"

"No", I smiled. "He's going to arrest you. He's a police officer."

"Fuck!"

"Watch your language, sonny", said Mr. Wolenski.

My phone rang, and I looked down. Ranger was calling. "Hi", I said. "Cal's been letting you know what is going on?"

"Yes. I also wanted to tell you that it might be a bit before I can return to Rangeman. I have contacted the people we were debating about earlier and have arranged a visit. I should be seeing them within the hour. Did you want to come upstairs again to meet the people with me?"

"I would love to."

I hung up with Ranger and waited for Morelli to show up. While we were waiting, two men – one blond and one brunet – dressed in badly pressed suits entered the apartment building. They were obviously federal agents, and Ronald McDonald and Hamburglar smiled at the men. You could tell that they thought one of them was Joe and they were smiling in appeasement. Mr. Wolenski greeted them and asked them who they were planning on visiting. They ignored the question and looked curiously at the two people that we had captured, and they looked at each other. "Is one of you Dickie?"

"No", I said. "Dickie's upstairs."

"Dickie's upstairs?" said Ronald McDonald. "We've been trying to talk to him."

The blond man looked at the brunet. "We've been trying to talk to him as well."

"These two have been using terror tactics to try to find Dickie and force him to return the eight hundred thousand he owes their boss. When they couldn't find him, they targeted me."

"Who are you?"

"Stephanie Plum, Dickie's ex."

"Didn't you have a contentious divorce?"

I snorted. "We did."

"Is Dickie in your apartment then?"

"He thought it would be the best place for him to hide as no one would ever consider that he was hiding out there. Certainly the whole of Trenton wouldn't – I'm sure the whole of Trenton heard us yelling at each other ten years ago when we broke up."

"That was you?" said Mr. Wolenski with a smile. I laughed.

"I know that we would never have thought to look for him here", said the blond one.

"We've been looking for him for the last two weeks or so", said the brunet.

"Our boss has been looking for him just as long. Before you take him away, can we not just get the money that he owes my boss?" said Ronald McDonald.

"No, Ronald. Dickie may owe your boss eight hundred thousand, but he owes our boss over four million", said the blond.

"I'm not Ronald MdDonald!"

Morelli walked into the building and smiled at us. "Hey, cupcake, Cal." He nodded at the two feds and shook their hands. He apparently knew them. He looked at Mr. Wolenski and said hi to him as well. Finally, he looked at the two in cuffs. "I recognize you", he said. "You torched my car."

"I didn't mean to torch your car", said Ronald McDonald. "I meant to torch Stephanie's."

"And you did, in a roundabout sort of way", I said. "After Joe's car exploded, it set off an explosion in my car. The only problem was that it wasn't my car. It was a car that had been lent to me, by my boss, so now you have Morelli mad at you, my boss mad at you and me mad at you. And while I'm not particularly scary, I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of either Morelli or Ranger."

"Why? Are they going to kill me?" said Hamburglar.

Morelli smiled. "I'll just arrest you. But it's a crap shoot as to what Ranger will do. I wouldn't put extermination past him."

"Are you scared of him?" said Hamburglar. He started making clucking noises.

Joe laughed. "No. But I have developed a healthy respect for both who he is and what he can do. He's a good person to have on your side and a bad person to have opposing you. And you, my friends, torched his car this afternoon. If I were you, when you get out on bail I would stay far, far away from Stephanie. She works for Ranger and he protects his own – and he will not take kindly to Stephanie being harassed." He looked at Cal and me. "I don't have enough cuffs to exchange them here. Come by the station this afternoon and I'll give your cuffs back to you then."

"Will do. Thanks, Joe." I tiptoed up and kissed him on his cheek.

"I'll help you take these bozos out to your car", said Cal.

"Don't laugh when you see it", said Morelli.

He led one of the men out, and Cal escorted the other. I followed behind. When we got to a red Smart car, Morelli beeped the car open. I smiled. "You plan on transporting _two_ felons in that car? There's barely enough room for just you in there."

Morelli groaned. "This was the only car they had left on the lot."

I grinned. "Somehow, my car that didn't have heat is looking pretty good, isn't it?"

Morelli stopped and stared at me. "No, cupcake. That car was definitely ready for the junkyard. It backfired so much it sounded like an old woman farting as she walked down the street."

"This car seems appropriate for a Ronald McDonald", I said.

Ronald stamped his foot. "I'm not Ronald McDonald!"

"Uh-hunh", said Morelli. He pushed him down and into the backseat, but no matter how he positioned Ronald's body he couldn't fit him into the car.

"I'll take them in for you", said Cal. "You can exchange the cuffs at the same time."

I patted Cal on the arm and kissed Joe on his cheek. "I'm going off to see our problem dealt with by the feds." I turned to leave. "See you later, Ronald and Hamburglar."

"I. AM. NOT. RONALD. MCDONALD!"

I walked away and waved to them as I laughed. As I entered the building, I ran into Mrs. Bestler. She was unloading her groceries from her car, and I took a few bags from her to carry them up to her apartment. "Where are they taking Ronald McDonald, dear?" she said.

"He apparently isn't Ronald McDonald."

"Hunh. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…"

I laughed and followed her into her apartment, left the grocery bags on her counter, then gave her a hug and left for my own.

When I entered my apartment, I could hear Dickie whine. "You can't do this. Ranger, I want my money back. I hired you to protect me and you didn't protect me."

"I did protect you. You hired Rangeman to protect you from the bookie's thugs, and we did that. The thugs who were after you are now being taken to the precinct and are being arrested for destruction of property and criminal harassment. They know that the FBI is arresting you and I'm sure they will quickly realize that there is no use in continuing to threaten you. The threat from the bookie's thugs is now over. The FBI agents will be taking you into custody which will further protect you from the bookie's thugs. We have done our part and have earned the money that you have paid us."

"But you can't just hand me over to these investigators."

"Why not? I did what I said that I was going to do. Now that my job is done, I'll recommend to you that you don't argue and that you go with them. By going into custody you are protecting yourself from any future attacks on behalf of the bookie."

The blond federal agent put cuffs on Dickie and read him his rights. Dickie looked frustrated, but I could see his wheels turning as he tried to figure out how to get out of it.

"The thugs have been arrested", I said, "but they will soon be out on bail. If you choose to post bail as well", I said, "I'd advise you to stay away from anyone who looks like Ronald McDonald or the Hamburglar. Unlike the real Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar, yours are bad news."

As the feds waited, Ranger went into the bedroom to pack up Dickie's things. Clothes had been strewn all over the room. Ranger scooped it all up, gathered his toiletries, and shoved it all into his travel bag. He handed the bag to the arresting agents and, as Dickie was led from the apartment, Dickie turned to me. "I guess you're happy", he said.

"I have to admit that I'm achieving some personal satisfaction from this", I said. "Karma is a bitch."

The feds continued on their way, and I looked at Ranger. "All in all, a good day's work, don't you think?"

Ranger laughed.

I stripped the bed of the sheets as Ranger got an antibacterial fabric spray out from under the sink and sprayed down the bed and pillows. "Let's get Ella to wash the sheets, and you can put them back on the bed in another few days", said Ranger. "I was hoping that Rangeman could take over your rent, and keep the apartment as a safe house. Dillon has been very good about us monitoring the fire escape and the front door, and the neighborhood watch program is fantastic here."

I smiled and agreed. It would also give me a sense of comfort knowing that my apartment was there in case I ever had to move out of Ranger's. I was feeling pretty confident in our relationship, but knowing I had a bolt hole moved me from being pretty confident to being fully confident. Ranger knew me well. He knew that having a choice would make me feel comfortable choosing him, but not having a choice would make me feel pressured and overwhelmed.

I followed him out of the apartment and got into his Cayenne. Ranger drove from the apartment back to the office. "Have you thought more about visiting my family for Thanksgiving?" he said.

"I think that's a good idea. You've met my family several times. You even came to Uncle Gerry's fifty-fifth birthday. It's time to meet your extended family."

"They'll love you."

I lifted the hand that was holding mine and kissed it, and a soft expression settled on Ranger's face. I put his hand down on my leg, and wasn't that giving me ideas?

I looked out the window to distract myself and, as we were driving past the Cut 'n Curl, we noticed my grandmother standing on the side of the road with a cardboard sign that said 'free sex'. I yelled out to stop, and Ranger quickly pulled over. "What's going on, Grandma?" I said as I helped her into the car. My grandmother was shivering and turning blue.

"I was reading a book on getting a job, and it said that sometimes volunteer work was helpful in getting hired. So I thought that, if I wanted to be a 'ho, I should volunteer my services. But although I wrote my sign in my best handwriting, no one stopped. I had to use the bathroom so many times at the Cut 'n Curl that they told me that I wasn't allowed to use their facilities any longer. My hair is ruined from standing in the wind, I'm cold to the bone and tired of standing for so long. Being a 'ho is the pits. I don't think I want to be a 'ho any longer."

"Probably wise. I bet Mom has Entemann's coffee cake at the house, and there is probably hot coffee waiting for you."

"Cake and coffee sound good", said Grandma. "Do you want to come in for some?"

"Oh, no", I said. "I don't want to be anywhere near you and Mom when you tell her that you tried being a 'ho."

"Who said that I was going to tell her?" said Grandma. I laughed. "So, do you think I have a chance at the funeral home?"

_~ The End ~_

_Thank you for reading this story and coming along on the ride with me. Just so that you know, I'll start posting the next book in this series, Toxic 30, on Friday, and will stay posting on the 'three times per week with spontaneous extra postings' schedule. _

_Have a great evening._


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